THE ALASTAIR MORLEY JAQUES GUIDE TO DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS Lately, I have been forced to endure hearing a number of you bemoan the fact that you are generally lonely, unloved, and lacking the significant other you seem convinced would make you less miserable. I am in a unique position to offer advice to help you attract a mate. In spite of seemingly insurmountable odds against me in the relationship department, I have never been without a foxy lady at my side. At any given time while the rest of you have been on okcupid or trolling seedy barrooms looking for at best a one-night stand, I have been getting my veritable freak on with scads of women, juggling relationships on several levels of salacious complexity, and fathering untold numbers of illegitimate children with women who still don’t know my real name. If I can do it so can you. Here are just a few tricks from the old Al bag. Trust me. I’m here to help. • Stop talking about how lonely you are. Just stop it. I don’t want to hear it and neither does anyone else. Few things are more pathetic and annoying than a diatribe about how the loneliness of your life only mirrors the loneliness of your soul. I spend most of my time talking about how I want to be left the hell alone and would like nothing better than for people to stop talking to me altogether. So far this has never happened. • If someone does show interest in you, under no circumstances should you show interest in them. Do the opposite. Whenever a woman has approached me with overtures of affection, the first thing I do is either ignore her or do my utmost to discourage her from showing any further interest. I have literally said such things as “You should stay the hell away from me” or “I will only hurt you and leave you broken and alone” or “I am severely mentally ill”. This has never worked. They just keep trying. I once forgot that I was on a date with a girl and left her behind to go do something else. Somehow, she found me again and wanted to go on another date even though I had forgotten her name by then. • Don’t attempt to be interested in whatever they are interested in. I find that women are interested in all sorts of things and, on the whole, I don’t care about a single goddamn one of them. Endeavour to dominate the conversation with things that are of interest to you and you alone. This is what I do pretty much all of the time. If left to their own devices, women will waste my time by telling me about their family or their book club or what they watch on TV or some goddamn concert they went to. This is time that could be spent with me informing them and anyone nearby about matters of actual consequence and import such as the development of cursive chancery script into secretary hand in the sixteenth century or the subtle but important differences between the Manichaean and Bogomil heresies in Eastern Europe and Asia Minor. Not only are people better and wiser as a result, they also get to hear the sound of my sonorous and booming voice. Everybody wins. • When you do get a chance to meet their parents, under no circumstances should you attempt to make them like you. My own parents hate me and so do everyone else’s. All of the women in the age group who I have dated or married come from parents who are of the Baby Boomer Generation or, as I call them, the Generation That Ruined Everything. These forty or fiftysomethings with their jeans and their credit cards and their houses in the suburbs are a festering carbuncle on the body of Western Civilization. In all my years of meeting parents and future in-laws, I have never encountered a single one of them who could speak Latin or name a single one of the emperors of Byzantium or recognize that I was quoting Boethius or Dryden at them. Such people don’t even deserve to have children and it is only right that I should be there to steal their daughters away from them while telling them just how much I hate the bands that they listened to in high school. And rest assured, no matter how many mothers and fathers have threatened to beat and kill me if I ever came near their daughters again, and this would be all of them, those same daughters stayed right by my side until I succeeded in eventually driving them away. I guess I’m the ultimate bad boy.
Posted on: Sun, 14 Sep 2014 05:02:55 +0000