***TOP 5 OBSCURE ASHMOLE TEACHERS*** We have spoken at length about many of those teachers who, back in the 80s, put in hours of sweat and tears moulding us into the fine citizens we are today [*cough*]. Who could ever forget Muppet with his half-moon face, mushroom cloud hair and cupboard full of canes? Mister Morris with his winning smile and used car salesman charm? Mister Winder with his Geordie accent and violent episodes? And classic characters like Edwards, Davis, Pibworth, Jack, Tulley and Greenshields? But every great song must have its B-side. So here is our brief rundown of teachers who may have escaped your attention in the 80s but are now affectionately remembered on this very page... 1. Mister Kolcynski Grim-faced, career-minded gulag escapee with an extremely hot-looking wife who was drafted in to try and deal with some of the more challenging pupils at Ashmole in the mid-80s. Kolcynski arrived from Poland where he had previously undergone a complete humourectomy, resulting in an inability to smile and a penchant for petty arguments with pupils. Very focused on knocking Pibworth off his perch, Kolcynski was installed in as head of the Upper School, above the heads of many other teachers who had been there for several years. His Ashmole career lasted as long as a Polish dockers sobriety. Now a minicab driver in Gdańsk. Probably. 2. Mrs Unger Inoffensive teacher of German and French with none of the panache and glamour of her language colleague, Miss Collier. Unger was a statuesque woman, along the same physical lines as Miss Turnbull, with long blonde hair tied back in a tail or bunched up on top of her head in a chignon, with a wardrobe full of muffin-coloured cardigans to match. Quite a long-serving staff member with no discernable characteristics to speak of. 3. Mister Elliston English teacher who taught in the clouds at the top of Block 1 and wore an elbow-padded jacket with trousers that were too tight around the buttocks, resulting in a baboon-like protuberance around the back. His room reeked of stale milk. He left in the very early 80s and was replaced by shouty northern sweatbox, Mister Yates. 4. Mister Gabriel Mixed race afro-headed musician Gilbert Gabriel was brought in as a supply teacher in the early 80s to fill in for Miss Kelly while she was having one of her many nervous breakdowns. Gabriel was laid back and wore waistcoats and wooden beads. Appearance-wise he was like an Asda-brand Jimi Hendrix. He had the last laugh, though: a couple of years after his brief stint as a supply teacher at Ashmole, he had a #15 UK hit single as part of The Dream Academy (in 1985) with Life In A Northern Town. 5. Mister Maclelland Carrot-topped alpha male, permanently clad in a salt-and-vinegar-blue track suit, who was conscripted into Ashmole as a PE supply teacher for a few weeks. Petty and aggressive, Maclelland was known to make unruly pupils stand with their hands against the wall while he beat their buttocks with a badminton racket. Ooh, saucy. On the football pitch, he would run up and down like a gazelle, with long strides, blowing his little whistle and threatening pupils with physical violence. An utter tool. And not forgetting (or should that be not remembering?)... 6. Mister Jackson Mild-mannered Michael Palin lookalike in powder blue sackcloth suits who taught Economics in Hut 2. Jackson arrived at the school in the late 70s, having owned a flower shop in Covent Garden and was known to explode, launching violent attacks on anyone who pushed him too far. Beset with angry red gin blossoms on his pockmarked cheeks, Jackson was full of good intention but ultimately as memorable as a wet weekend in Walsall. **Have we forgotten any forgettable teachers? (Does that sentence even make any sense?) Please share your memories and anecdotes and please keep it relatively kind - some of those teachers may be sipping coffee in the Great Staff Room In The Sky, or actually be reading this right now!
Posted on: Sat, 13 Sep 2014 09:12:19 +0000
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