THE TOPPER Nearly everybody knows at least one “topper”. Postal employees seem to know at least three or four of them. A topper is a person who will top anything you say. If you mention that you spent $200 on your groceries last week, the topper will say, “Aw, that’s nothing. Yesterday I used $100 worth of coupons and still spent $400 on groceries.” If you tell people that you lost ten pounds on the latest diet, the topper will claim to have a method that’ll take off twenty pounds in half the time. You get the point. In any case, the greatest topper I’ve ever met is my pal Tom Clooney. Clooney is a postal clerk in Michigan. He’s one of the friendliest guys you’ll ever meet, but his knack for outdoing and outtalking everyone makes some folks run away when they see him coming. Hey, I get a kick out of him. I find his stories hilarious. The other day, the fellows were in the locker room talking sports. The name Barry Sanders was brought up. Clooney said, “Yeah, I gave Barry some advice late in his football career.” One guy laughed and said, “Oh. You helped Barry Sanders with his running game?” “No,” said Clooney, “I told him something that probably convinced him to retire. I feel a little bit guilty.” The guys just looked at each other and shook their heads. Last month, the Post Office hosted a seminar commemorating the 100th Anniversary of Parcel Post, a popular and economical postal service since 1913. The speaker referred to the conveniences of the system for farmers and business persons. The inexpensive rates were also mentioned. After the seminar was over, it was lunch time. A few of us decided to go to a fast food place to grab a bite. Between bites, one of the fellows said, “My dad said that he used the parcel post to send his laundry home from college for my grandma to wash. Now that’s something.” People nodded and smiled around the table. Then a voice said, “Aw, that’s nothing.” We all looked at Clooney to hear his newest tall tale. He just continued to eat as if he hadn’t said anything. We tried to wait him out, but finally somebody asked, “So what fantastic Parcel Post story do you have, Clooney?” Clooney finished chewing, then he said (with a poker-face), “My grandmother told us that in 1913 when she was three years old, she and her family lived on the east coast. Her father (my great grandpa) was a traveling salesman on the west coast. He really missed his little girl. And since my grandma was so tiny, her mother simply packaged her up and mailed my grandmother to her dad cross country …parcel post.” Clooney picked up his glass and took a sip of water. Nobody said another word. Once again, Clooney had the spotlight. In December, 2012 and January of this year, Michigan lost hundreds of workers to retirement. There were some nice parties given in honor of those men and women. Clooney went to one of those parties. At one point, a crowd was gathered around the oldest retiree who was talking about his fifty-plus years on the job. During a slight pause in the conversation, Clooney jumped in. “Exactly how many years did you work, sir?” “Fifty five,” the man exclaimed proudly. Clooney said, “Wow. That’s almost exactly how much seniority I have.” Everybody stopped talking. The retiree looked startled. He said, “But that can’t be. You don’t look older than forty.” Clooney had the floor. He smiled and said, “Well, you see, when my father was in Viet Nam he saved a general’s life. The general asked my dad if there was something he could do for him. My dad said, “Nothing for me, sir, but could you do something for my newborn son?” So the general gave my father an official paper which entitles the bearer to automatic 35-year government seniority. My father gave it to me. I just add it to my time on the job. I could retire too. But I’ll stick around for a while.” You can be sure that Clooney’s last sentence is definitely the truth. Note: There were actually a couple of cases in which children were mailed through parcel post. In 1914, the Post Office prohibited the mailing of people.
Posted on: Wed, 23 Jul 2014 16:18:22 +0000
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