THE BIRTH OF CHRIST, MY CAPTAIN AND TEXTS FROM GOD WHEN I REALLY NEEDED IT, a poem/prayer this Christmas 2014 by ELK (all rights reserved) =============================== This is a reflective time of year for me so since you are still reading my captain I want you to understand my actions have been and are about me being treated with the respect, class, dignity, acknowledgment that I deserve After that happens I really have no beef at all but I became a lawyer because every fiber in my being could not go along with that chemistry instructor choosing to downgrade me where me and the white female student had the exact same average You have not been out lying on or trashing your former best friend or his daughter But you also never did to them what you did to me in terms of not publicly acknowledging their existence Who you just married never faced being blocked on Facebook from the start even when things were happy and very blissful I faced things that no woman should face that were undignified for which there is no excuse then you did not apologize and try to atone like you should have and you did so much wrong in that way that I was justified to act how I have One of the biggest mistakes that people sometimes make in life is not treating people with the respect and dignity they deserve just for being alive That to me is what Christmas is about because Jesus gave his life for us and God sent us a Messiah to be that for all of us In Sunday School they teach you that faith and respect and dignity are accessible to us all It is not reserved for only one group but it is there for us all We are taught to be in the world but not of it We are also supposed to strive to see us all as Children of God which is the name of a favorite hymn of mine too I do not believe in how you mistreated me and even now it bothers me that you mistreated me as you loved me then even when you knew it was wrong and you still love me--- you did not apologize or atone or try to make things right with us What I am talking about has nothing at all to do with if you are married to someone new or someone else I am talking bedrock human values and those will prevail anywhere anytime and if it has not already happened people will look at you funny for violating that ============= What was hard for me was that I asked the right questions and even when I sent you a facebook friends request so what if others saw we knew each other I so wanted to go to the jetski competition with you and I am the sort who would keep to myself or make friends on my own I think a lot of things will get resolved at mediation But what you did wrong you cannot run away from because there is a way that you should treat people and you lied and violated core human values ============== One of the things you learn as a black female brainiac it is the limits of people and how they act I have had to learn to do all that I can do then let it go after that Maybe I win maybe I lose but at least I have peace of mind that I stood for right But I also have learned so often that God has picked up where me doing all I can do ends That is why many of those who have wrongly mistreated me or family members of mine have paid a price in the end for wrongs Life can be a long time so peace of mind that you stood for yourself and others being treated right is worth a lot to someone like me who has had to suffer way too much in life because my demographic is prone to not being treated as well as they should be I also think you do not want to see yourself as having done wrong my captain so you do not want to pay a price for your wrongs But I should not have to pay for your wrongs or be vilified or looked at funny because of your bad or stupid or poor behavior I take my name seriously and I am a good person I plan to in the new year prove in more depth that you are the liar and the wrongdoer who mistreated me poorly and wrongly to try to avoid any responsibility or image blows who did not want to look bad at all for having done wrong =================== I am not one to worry about some things but so that you know I was basically trying to get a location on you around Thanksgiving because I figured out the courier had been lied to so I figured just do as planned and well there you were so apparently I was right about all that It was amazing how things were so pleasant but I also think you were enjoying the convo as well but the thing with the pic is that it would not have mattered if there had been one because you would have found a reason to deny one from a woman who is black I hope that you do get over your fears that way because I have friends of all races and I like the diversity in my life I feel how you have mentally limited yourself is wrong and if you did that to yourself I hope you will get some courage, education and counseling and evolve as a person and a human being Sticking yourself in something not right for you is not the solution for the longterm but again it is your life and I think deep down you know you made a mistake marrying so fast and I believe to the wrong woman and I say this objectively too and without emotion ================= Let me close by saying someone near and dear to me went thru a period like you did lying because what others wanted for them was not what they wanted for themselves and with you you were in a life where what you were living was not what you wanted for yourself but what was expected of you to want so I want you to know my criticism is on universal grounds But you need to face you were hurting yourself and others and me especially trying to be someone you were not to someone you did not truly love though I feel you truly loved your former best friend and miss him very much But it also is not right to settle and try to be the image of what you feel folks want for you and not be yourself because so often in the end that is a recipe for disaster that hurts yourself and others in the end because you are always an actor in your life and never your true self ================= I close by thanking God for the gift of his son to the World But I also thank God for my life and those in it and I try to be of service in what way I can out here I still have hope of having a baby in my life and not just pets though I have loved Baba the cat and Sara the St Bernard before her like my kids though at this point it seems itd take an immaaculate conception to get me pregnant since I have gotten it on with no one since you my captain about a year ago It is hard to explain what happened to me but apparently it is normal for a woman to feel stuck after experiencing violence with their partner who they love and who they know loves them I still do not get how you can love me and not apologize by now so should civil suit and/or mediation papers reach you in the new year try to understand I need to act for myself and my longterm healing and I am only doing what you told me to do--- do what I have to do--- because you have refused to do the right things and apologize to me HAving been a victim of dating violence I am now understanding a lot of things I never have before that I have heard about which are true But the biggest gift you could give to me is an apology and then trying to atone and correct your mistakes and treat me like a normal person in the open and like I am worthy of positive acknowledgment That has nothign to so with you being married or not you still have lots of female facebook friends who are single who have been added since your new marriage I too have male friends on facebook who are married as well Even though I objectively believe you made the wrong marriage for you and that you made a mistake rushing in too fast as I know you well enough to know you probably would not have married who you did if you knew that you were gonna be her 6th husband as I imagine you told her that youd be the 3rd one sorta like your parents which is not exactly true if you look at the documentation But I think for me it is knowing you have no business as a 29 yo stepgrandparent and I think there have to be people around you who will say that to you Babies are a blessing and I do not dispute that at all But being older than you I am just saying you walked into something with blinders on that perhaps you should not have =============== my sister who has never had a pet decided to take in a cat family of 3 but she does have some support from me who has had 2 pets already and I help finance things as well Mom and I are happy to see her commit to something besides herself I knew the cat family belonged here at our 2nd family home ever since I saw them under Moms old car about 2 weeks before Dads death I was not sure what their purpose or function would be but I welcome them as our newest Keatons but we also have kept them together as a family It is funny how even now they eat each others food but seeing my sister take on a commitment after avoiding one has been priceless and something Mom and I are enjoying seeing But there is a difference between what she is doing with pets and you took on 3 bodies who are not really your blood family That is what is different about what your Dad did as he took on 4 kids not his own to have his kid that is his He knew what he was doing and it is love of you that led him to live his life how he does There are practical reasons that he did that which you are not considering He would have had to pay a lot of child support for you and not have unlimited access to you if he had done anything else but what he did so sometimes the situation makes practical decisions for you that you might not want to make I do not know your Dad but he strikes me as deeply practical in the sense that he did not marry til you were going to school so he wanted to make sure he could afford it all and also wanted you to not have to explain why your parents were not married as you started school Your situation is not the same but is you running away from your feelings for me and not trying to face your life but instead choosing a fix to your image without thinking about if your actions are right for you and others longterm But it is your life too and at this point in time my fears for you are more like those I have had for people who made poor life choices and basically degraded and ruined their lives and they did not have to do that But I figure some sorts of choices people make for themselves like after how racism in grading in college chemistry I went from wanting to be a physician to wanting to be a lawyer and I did that So I do understand things happen and people do change in their heart But I also feel you would not have been calling Sister Annette talking about your love of me and that we are soulmates who love each other and belong together for life, while you were getting engaged and moving in with your new wife unless in your heart you knew it was wrong that you were not trying to work thru your race issues to be with me and marry me because you last told Sister Annette you were trying to find me in a white body and well who you married will never be me because I am not in a white body because much of who I am is because of me being tan After all you love me but mistreated me less than you should because I am in a tan body considered black and really there was no reason for how I was mistreated and even traumatized but you are tone deaf to causing pain that leaves someone feeling degraded, with ptsd and feeling the victim of character assasination because of the lies told on them and about things so you do not have to own your own misbehaviors I think you are a good person but you also lie too much but I also have to remember you have been suppressing your love of black women like myself since you were a teen so you have been living a lie for the benefit of others most of your life TO me that is a personal problem that is your own and my interest is more in trying to stop and ensure you will not be telling any lies that relate to me or our relationship to bolster a fake white public image that is not truly your soul That is the approach that I am taking Of course I love you but the truth is I did not want to be a secret like how you were trying to make me because you wanted to live this outward white life and keep me who you love also but degrade me because I am in a tan body and more publicly put out this perfect white guy image which is false I love you but you never should have tried to degrade me only for being black and I think you know that but even though you know you were wrong you never tried to apologize to me or go get counseling or discuss your internal character issues with me and explain yourself I was not hiding my race when you first saw my personal ad online and you responded My captain you are the one who pursued me and offered me a real relationship so I tend to think you know what you were doing then you flipped out because I refused to go along with your sicko game that you were trying to make me the victim of because of my parents who were firsthand observers and participants to segregation ending in the sit in movement in their college town of Greensboro NC in the sit in movement So many people marched, died and disappeared for me to be able to live my life without the expectation that I will be degraded only due to my being born black so I could not support you acting like it was a 100 years ago and we had fallen in love in a different time In the times we live in you need to face that the problem is in you and that I am perfectly normal to expect you to apologize for your wrong and your bad No fair minded person would expect me to go along with the bullshit you were putting out and trying to make me and others a victim of That this still goes on is really your fault because you chose to run away rather than to apologize and face what it is you have done That is your problem so I am just doing what I need to do for my healing since you abandoned me where you should not have Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows my actions are what I told you they are- an act of personal conscience because I do not believe in what you were trying to do to me and I do not believe in how I have not received an apology then was threatened and vilified and lied on for doing nothing wrong I also think it was wrong of you to get involved with someone new without dealing with your internal problems inside you and the past You made a mistake trying to run away from your bad actions over dealing with them Because of that you are hurting more people than you should because of you the police report shows that you have been telling fibs and that is gonna catch up to you the next step is putting it all out there and seeking mediation so you get a chance to apologize to me in person and resolve things positively face to face But we do love each other still because neither of us went out to destroy the other and we could have my captain =================== My Christmas wish is for health, faith, goodwill, compassion, peace, understanding and the Christ spirit to abide all year I know in my family since Moms illness that we are more like people who have Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter everyday Mom survived something that kills @95 percent of those who get it within 30 minutes in terms of the kind and location of aneurysm So Mom is a constant reminder to me that the hand of God is more powerful than anything else we can imagine and that miracles really do happen as I witnessed Mom go from a serious coma to breathing on her own again and relearning how to live, walk and talk Jesus this is your birthday but your spirit lives 24-7-365 and in ways in which we cannot always see I know that for myself I am at a place I have to let go of some things I have long wanted in terms of my personal life because I have done what i can do but to grow further God you are gonna have to send me some help and some miracles for it all to work out how it should I think my approach is to do what I can do and to do what is right as best I can But there are limits you face as an individual that I am facing as well no matter how well I do what I do and no matter how I prepare on my own I think it is those limits that frustrate me so much in life It is how I love my captain and loved my captain but rather than being normal and treating me right before others and privately both he was wonderful privately then would turn into someone I never knew who chose to flipout violently and even be threatening over owning a happy and positive relationship to me because of my race and this man loves me and really I deserved to be treated right and well privately and also around others and acknowledged positively I am a quiet person anyway but nothing wrong with wanting to be treated right too and like I have worth and value to him not just privately but also if others were looking as well I have been enjoying Christmas music concerts on cable and am watching a Disney Christmas parade on tv which is nice since I could not get to a live one like I usually do having to work right up til Noon on Christmas eve I am about to start laughing because they are talking to a Swanson family at the Chicago Disney Christmas parade and yesterday I was going thru my Disney stuff in emails and I still had Swanson family Disney Vacation Club confirmations since I used to have you on all my Disney reservations while we were seeing each other my captain so you could have your own room key my captain since we often met at Disney since I stayed there and in Leesburg both ======================== Happy Holidays. Merry Christmas. Happy whatever it is that you celebrate. Peace. Goodwill. Good Tidings. Good Health. Shalom. And even happy solstice as we also celebrate the earths cyclical rebirth I am full of hope this Christmas Day but also sadness that we are without my Dad But I appreciate so much God and appreciate the blessings and protection you have afforded me and my family and the guidance you have provided because even in my darkest moments this year somehow you would reach out to me as I got those anonymous texts twice this year to tell me- GOD IS NOT DEAD Pastor Joel Osteen Ministries would say in some of his sermons that things like this happen to people and well I can attest that it really does occur I still have those GOD IS NOT DEAD texts on my phone as they came at times when I was feeling hopeless Not even I know where those texts came from to me but it let me know that I have not been alone in my pain and grief and sufferings That to me is the essence of why Christ was born to let humanity know we are not alone ============= I close this poem by stating that as my testimony that God is very much alive and well and just like Jesus was sent to help us humans God/Jesus are still very much accessible in any of our times of need Sometimes we reach out and sometimes God will find us wherever we are to reach out to us like what happened to me Those 2 text messages gave me hope that even if it was not perfect that I was being watched out for and protected as I was in pain for a lot of things trying to heal myself from the depth of the kind of emotional pain that cripples people Help me to keep doing those things that I am charged with as a lot of people rely on me and help me to be healthy and safe and remain protected well with a good vision to stablize and to provide a sustainable and propserous and healthy life for me and my family and help me and my sister both to have some human kids too so Mom and Dad get to have some human grandkids and not just grandpets But we have gone thru so much and I really was not sure how to make it after my captains abandonment I have to be there for my family but a lot of other people look to me to save their jobs and homes as well and I do my best for folks and have a high percentage of changing outcomes to better HELP US ALL. HELP THE WORLD. HELP MY FAMILY. HELP ANYONE WHO NEEDS IT. THIS IS MY PRAYER OF GRATITUDE AND EXPECTATION With that I close this prayer/poem AND SO IT IS IS. AMEN.
Posted on: Thu, 25 Dec 2014 12:45:40 +0000
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