Subject: Notice of return Issued in solemn warning this ________ day of ___________ 19__ to the family, neighbors, relatives, friends and acquaintances of ________________________. Very soon the above mentioned individual will once again be in your midst, demoralized, dehumanized, & decrepit, to take his place one again as a human being, seeking freedom, liberty & the somewhat belated pursuit of happiness. In making your joyous preparations to welcome him back to society, you must make a few allowances for the crude and overbearing cultural environment which has been his miserable fate for the past 18 months. In other words he might be just a little European, suffer from Schnitzelitus, Krautitis, or perhaps just a little bit typewriter happy and must be handled with extreme care during the rehabilitation period. Show no alarm if the individual prefers to walk around the house in his shorts with a beer in each hand. Don’t be shocked if he yells “Wo is der Bahnhof Schatzi?” and drinks Jägermeister out of a goatskin flask. Refuse to ridicule him when he drives his car down the middle of the Strasse and parks on the sidewalk, or makes lewd gestures & remarks at anyone that drives a Volkswagen. Be tolerant when he stuffs his pockets with bratwurst and beer. Don’t be at all surprised if he brings his musical beer stein to the table and “PROSTS” with everyone. Humor him by singing “Hofbräuhaus in Heidelberg Town” while stuffing him with radishes and pretzels, and don’t be surprised in he should walk around at midnight & bellow “Was Ist Los in Diese Gasthaus”. For in a relatively short amount of time and with a little patience, he can be taught to speak English again. Never ask him why the boy down the street make more rank than he did, or why the neighbors son spent his entire time in the service touring the states, as this is liable to throw him into a violent fit. Don’t make any remarks about how nice the uniforms the Navy and Marines look. He will go insane if the words re-up, extend for a year, or “Buy me a Whiskey Cola” are mentioned in his presence. Don’t ask him at any time if he ever saved or tried to save any money while in the service. The may put him into a state of shock in which he may blubber about soldiers deposits, taxi fares, income taxes, shoulder patches, forfeiture of two thirds pay, inflated beer prices downtown, as all of these apply to him. In his first few weeks be sure to leave the phone off the hook between dusk and dawn when he is home. If it were to ring, he might stagger out of bed, fumble around his room filling his canteen with Brandy, getting his clothes and gear and then charging out into the street yelling “ALERT” and throw his gear into a milk truck to return again in two or three days. Show interest when he relates his many experiences as a world traveler for he actually had many such experiences at the Oktoberfest, Fashing and Gasthausing. Since he has been away from home, he has traveled far and wide, usually from one Gasthaus to another, as well as the places you read about in the newspaper both on the front page and in the travel section. Humor him if he should in his first few weeks at home ask for a pass or where the sign out roster is, or stand in line at the kitchen waiting for chow to be served. Be understanding if he asks what you want from the snack bar when he needs a breath of fresh air and returns some time later. Be polite when he mentions his many medals, for example the DISTINGUISHED MALINGERS CROSS, ATLANTIC BAR OCCUPATION, PURPLE SHAFT with BARBED WIRE CLUSTER or the most famous of all, the BATTLE OF BAVERIA. When introducing him to a young lady, dont not be surprised if instead of shaking her hand, he gently pats her on the posterior and bellows “Wie Gehts Meine Schatz.” This should be corrected on the spot. Treat him with kindness, tolerance and a frequent can of beer and you will rehabilitate that which is now the hollow shell of the proud CIVILIAN you once knew. Remember he’s been away a long time. Send no more mail to APO N.Y. 09102 after the below date, lock your daughters in the house, get the kids off the streets, fill your refrigerator with beer and get the civvies out of the moth balls because he will be home no later than _____________________19__. FOR THE ROTATION OFFICER C.U. REALSOON PFC CONUS Warning clerk DISTRIBUTION: 1ea. FRIENDS, NEIGHBORS AND BARKEEP 1ea. CHIEF OF POLICE AND MAYOR 1ea. FEMALES OVER THE AGE OF EIGHTEEN WITHIN A FIFTY MILE RADIUS 2ea PARENTS
Posted on: Fri, 16 Jan 2015 00:38:11 +0000
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