TIGHTROPE WALKING And so, the other day, I sent FWMP#6 off to all the different letterboxes in NZ and beyond. Ive been worrying about the content ever since. The title of FWMP#6 is THIS IS HOW MY FIRES BURN. And burn, that day, they surely did. I woke up in the morning with a Paper I was very proud of sitting on my desk, ready to fold and address [see second and third photographs on this post]. The central artwork feels like a new direction for me - it really says something beautiful and strong, I think. Artistically, I seem to be getting closer and closer to being able to sucessfully marry image and text - something Ive only been trying to do for 12 years...not much time really... The artwork felt good and right and very close to how I am feeling right now. So far so good. But then, at the last minute, I took a BIG risk. I woke up with SUCH a BURNING feeling in my chest. A strong desire to do something more with this Paper. So, for better or for worse, I set about busting out a wee last minute addition to the Paper, a simple doublesided insert, an A4 black and white piece of paper, folded in half. [see first photograph in this post]. This addition wasnt thought about or measured. It wasnt me making good art. It wasnt me being polite or careful or tiptoeing gently around the lovely people that support my Paper [and therefore my art, and therefore my life]. It was me saying something I desperately needed to say. The insert is partly about sadness. The photograph on the front shows me in tears. [photograph 1, RHS] It was a day about 10 years ago, when my son was moving into his own room and I was distraught [spelling?} at letting him go to it. He was about 8 months old. I cried and cried that day. Even a decade later I remember the big huge release of all that crying. \t. On the inside, I wrote a some words about emotions, how its all good to feel them big and large and uncivilsed. The writing wasnt polished or particularly clever [see photograph 4] but it felt right to me. The back page of the insert [see photograph 1, LHS - you can just see a hint of the text] was about anger and is the content that has caused me all the worry. It is a photograph of me, naked, standing in my studio about a decade ago. I overlaid it with three words I drew roughly on a computer, using a mouse, at about the same time. They are rough words. Go f...k yourself, it says. And, I tell you what, I absolutely mean it. Lately Ive been brought almost to my knees with sorrow and anger, and this photograph that I made for the back page of the insert, it was for once exactly saying what I wanted to say. With no holding back. With no nice girl evident. There have been times in my life, literally and figuratively, where I have been stripped naked by other people. By the force of their will or desire or physicality or manipulation. This photograph, not pretending to be good art [what does that mean anyway, what is the measure?], is me saying, finally, f...k you to all those people who did that. And it felt good. To get angry like that. To publicly be angry. To not be nice or a good girl. Just this once. But my dillema became, would my subscribers like it? Would they be offended? Did that matter? Would they turn their backs on me for being bad? Did I care? The answer is that I do care. The generous people who buy my Paper and support me matter a lot to me. I dont want to offend them. My nice girl side wants to keep them happy at all bloody times... But what I have realised through this anxious couple of days is that the most important job I have to do in this, as creator and producer of my Papers is to create a paper that is artistically and emotionally true for ME. This Paper aint about slick and pretty, and never will be. And anyways, I reckon thats why people are interested in me and my Papers in the first place. Because I make beautiful artwork, for sure, but also because I am human and not afraid of showing it. Because I f...k up sometimes, just like they do. Because I love and feel and get p-ssed off, just like they do. Because Im awesome and crap all at the same time. All the same, Im sorry for those of you who dont like parts of FWMP#6. I give you permission to rip it up, or better still, burn it in the fire. Thats what I do with stuff I dont like. And if I have offended you, I cant promise never to offend you again. I just dont roll that way these days. The only promise I can make is that I will continue putting everything I can into this paper, that I will continue to walk the damn tightrope that is my life, that is crucial to the making of good art. And you get to watch me do it. Watch me falling on my arse, or zipping along that tight line full of grace. For sure, you may scowl sometimes at the content sometimes, but Im figuring that sometimes youre gonna laugh too, or get a smile on your face, or come over all romantic... it is ALL those feelings that make up a person and a life. And hey, at least you get something real in the post for a change. xx
Posted on: Thu, 21 Aug 2014 22:37:29 +0000
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