TRIATHLON TITILLATION Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you about the evil masterplan of Catlow and Conti to corrupt us all. It must be nearly a year ago that I wrote a piece detailing the extent of their triathlon perversion, and look where we are now: with their scheming sidekicks ‘Hels’ Varcoe and Krazy Kath McNaughton, they’ve formed the HJ Tri-Sisters to spread their kinky practices throughout the club. In the last few weeks, we’ve seen Boniface and Dumbrell dipping their toes in the water (metaphorically, at least), Catlow brainwashing her own son into taking part in the HORSHAM YOUTH TRI (Sunday 22 June), and last Sunday they netted another victim, poor Raff Vitale. Two years ago, our Raff was a virgin. OK, he might have indulged in a bit of cycling on the quiet now and then, but swimming was something he’d always strictly avoided. Then Catlow got to work on him and before you could say “Michael Phelps”, the unfortunate fellow was having lessons, learning the strokes (makes me shudder to think of it) and mastering all the pervy arts of the tri-star. On Sunday, he made his debut in the CHRIST’S HOSPITAL SPLASH & DASH TRIATHLON (super sprint), even having the nerve to post the following account of his obscene activities on his FB timeline. You will notice he claims it was an accident that he ended up wearing a pink swimming cap, but the suggestive remark at the end of his account tells a different story: “With a catalogue of errors in the chaos of preparing for my first Triathlon, I have to say my initiation test was just a tad satisfying (loved it). Not realising until it was all over that my suit was on back-to-front and being handed a pink swim cap, think it was a sign to enjoy this event in the comedy that unfolded. Swim went swimmingly, (and relax). Not that much!!! Must have taken an age to tie my laces up, as I found myself preparing for a Training Run. Hold on I have a Bike ride to do first! Get a move on Raff. When safely in the saddle, it dawned on me watching the Brownlee Brothers over and over on TV, that I should be walking the bike, maybe I just heard the shouts of Lorraine Bulbeck, GET OFF THE BIKE, YOUR IN TRANSITION After completing the first lap of the Bike, felt a sudden urge to turn back and check with marshals if I was going the right way! Ermm, yes, keep going! Transition 2: leant a fair bit from the first, very alert and no dramas on the Run and leg held firm. Thanks to the Tri-sisters, Emma Catlow, Colleen Conti and Helen Hels Varcoe for the support (could I be a new sibling?!) TIME: 1.03:44 - 300m Swim, 18K Bike, 3.2K Run.” Many congratulations to Raff, who fails to mention that he came 13th out of 68 finishers, and that his swim time (he really was a non-swimmer until two years ago) was as well above the average as his run and cycle efforts - clearly a Tri-Sister through-and-through. Also, a big round of applause for Jonny Catlow for his fine first triathlon performance the previous Sunday. He competed in the 9-10 year old class, with a 25m swim (3:45), a 600m cycle (10:12) and a 500m run (6:35), total 20:32, times including transitions. Emma, Colleen, Kath and Hels were competing in the Sprint category of the Splash and Dash (750m swim, 27k cycle, 5k run). Emma had what is perhaps best described as a technical mishap at the end of her swim, adding minutes to her time (12:27), but was 2nd fastest cyclist of the group (1:01:12) and the fastest runner (24:38), total 1:40:42. Next home was Kath (14:04, 56:48 - easily the fastest cyclist - 29:13, total 1:43:35), followed by Hels (11:56, 1:04:00, 26:58, total 1:48:32) and Colleen (13:36, 1:12:47, 30:39, total 2:01:34). Congratulations to all! Mark
Posted on: Tue, 01 Jul 2014 10:00:12 +0000