THE HARBOR: AN ESSAY ON RELATIONSHIPS (Incisive thoughts from a formerly happily single guy) ------------ Hundreds of books and, quite literally, thousands and thousands of lines of advice governing the dance of courtship have been tossed about throughout the ages. Everyone has a tale to tell, a tragedy to share, or a lesson or two about the guy or woman who was, will be, or is “this or that.” It is not the tale of success or failure that lends credence to accepting every bit of advice on meeting the guy or girl of your dreams. More specifically, it is the recollection of acute angles and avenues of attention, along with windows of opportunity that will garner the best support, best laid plans, and, ultimately, the best man or woman for you. The acute angles, or the actual method in which you use to capture your mate are most revealing. Your method reveals not only what you expect of them, but also quite a bit about your past, your current state of mind, and your intentions of self. If you expect an easy “challenge,” you will most likely exert little effort in attempting to corner their attention. The interesting corollary is that you will expect to expend very little effort at getting anything else from them. Now… please understand that your expectations and reality often have little or nothing to do with one another. In fact, most people are completely in the dark when attempting to reconcile what they (themselves) are thinking and what others are actually doing (more on that later). If you have high expectations when meeting that potential other, the resulting courtship will likely produce some surprisingly good memories, notwithstanding the ultimate state of the relationship. Why? Well… your thoughts really do provide the basis and precursor of what your actions will be. Your expectations (which are mere thoughts) actually place the foundation for your future. Moreover, it is your perception that usually dominates reality (as opposed to the reality of the situation affecting the flavor of your perception). This concept is exemplified in its extreme via the stalker who refuses to believe that the object of his affection has little or no interest in him. Or, as stated another way: never underestimate the power of denial. Of course, expectations alone do not direct the initial encounter toward success and/or failure. An equally important facet of interpersonal exchange is the collective past that sits quite comfortably within the powerful confines of your mind. Nothing affects us more as individuals than our history, except, perhaps, for the homage that we bestow upon it. For it is a given that we all have spent a mile or two on the cobblestone road of heartache, disappointment, or just plain ol’ tragedy. After the superlative beauty of teenage romances, childhood crushes, and adolescent naïveté, our lives are usually thrown a serious curve ball that trounces any notion of purity, absolutes, or true “indiscretions.” However… as with perception and reality, our past has, paradoxically, so little and yet so much to do with our present state of mind. Yes, we have spent endless days and nights trudging up (or down) that bumpy road of relationship doom, sensing the finality but disregarding the inevitability of it all. Yes, we have each grown tired of a love that really wasn’t love at all. Yes, we have each tasted the inexplicably localized, yet obviously-not-physical pain hovering about the physical location of our beating heart. Yes, we have all hoped for tomorrow while wishing today had never happened. The question is: what does yesterday have to do with today? Specifically, what are you harboring as a result of those hard-fought, hard-taught, onslaughts of true-life lessons that dotted your path from yesteryear on up to the minute you began reading this latest bit of advice. And, make no mistake about it; you ARE harboring knowledge of the past. The question is: in which harbor are you living in? And perhaps more importantly, how and when will you set your sails yet again? There is a place where they send the damaged, not-yet-seaworthy ships and boats of yesterday. This harbor of destitute watercraft is laced with poisons from the leaking oil pans, fuel from the busted gas tanks, and trash from the angry captains and first mates who have refused to give up on their cantankerous craft, yet have demanded that it remain in or near the water. This trash is so pervasive that it affects every living creature in, on, and even near the harbor. The weather ecosystem is thoroughly damaged, producing an endless cycle of acid rain, torturous storms, and horrendous floods. The sea life is almost non-existent. Sure, life does exist within the confines of this murky harbor. But only the toughest, meanest, craftiest, and, yes, deadliest forms of life call this sludge home. For only the true survivalist belong here. And each of the captains will surely share this sentiment. They will ensure you fully understand the grief they have faced. They will continuously recycle their most dangerous and devious encounters. These captains have no time for hope, for they cannot see the horizon, let alone beyond it. These captains have no appreciation for each other… or anyone else. For it is their own personal tragedies that alone sit atop Mount Despair, and no other soul could possibly understand what storms they have faced while traversing the seven seas. And, alas, these captains have absolutely no interest in tomorrow, for they know their days are limited, and only a fool would want to share tomorrow with a dying soul such as they. It is these captains that make up this harbor. It is this harbor that, because of its very nature, it is so terribly difficult to navigate in and out of. It is this harbor where so many people reside, and where we must refuse to take refuge. It is this harbor that prohibits the beautiful expanse of a relationship we so often dream about but rarely take a risk of discovery by foregoing the comfortable confines of the familiar shore. Many relationship pundits insist that past relationships have very little connection to our present relationships. The theory is based solely on the power of denial and is in complete conflict with the fact that, as humans, we have unlimited learning and memorizing capabilities. We may tell ourselves to forget about what happened with Larry or Mary when we were twelve, eighteen, or twenty-three. But, the truth is, we will always remember these long-ago encounters. However, memories can often be viewed as a mere personal retention of facts, tempered here and there with emotions, perceptions, and mental machinations. Instead of trying to flee the past and forget the “best or worst time ever…” it is much more important to remember and resolve, [than it is to (try to) forget and flail]. Attempting to forget a particularly bad or good episode of our past without properly resolving its related impact on us could lead to a certain flailing about as we attempt to force a disconnect between what was and what is, or more importantly, what could be. We think those times are tucked away in some lost corner of our mind. However, just like that old faded ball cap or precious class ring we no longer wear… though they remain out of sight and perhaps out of immediate mind, we know where to find them; we just don’t know when or why we start looking for them. We might find ourselves being thrown back to a situation, an episode, a period, or even a place of refuge. Sometimes we know why or how we got there: we find ourselves wishing we were there again, among that time and place of “true” friends and lovers. In reality, if it were “true” love, and if they were “true” friends, it wouldn’t take a trip down memory lane to find them. A simple phone call or a small knock on their door would suffice. Therein lies the paradox of the relationship mind: our past is not neatly cataloged according to good times and bad times, great loves and gross failures, Ferris wheels and merry-go-rounds… No, we kinda’ fit things in wherever they seem to fall. And that’s the exact order in which we retrieve them: whenever and wherever they seem most likely to fit. This “total remembrance” is precisely why it is imperative for us to resolve our notions of a superlative past or horrific history. No matter what we have faced, our tomorrows can be the antithesis of yesterday, or a close copy of days gone by. Ironically, the only way to totally disconnect yesterday from today is to totally embrace what yesterday so aptly provided, and at whatever cost you may have associated with those events. As the saying goes, ”Truth is what is, not what should be.” Deny your past, and you may be doomed to repeat it. And so it is, that many of us find ourselves in the same types of relationships, despite our infuriating efforts focused on preventing such a tragedy. In short, how you feel about your relationship has far more to do with the people you have endured than the person you are currently enduring. Women, being the emotional superior of the two genders, are far more susceptible to being inextricably bound to their past than their male counterparts. This statement is not an arrow through the heart of the sensitive male, nor is it an attempted crack in the armor of the man’s man who feels no pain as he endures the travails of life. It is a simple fact based upon physical interdependencies, societal norms and expectations, and, in general, a male-dominated society (which permeates literally everything we do). Women bear our children after months of preparation and an incredible crescendo of anticipation. Women create entire generations from dreams and hopes that appear to spill from a man’s lips as he shares a part of himself with her. Men, on the other hand, seek refuge and solitude in women as a temporary means of sanctuary and retreat. For the most part, this sanctuary is understood to be temporary yet true. True to the sanctity of solitude from other men, and from the pressures of societal expectation. True to the growing bond that fulfills each: she and the nurturing instinct that drives her to provide, protect, and even pretend; he and the intermittent need to regress, ever so slightly, from a constant state of consequences, to a comforted cradle of carelessness. Ironically, it is in the woman’s bosom of care that men often find their (increased) strength and truly objective thought. It is here that they could have no discernible enemy or preconceived sparring challenges. This is “ironic” primarily because, if the woman’s bosom is not the place to find those things, then, ideally, the man must prolong his search for the woman who can provide such a place. The irony is also presented when, after discovering the woman who is indeed talented in the way of providing his needs, the man, re-strengthened, enlightened, and far more courageous than before he met this woman of providence, moves on in an attempt to perpetuate his primordial belief that such a sanctuary is, at best, temporary. This “moving on” is not one of male discontent amid his relationship with her. To the contrary! In fact, it is because of his ability to relate with this great woman that he is able to rest his mind, body, and soul… and move on in his quest to build a better future for her… and all that she has built. In closing, I offer three specific actions to move from the harbor to the open seas: 1. BELIEVE. Have faith that there is an order to this universe. Yes, bad things happen to good people. The good die young. And all manner of horrific things have happened in this world. And yet, here we are, among the most glorious times in human existence. We can now fly across the continent in a few hours; it used to take a few months. We can now discuss without talking, visit without leaving, and SCREAM WITHOUT SAYING A WORD. Yet, all this progress has come at a terrible price. In a matter of minutes, we know the latest tragedy, regardless of how many hundreds or thousands of miles separating us from it. But we rarely hear great or even good news as it happens. This is an excruciatingly flawed foundation for a futuristically fun, faithful existence. But we can change it. And by “we” I mean YOU and I. If you are in a relationship (and we are ALL in some type of relationship), know that some things matter more than others. Specifically, ask yourself these 3 specific things: a. How can I BETTER serve? • You are not serving the other person; you are serving the relationship. b. For what should I apologize? • As an imperfect being, the best that you can do is to always forgive. In a very real way, forgiveness is actually pre-giving the apology (fore-giving). It’s great to apologize when you know you have done something wrong or offensive. It’s far better to forgive, even if "they" have no idea what they have done. As the saying goes, "When you forgive, you release a prisoner – and that prisoner is you." c. What is my NEW standard of living? • Various news organizations use the two words normal and average interchangeably. But the two words mean absolutely nothing to you and me. After all, what is the average city in the world or the United States? What is the normal dinner? What is the average car? What does the average person do on an average day? Give these seemingly mundane questions some thought, and ask yourself, “Am I secretly comparing myself to the “average” person?” If you are comparing yourself to the average person (and many people do), you are selling yourself extremely short. Your relative worth is measured by your relatives... not by the piles of stuff you have relative to your neighbors. This is an obvious play on words, but the point is clear: use the word “relative” to describe people to whom you are related. As a person, you do not have “relative worth”; you are wonderfully irreplaceable. And if you feel the urge to compare yourself to something, compare yourself to “the best that you can do.” It is too easy to compare yourself to “the average person.” Moreover, it’s even easier to defeat the average person. Why? Because “the average person” doesn’t exist! 2. BREATHE. Pay attention to how you live, second by second… for five little minutes. Today, as soon as you finish reading this essay, invest five full minutes breathing deeply by yourself in a quiet place removed from others. Five minutes: that’s all it takes to begin resetting the direction of your sails. From those five short minutes, you can grow a daily habit of rest, relaxation, and routine revitalization of the most important person in the world: you. For many people, five minutes of “nothing but breathing” seems like a waste of time, if not far too difficult. But you actually need to pay more attention to your SELF. Over the past five to ten years, social media has led to an explosion of social awareness. Yet, within the same expanse of time, it seems like society has lost all respect and regard for the one thing that matters most: knowledge of self. Yeah… sure… we all know about ourselves. But we really to know our one true self. And that type of knowledge is best gained with a great deal of time with (only) our one true self. Start with five minutes; end with a whole new appreciation for who you really are. 3. ACCEPT. ADAPT. ACHIEVE ®. Fundamentally, I believe this little mantra can change the world. In relationship matters, this little mantra is especially true. But with regard to your relationship with your self, this little mantra can help you shift into an entirely new level of leading, living, and letting the Love of your life guide your ship to where it was always intended to go. a. The past: Accept it. The present: Adapt to it. The future: Achieve your goals. b. How? • Believe. Breathe. Accept. Adapt. Achieve. ® c. Realize that it’s YOUR CHOICE to steer clear from here. • As Henley said in Invictus, “I am the master of my fate...the captain of my soul.” ============= About the Author: John H. Clark III is an optimistic realist who loves writing about life’s big and little truisms. Formerly educated at the University of Memphis and The Naval Postgraduate School, John has shared insights from his international travels and lifelong journey of leadership, while assisting organizations and individuals achieve synergies outside of the traditional thoughts and limitations of conventional methodologies. As Founding President of The Positive Information Exchange, John launched an altruistic platform for creating synergistic relationships that transcend simple ideas, simple rhetoric, and divisive conjecture. The Positive Information Exchange is a pathway to an idealistic-but-real place. By incorporating Truth and ideals, John believes that everyone… including students, families, organizations, and individuals… can go far beyond current mindsets, risky relationships, learned restrictions, and confusing misinterpretations. For additional information, please visit JohnClarkiii
Posted on: Mon, 30 Sep 2013 00:07:38 +0000
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