THE DON LEMON CRISIS HOTLINE “Hello, Don Lemon Crisis Hotline. How can I help you?” “Well, uh… Oh, God, I can’t even say it…” “Please, don’t be ashamed, we’re here to help you.” “I… I just watched a Don Lemon interview segment on CNN!” “Okay, be calm, try to breathe. I can talk you through this.” “I was flipping the dials and I accidentally came across it.” “Don’t worry. There are no judgments here.” “I swear, I was looking for a Law & Order rerun, and the next thing I knew I was being assaulted by the idiocy of Don Lemon’s questions.” “How much of the interview did you hear?” “The whole thing!” “Oh, my God!” “My remote fell under my couch and I couldn’t reach it. And I have no idea where the power switch on my actual TV is. ” “Few people do. This could happen to anyone. Now, please try to remember: Specifically where did Don Lemon’s stupidity touch you?” “In my ears. And then it seeped into my brain and now my soul is stained forever!” “But it’s a good thing that you called. We can begin the healing process.” “At first I was afraid to call. On his show, Don Lemon was implying that his guest was party responsible for the awful thing that happened to her. I worried that would happen if I called here.” “We don’t blame the victim here. And if more people stepped forward and talked openly about being exposed to a Don Lemon broadcast, the world would be a better place. You are to be commended for your courage.” “Thank you.” “Okay, I need to ask this. During the Don Lemon segment, was there any mention of a missing Malaysian airline, or black holes? Were any psychics asked to weigh in?” “I don’t think so.” “Well, that’s a relief. The Don Lemon victims who called here during that story have yet to recover. So in some ways you’re lucky.” “Guess I should count my blessings, huh? I feel a little bit better already.” “Before I let you go, please listen to these instructions. Stay away from cable TV altogether for a while. You don’t want to risk this happening again. Do you have Netflix?” “Yes. In fact, I noticed they’re showing a film called ‘Network.’” “I’ve seen that movie and I do not recommend it. A documentary about the current state of TV News is the last thing you should be watching right now.” “They’re also showing every film in the ‘Saw’ series.” “That’s better, it’ll take your mind off the horror of seeing that Don Lemon interview. Thanks for calling.” “No, thank you! You may have saved my life.”
Posted on: Wed, 19 Nov 2014 18:10:32 +0000