TRUE STORY: I got an email from a female social dancer who is 20-25, lives in Berlin. Shes unmarried but in a relationship although her boyfriend is with someone who is not involved in the dancing community. Shes a student. She wrote the following (Ive omitted some details): dear josue, i been reading your recent posts about some instructors points of views. but what about us the social dancers? i am sad this month. i did some counting. in the last 6 months, i have been to 7 congresses. bachaturo, warsaw salsa festival, silvester nights ... i have spent over €1500 on travel and hotels not including food. almost €400 more on full passes. this was my choice no one forced me. but i am not sad because of the money ... i am sad because i danced only 16 times at 7 congresses. there were some nights i didnt get asked to dance at all! ... my instructor teaches etiquette a lot ... he tells that the guy is supposed to ask the lady for dancing ... from my view, the performers and instructors are the ones who get asked to dance. the girls who want to show off are the ones who stand where the artists are and it is like their own stage on the social dance floor ... the easy girls who have dresses so short that they would earn money at a stripclub and they look like they will sleep with anything that looks like it has a penis are the ones who get asked or else they are the ones doing the asking! ... what am i doing wrong? my dresses are very short but i keep myself respectable. i sometimes show cleavage. i have been told that i am an intermediate. i attend may workshops. i shower regularly and keep regular hygiene. and i dont even tell how much i spent on dresses and shoes! i am not an instructor but i hope you will still give this subject your attention. can you help? I responded with this, Firstly, thank you for sharing with me your sentiments and allowing me to be a sounding-board for you. Thank you also for entrusting that my advice could in any way open doors for you. Of course, thank you for valuing that I may possibly help. Secondly, I am dearly sorry that you are experiencing what I call the Unaskable Syndrome - which is regrettably very common in the Mambo-Salsa community and is, in my opinion, one of the main reasons that the Kizomba & Bachata rooms at congresses & festivals are filled to the maximum (the other reason is because Bachata & Kizomba are no-stress, no pressure to look amazing or remember a million styling techniques or combinations). A few years ago, organizers could fit all the Kizomba & Bachata dancers in a small room but now, Kizomba dancers have their own dedicated room and Bachata dancers have THEIR own dedicated room AND EACH room is sometimes BIGGER than the Mambo-Salsa room. In-fact, at a recent festival, the Mambo room was the corridor while the Bachata & Kizomba was in the main room. The Unaskable Syndrome is so vividly distinct these days; go to the socials and festivals and just look at how many girls are standing and sitting song-after-song; their faces light up when any guy even walks in their direction but then their faces go back sad again when that guy has instead asked someone else. Before I get into the reasons, I perhaps should point out that eastern-Europe is different from western-Europe, and both are quite different from the US. If you think that the Unaskable Syndrome has anything to do with physical beauty - then allow me to stop you right there. In Lithuania, Romania, Croatia, Bulgaria, and even in Poland and Hungary - I have seen some friggin AMAZINGLY GORGEOUS ladies sitting song-after-song - unasked. Could it be that men are intimidated by their beauty - that men automatically assume the answer will be no if they ask - so - they dont ask? Could it be that men see other men epically fail when trying to hold conversations with these ladies? Could it be that these beautiful ladies are assumed to be dating one of the djs or instructors? Even so, this should not be a reason to not be asked; theyre not cattle or property. So, physical attractiveness may not be so high on the list since Ive seen some of the most beautiful ladies just not being asked. The culture here in eastern-Europe is different but yet down in southern-Europe like in Croatia - its different altogether. I see more ladies unasked in these eastern-European countries and my theory is that its because of the male-to-female ratio; there are simply far more women than men in the dance community - at least in this part of Europe - so its natural that because theres a shortage of men - there will be more ladies unasked. The US is quite different but can sometimes experience this, too. The Unaskable Syndrome doesnt mean that youre unaskable but it DOES mean that you FEEL unaskable - and with good reason - youre not being asked. It is impossible for me to diagnose the root cause of YOUR situation, however below I will outline some of the main causes of the Unaskable Syndrome from what female-dancers have shared with me - and from what I have observed over my professional career as an international instructor. I have asked about ten ladies via Facebook for responses and those are also included below: 01 .. You may be dressed too conservatively. Period. In my opinion, this is the #1 reason why ladies dont get asked. Its regrettably just the way it is. Does it mean that you have to wear a dress that conveniently allows your booty to pop out or your cleavage to be front-&-center? I dont know - perhaps another lady could answer that. 02 .. You might look unapproachable. In my opinion, this is the #2 reason why ladies dont get asked. Men are often hard on the outside and APPEAR to be tough but in all honesty - most men have very, very fragile egos. It takes ONE rejection at a social dance for a male social-dancer to not ask another lady for another hour or two or even the rest of the night (this excludes the men who walk around with their hand out from lady-to-lady not even looking in their eyes and not caring about who says no but instead looking only for the one who says yes - most men are NOT like this). 03 .. You may appear to lack confidence. Men are often competitive (as are women but in a different sense). Women often compete to try to beat out each other in the long-run although MEN often compete in this scene for the short-lived ego-pleasure trophy: the better-looking = ego-boost .. The more dances with the most-attractive = ego-boost .. Being ASKED to dance vs doing the ASKING = huge ego-boost .. Dancing with one of the artists - ego-boost. Women of course experience the exact same but the difference is that mens egos are short-lived; they get that ego and it lasts for minutes-after or even a few songs and theyll brag to their friends who SAW them dancing - but thats mostly as far as it goes. For WOMEN, the ego-boost lasts much longer and it tends to be more about EVIDENCE that theyre askable and accepted. Do you have any idea how many more WOMEN will ask their friends to record them dancing with one of the artists than MEN ask to be filmed dancing? It goes both ways BUT much, much higher numbers in the women asking to be filmed and having pics taken with their favorite stars; it has little to do with a short-lived ego-boost but instead much, much more to do with being valued and feeling attractive and feeling desired AND guess what - LOOKING DESIRABLE!! See? The lines are longer & the women take longer in the womens restrooms at congresses & festivals NOT only because theyre in front of that mirror - but because of the CONVERSATIONS!!!! And those conversations are often about their dresses and shoes and fixing bra-straps and make-up BECAUSE they want to look desirable NOT JUST that evening - but for the pics & videos that end up on Facebook because many women see those pics and videos as free & ESSENTIAL MARKETING to appear most-desirable and thus - stand on the side-lines less and less. Men are competitive and therefore they need that short-lived ego-boost. Regrettably, a lady who looks like shes nervous is inevitably sending the message: dont ask me because Im too nervous .. and this translates to men gravitating more towards the ones who they can brag about to themselves ;) 04 .. You may not be enjoyable to dance with OR you may APPEAR to not be an enjoyable dancer. Sad, but true. This means you might back-lead or be too stiff or simply not have enough coordination - you may not be following his lead .. and other men remember because theyve either danced with you or have seen you dance or have heard about you. 05 .. There may not be enough men because youre competing against women who are PRO-ACTIVE .. they dont WAIT to be asked but instead are go-getters .. theyre out there asking. So, in addition to there not being enough men - the men who ARE there are being asked before they have a chance to ask you. 06 .. Men cant appreciate you because THEY are too self-absorbed. Simple. This is not your fault. But, regrettably, perhaps YOU suffer because you MIGHT have such elegance and sophistication in your CHARACTER but regrettably men are unable to see this because they dont want to put up much of a fight for a dance - but thats thei interpretation because in reality - you may be absolutely willing & able. Men and women have their own struggles; some shared, some exclusive. See? Most men dont understand one of the basic principles of how women think: men need to learn to listen to what a woman MEANS and NOT to what she says. Most men fail at this and because of this - they fail to read you. I am working on a project that will detail Dance Etiquette because surprisingly, just like musicality is an area that needs attention, dance etiquette is an area where some just fall short. Other ladies have contributed with the following reasons: 07 .. Poor hygiene - underarms smell, dress smells, bad breathe 08 .. Too stiff 09 .. Too nervous 10 .. Youre stuck-up 11 .. You say no too often (youre too selective) 12 .. You dont smile when you dance 13 .. You back-lead 14 .. You have a bad reputation 15 .. You step on shoes & kick 16 .. You complain
Posted on: Fri, 17 Jan 2014 12:14:16 +0000
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