Sweet Baby Girl, Ive been sitting outside on my swing since 4:30 a.m. It is so quiet, almost too quiet. Did you hear me talk to you? Did you hear me tell you about our sweet Elena and her love for cucumber slices? Did you hear me ask you to go to daddy in a dream so he can find some sort of peace? Did you hear me tell you about your big brother still being protective and will make sure everything is right, but is hurting so much from losing his little brat sister? Did you hear me begging you to come back to me? I never thought I could love you any more that I did when you were still here on Earth, but I do. I think it is because now all the Earthly “baggage” is gone and my memories are of your sweet, kind and ornery spirit causing my love for you to multiply by infinity. You know baby, sometimes when the hurt is so crushing I think maybe it would have been better for me to not ever love anyone, that way if I have to give them up then I wouldn’t be so broken, but then I realize I would never had known your beautiful and loving spirit, never would have known the fierce mommy love for your brother, never would have known the depth of love and respect I have for your daddy, never felt the joy of some very wet and slobbery “Aw Baby” kisses from Elena and never would have known the love and laughter your aunts and uncles gave us. I would have missed out on a life time of treasures. I LOVE YOU TO HEAVEN AND BACK, BABY GIRL. Dad and I went out to say goodnight to you last night around 10:30 p.m. and then went to bed. We had nowhere else to go with our sadness and the once again realization of loneliness that comes from knowing you will never be home again. I think out of sheer exhaustion, I fell asleep right away, and then around midnight I woke up because Daddy was tossing and turning, and I realized, crying. I reached over to hug him and he just quietly said “I’m so sad” All I could do is hug him a little tighter and ask God to give him the blessing of sleep. So like every night since you died, one of us held the other. This pain is so severe and so deep there just doesn’t seem to be an end to it. Sometimes I feel like a broken record, constantly talking about our broken hearts, shattered souls and deep sadness, but then, I think how could that be when every day we wake up and the pain is worse than the day before? So no broken record here, I don’t repeat my writing of our pain, I am simply trying to share the grief of a family that if possible, goes past bone deep. Eleven more months until our YEAR OF FIRSTS is over. I can already see the changes in my fractured little family’s personalities. So not only do we mourn the death of our daughter Corrie, we must mourn the loss of our BCD lives, we mourn the loss of laughing, we mourn the loss of bickering with each other, we mourn the loss of the anticipation of holidays, we mourn the loss of the most beautiful and bright dimpled grin and sparkly eyes that God ever created, we mourn the loss of our family. We will continue to trudge through this, we will continue our family counseling, we will continue praying, we will continue attending Mass, and we will continue for the rest of our lives, missing you baby girl, our daughter, sister, aunt, niece and cousin. We will learn how to live with the pain of grief because TIME DOES NOT HEAL OR LESSEN IT. You want to know what happens? You learn to survive by absorbing the pain and void so this becomes your new normal life. You learn how to return to daily life, carrying the pain with you until you no longer know of any other life without grief, because you get to a point where you don’t remember your BCD life. You live with a broken heart that will never fully mend, you find ways to make people comfortable around you again because it is just easier than trying to make them understand the depth of your sadness. You just find a way. Honestly this just sucks. How did we get to a point where a “good” day is one that holds only one horrible flashback to that day and the hospital horror and only a few spells of crying? Yea, to put it so eloquently: THIS JUST FREAKIN’ SUCKS! Psalm 30:5 “For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” I am reading a book (Thank you Melanie Fitzpatrick) titled: “MY TIME IN HEAVEN” by Richard Sigmund. Whether you believe in near death experiences or not is totally up to you, I personally have always believed in them, even BCD. I think so many people today are so busy, so mean and selfish, and so intent on spreading hate in the name of GOD, that God allows some people to see the beauty that awaits us, the inconceivable love Jesus has for us, in order to help us focus on what we should be working towards: Salvation and our Heavenly reward. The reason I bought up the book is I wanted to share with you a part of the book where he is walking on a golden pathway. Here is his description: “As I walked along the golden pathway, I noticed the sky. It was rosette-pinkish in color, but it was also a crystal clear blue.” Thank you Corrie Belle for sharing Heaven’s sky with us. Some joyful news. Our little Puddin’ Pie is 9 months old today. I love you today, tomorrow and past forever Elena Caroline. 3 kisses from Grammy and Aunt Corrie sweet baby. My challenge today is when you look at your calendar for the next 7 days, send up a thank you to God for the small things in your life. Things you wouldn’t normally consider blessings but are. I am sure so many of you already thank Him for your family, babies, friends, life and material blessings. I am talking about things we take for granted like thanking Him for band aids to put on cuts, for your sight that you can see pink skies, thank him for mismatched socks, thank him for that fly swatter you take on fly hunting safari’s, thank him for the paper towel you use to wipe up your coffee spills. Thank Him for your 15 minutes of quiet time spent with Him. The point is to recognize ALL GLORY AND HONOR IS HIS no matter how small the blessing is. Just thank HIM. God bless, LET GO LET GOD, Dimes, pink skies & stars, mismatched socks, magic rocks. lost crockpots, wet puppy dog smells, quiet time, holding hands, I LOVE YOU’s and Unicorns.
Posted on: Wed, 06 Aug 2014 13:27:57 +0000
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