THINGS JONTHAN WOULD HAVE DONE LONG AGO by Femi Fani-Kayode _FFK, 2014 1. Firstly he has to resign as President forthwith and undertake to stay out of Nigerian politics for the next ten years and confine himself to fishing in Otueke. 2. Secondly, if he cannot step down, he must give a public undertaking to the Nigerian people that he will not run for re-election in 2015 and tell them that if he changes his mind and decides to do so at the last minute they should stone him. 3. Thirdly he must go and prostrate flat on the floor with his face touching the ground before seven of the most respected and distinguished men in this country and tell them that he is very sorry for the mess he has created and he must refuse to get up until they swear by the Holy Bible or Holy Koran that they have truly forgiven him for destroying our country. Those men are President Olusegun Obasanjo, General Ibrahim Babangida, General Abdulsalami Abubakar, General TY Danjuma, General Muhammadu Buhari, Vice President Atku Abubakar and Asiwaju Bola Tinubu. 4. Fourthly he must write an open letter of apology to the 36 Governors of the Federation, the Senate President, the Speaker of the House and the Chief Justice of the Federation for his manipulative ways and the gross incompetence and ineptitude that he has displayed whilst running the affairs of this country over the last three years. 5. Fifthly he must write a letter of condolence and pay a token fee of compensation as restitution to the families of every single one of the 7000 innocent Nigerians that have been killed by Boko Haram in the last three years. 6. Sixthly he must take off the kid gloves, stop interfering and give the military the green light to use all necessary means to prosecute the war against Boko Haram and he must win that war. 7. Seventhly he must dismantle the death squads and the group of deadly snippers that he has allegedly commissioned to create havoc and he must tear up the list of one thousand opposition figures that he has been accused of drawing up for elimination by Obasanjo and others. 8. Eighthly he must remove one Esho Jinadu who is better known as Mr. Buruju Kashamu (a rather strange name that does not have its origins in yorubaland but instead sounds like a low quality brand of Indian tea) as the leader of the PDP in the south-west and honour the demand of the American Courts and the ruling of the Nigerian Federal High Court and Court of Appeal by extraditing him to the United States of America to answer serious charges of drug smuggling in that country forthwith. 9. Ninthly he must direct his Ijaw supremacist kinsmen to desist from threatening the lives of other Nigerians that oppose his government and who keep threatening brimstone and fire and the dismemberment of Nigeria if he is not allowed to come back in 2015, 10. Tenthly he must undertake to stop serving kai kai at the Presidential Villa and he must dispense with the services of one Mama Brandy, a well-known Ijaw prayer warrior and spiritualist. 11. Eleventhly he must pull down every satanic alter that may have been erected in the Presidency and consecrate and re-dedicate the whole place to the Living God. 12. And twelfthly he must give a public undertaking that the other four Presidents that run this country with him and that act as his Co-Presidents will also step down with him forthwith or, if he insists on staying till 2015, give an undertaking that he will fire them with immediate effect and bar them from playing any role whatsover in the running of the affairs of our country from now on. Those four co- Presidents are, in order of seniority, 1. Dame Patience Jonathan (the First Lady) 2. Allison Dizeani Madueke (the Hon. Minister of Petroleum Resources) 3. Stella Oduah (the not so Hon. Minister of Aviation) and 4. Ngozie Okonjo-Iweala (the Hon. Minister of Finance and the Co-ordinating Minister).
Posted on: Fri, 23 Jan 2015 15:08:08 +0000
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