THE ROLE OF THE MINISTER IN BEREAVEMENT Guidelines and Training Suggestions Produced by the Churches’ Funerals Group Contents Preface (by the then-Chairman of the Funerals Group, the Rt Revd Conrad Meyer) 1. Training for pastoral care 2. Pastoral care in practice 3. Funerals 4. Lay ministry and bereaved people 5. Links and co-operation Role of the Minister in Bereavement 1 Preface When considering the ministry to the bereaved, the Group has always been conscious of the contribution made by the clergy. This awareness is, of course, not intended to undervalue in any way the important parts played by others, among whom mention may be made of the medical and nursing professions, the social services and funeral directors. However, the Churches’ representatives on the Group are also conscious of their responsibility to assist and support their colleagues in performing this ministry. In addition, it has been the Group’s policy to maintain touch with other agencies similarly committed. The experience and expertise of Cruse is well known, and the Group has benefited from the advice of its Director, Mr Derek Nuttall. This is so directly relevant for ministers of all denominations that the Group invited him to write on this theme, which he consented to do. The result is now warmly commended by the Group, stressing that these are guidelines, and that the advice should be viewed in the light of local circumstances. The Group wishes to record its sincere thanks to Mr Derek Nuttall for the way in which he has generously placed his knowledge and time at the disposal of the Group. ␣CONRAD MEYER Chairman Role of the Minister in Bereavement 2 1. Training for Pastoral Care 1.1 By no means everyone is naturally at ease with people who are dying or with those who have been bereaved. That is as true of ministers as of members of other caring professions. The right sort of training can make all the difference, by providing knowledge and skill and the self-confidence and self-awareness which helps them to succeed in this emotionally charged area of work. It must be accepted that, even with training, some will never be really suited to it. They too need understanding and help as they minister to dying and bereaved people in church and community. 1.2 Not all ministers will wish to be, or will be able to be, bereavement counsellors in the sense of a defined role within the Church or with an organisation in the community. Some bereavement counselling skills, however, should be taught to all in pre- and post- ordination training. The curriculum of theological colleges could include instruction in the care of dying and bereaved people as part of training, and their students could be encouraged to attend extra-mural courses. Post-ordination training and refresher courses might be made available regularly, and full use made of outside agencies. It is essential to equip all ministers with the knowledge and skill which they need in order to provide meaningful support to dying and bereaved people and to recognise those at particular risk as a result of bereavement. They also need to be able to deal with their own personal feelings and possible difficulties, and know where to turn for pastoral support. 1.3 Basic training can take place in college, but it is only after some experience of work with dying and bereaved people that the opportunity comes to reflect on what is being done and to refine skills. However, training should not overlook the need for help with comparatively basic things: what to do or say on the first visit to a bereaved home; how to greet and say farewell to those attending a funeral; how to write condolence letters; what the practicalities are after a death. Getting these details right is important, both for the minister and for those being cared for. Needless to say, the conduct of a funeral and other ritual and liturgical acts should have a place in training; this will be shaped by the practice of the denomination concerned, but should not be narrowly denominational. 1.4 The preparation could usefully include talks, seminars, etc, given by qualified people from within the Church or outside it; discussion groups, conducted by people with appropriate skills, allowing for the expression of personal feelings and doubts; and experiential work including role play. The training sessions should be supplemented by recommended reading and by discussions with experienced ministers. 2. Pastoral Care in Practice 2.1 It is rare for pastoral visits to a recently bereaved home to be unwelcome. Although the links that the bereaved individual and family have with the Church will have a bearing on the pattern of visits, it is hoped that the need for support, rather than the strength of the connection with the Church, will mainly determine their level and frequency. 2.2 Most usefully the first visit should be as soon as possible after the death. It might be appropriate for prayers to be said with the family, possibly in the presence of the deceased. The cause of death will be one of the factors determining how the family, or individual, will respond and in what state they will be. There may be sadness with greater acceptance of an older person’s death; shock and possibly great distress if there has been an accidental or sudden death or the deceased is a young person. Some knowledge therefore will be necessary of how the cause of death affects the reactions of those bereaved. The basic purpose of the visit is to listen, comfort, and offer practical help, assess any particular problem requiring attention and gain information on the level of support available. Prayers and scripture readings will depend on individual circumstances and practice. The minister needs to have sufficient information to advise bereaved people where to register deaths, obtain documents, claim benefits, etc. 2.3 If the minister is conducting the funeral, discussion about it will be part of this early visit. It is often helpful if the procedures are explained, particularly if there are some who may be attending a funeral for the first time, which is a not uncommon situation. Such an explanation can be especially helpful for teenagers or children. The timing of this explanation will need to be chosen sensitively. The first visit may not be opportune if there are a number of people coming and going. 2.4 Whilst ministers will be sensitive to the particular needs of the bereaved when deciding on the timing of other visits, it may be helpful if they can be made within a week of the funeral and again within the next three or four weeks. An assessment should be made of the needs of the family and of the support they are receiving from family members and from friends. It is important to ask about and to be aware of any teenage or younger children, for their needs can easily be overlooked. Equally it should be remembered that the needs of the family as a whole must be recognised; to counsel one member and not others could lead to tensions building up within the family. 2.5 A visit around the three-month period will be very useful. Many bereaved people find that by this time there has been a general reduction in the interest shown by others and sometimes an expectation that they should be ‘getting over it’. In these and other visits, ministers will respond to where bereaved people are in their grief, watch for signs that something may be going wrong, and assess what intervention is appropriate. 2.6 Ministers will be expected to deal with spiritual issues that may arise; to be aware of any risk or vulnerability, specially in those who are now left on their own; and to give enabling support to bereaved people to help them come to terms with what has happened and work through their grief. It is important to remember and acknowledge, with a visit, telephone call, card or letter, the first anniversary of the death. Other dates are significant, such as Christmas, children’s birthdays, or a wedding anniversary. 3. Funerals 3.1 A thorough understanding of the processes of bereavement will help ministers with the conducting of a funeral. They will appreciate that the funeral is not only a significant rite but also an important and necessary part of grieving. A funeral is the closing of one chapter in the grieving process and the threshold of another. Until the funeral is over, bereaved people find it difficult to organise their lives in any realistic way. A funeral sensitively conducted can aid grieving and recovery. A funeral indifferently handled can hinder this process. 3.2 A funeral often has an importance for many more people outside the close family and friends. The setting and ritual are important because words alone are inadequate to express the depth of feeling, the profundity of the transition from living to dying, from having to losing. 3.3 Whilst the core of the funeral service will be similar in most Christian traditions, the liturgy and practices surrounding it will vary. Whatever the variations, it is suggested that the following guidelines apply: 3.4 The funeral should be personal, with the deceased and closely bereaved mentioned by name. The service should be dignified but not formal. The worship should touch, acknowledge, express and validate the feelings of those present. The minister should speak gently and comfortably about death and the natural sadness it brings. 3.5 The service should put into words feelings not only of loss, but of gratitude. It should encourage continuing support for the bereaved, and mutual support among the family. It should assist the bereaved to begin to work through their grief. It should offer Christian reassurance, comfort and hope and see the even tin the context of God’s eternal purposes. Additional factors for consideration include: • when the deceased or relatives are non-believers • being asked to share in a funeral when the deceased or bereaved are of a faith other than Christian • conducting funerals of Christians from different ethnic backgrounds • conducting the funerals of those who have committed suicide, been murdered, or killed by accident or disaster • appropriate practices when death is confirmed but the body has not been recovered or has been donated for research. Local practical details include: • ensuring prior discussion with other ministers and/or lay people if they are sharing in the service • establishing good links with funeral directors and cemetery and crematorium staff • taking account of various funeral settings: the church building, the home, the crematorium chapel, the graveside • familiarity with the layout, books, controls and procedures of crematorium chapels • being informed on the procedures and choices affecting the disposal of ashes after cremation. 3.6 It may be helpful for the officiating minister, if invited, to be present at any gathering after the funeral, at the home or elsewhere. This may be seen as an important part of the ritual. 3.7 Services attended later by bereaved people also need consideration. In some places mourners attend worship on the Sunday following the funeral. Their presence needs to be acknowledged, possibly by reference in prayers and/or sermon, and, where needed, time devoted to them after the service. 3.8 The minister should be encouraged to talk about death and grief in sermons and on other occasions. This will reduce the reluctance to discuss the subject and also increase the congregation’s understanding of the needs of dying and bereaved people. Loss and grief are subjects which may well be discussed at study groups and special meetings, with a talk being given by a representative of a bereavement organisation. 3.9 An annual service of thanksgiving for those who have died during the year, with a personal invitation to bereaved people, may be appreciated. On such occasions the provision of refreshments afterwards helps to build links with the Church. Some crematoria arrange an annual service for relatives of those cremated or buried during the year. Local ministers are often invited to participate. 4. Lay Ministry and Bereaved People 4.1 The growing interest in bereavement and the needs of bereaved people is encouraging, but careful thought is required before any kind of formal helping service is set up. An assessment should be made of what already exists in the community, the kind of help that will be made available and the resources that are needed. Care should be taken when setting up such a group that it does not rely too heavily on the minister, as a successor may not have the same interest, with the result that it gradually fades away. 4.2 When lay people are to share in the Church’s pastoral care for bereaved people, thought needs to be given as to whether such a ministry is to be distinct from or part of the overall pastoral caring. Will a group of people be chosen to undertake this specific task or will those involved in pastoral care be asked to see caring for bereaved people as part of their overall task? A second decision relates to what role in bereavement care lay people are to have. There are three possible roles, and the choice of role will determine the content of training and the kind of people needed: (i) Visitor: Basically good neighbourliness, regular contact, general social conversation, possibly helping with practical things, alerting ministers to any particular need. (ii) Befriender: A more active role, offering help in more positive ways than the visitor, accompanying bereaved people, eg to the Social Security office, being more aware of the bereavement process, and again reporting signs of concern. (iii) Counsellor: A properly trained, selected and supported role, responding to the emotional and psychological needs in bereavement, with insight and knowledge to deal with grief and make appropriate referrals for additional help if needed. Counselling is a task that requires completion and therefore the counsellor is not seen as the ‘forever’ link. Friendships may develop which may well change the nature of the relationship. 4.3 Each of these three categories is a formal group although with increasing remits. Whichever, if any, is chosen it is essential that a proper referral link be set up. The minister should know who the people are and match bereaved person to lay worker. All those involved, whichever pattern is chosen, require induction or training. 4.4 The role of the minister in this aspect of ministry includes: • helping the congregation to appreciate the importance of caring for bereaved people • gaining the congregation’s backing for those involved in such caring, including financial recompense if expenses are incurred • structuring the care so that it operates smoothly • ensuring appropriate induction or training, and regular support • being available to complement the work of carers on spiritual and other matters when needed • defining the tasks and aim. It may be possible to offer such a service in conjunction with a neighbouring parish or congregation or as an ecumenical activity within a community. 4.5 It is important that the congregation should encourage its minister to be involved with bereavement organisations in the community and for ministers to encourage appropriate members of the congregation to be similarly involved. This will be a two-way exchange, and skills learned and experience gained will benefit pastoral work and awareness. 4.6 Setting up formal support for bereaved people through the Church will make demands on those doing it and those organising it, and should not be undertaken lightly. 5. Links and Co-operation 5.1 It is of utmost importance that carers of the bereaved, professional or lay, should be thoroughly cognisant of appropriate local organisations and resources so that, whenever necessary, additional help may be sought and referrals made. Numerous as such organisations are, however, they are only able to offer help to a proportion of those who need them, and the counselling of the bereaved will also remain the responsibility of those members of the caring professions whose work brings them into close contact with bereaved and grieving people – clergy, doctors, community nurses, social workers, health visitors and others. Ministers need therefore to establish the closest co-operation with all who are involved in the care of the dying and bereaved. Such links may include funeral directors, crematoria and cemetery staff, general practitioners, hospital chaplains, hospice workers, and leaders of ethnic and minority communities. 5.2 Professional carers need to be sufficiently flexible and ready to redefine their respective roles, and so be enabled to function more effectively and work more closely as a team. In this way a fresh dimension is given to pastoral counselling and a greater depth to inter- personal relationships. 5.3 One of the main functions of such local co-operation is to serve as a bridge between the socially withdrawn bereaved person and the community. Those who are bereaved often find it difficult to readjust their lives and to function in what is now a changed role in society – no longer a wife but a widow; no longer a couple but a ‘single’. The outside world can become a threatening and a dangerous place when one has to learn a new set of roles and plan life afresh. 5.4 Local links with organisations should be seen as stages of transition rather than provisions of perpetual refuge or of pastoral desertion. The care of the bereaved is a communal responsibility, both in the early and on-going phases of grief when people need most help. The first essential of all counselling work will be the establishing of a meaningful relationship. The warmth of the minister’s concern, the depth of acceptance and understanding, and the fostering of mutual good will between local links and organisations, will all help the bereaved express their emotions, release their tensions and so gain insight and fresh perspective for the tasks that may lie ahead. With all the various local resources working and ministering together in closest co-operation and understanding, the bereaved will once again be able to face the future with increased hope and inner stability. Mr Derek Nuttall Director of CRUSE
Posted on: Fri, 08 Aug 2014 15:43:10 +0000
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