TODAY IN THE PAST: SEPTEMBER 1, 1807 WASHINGTON, DC: Aaron Burr is acquitted of treason. Jeffersons former vice president had already attracted a dark reputation due to his repeated and increasingly elaborate attempts to murder Alexander Hamilton, including, but not limited to: poisoning Hamiltons figs as they grew on the tree, attempting to drop a safe on Hamilton as he walked down the street (twice), and tying Hamilton up and attempting to force-feed him ten-dollar bills. (It turns out Hamilton loved the ten-dollar bills more than the figs.) After finally crossbowing Hamilton in their famed 1804 duel, Burr fled Washington and disappeared into the wilds of the new lands Jefferson had purchased from Napoleon. Soon, though, whispers came back from the former French territories that Burr, the great enemy, was stirring again. Historians are still not clear what he was plotting. Some say he planned to steal Texas for himself and name himself King Burr, the Hamilton-Slayer. Others say he was planning to drain the Mississippi River and corner the market in muddy, undrinkable water. Others claimed he controlled a rudimentary laser satellite and threatened to destroy Monticello should Jefferson not cede him the presidency immediately. Whatever the case, Jefferson put out a warrant for his arrest. A task force of Whiffenpoofs stormed his private volcano and captured Burr as he was attempting to clone himself. Though solid evidence of treason was murky, Jeffersons personal vehemence toward his former VP made many expect a quick conviction. But the case fell apart when all of the prosecutions star witnesses were found mysteriously dueled to death on this bright, cold September morning. No one knows how Burr did it, but the court was left with no course but to acquit, freeing Burr to live out his life quietly and in shame as a New York attorney and laser satellite consultant. Later, Aaron Burrs half-formed clone would confess to killing the witnesses against his master, but no one understood what he said, due to his half-formation. —More Information Than You Require (2008) \|/ Reposted by: -H- Team /|\ Hodgmania
Posted on: Mon, 01 Sep 2014 19:00:02 +0000
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