Tears. Profound sorrow and loss. I struggle to comprehend the finality of my Dads passing and am deeply saddened by the deep hole his death has left in my heart and family. I prayed that this day would stay away. There have been several times, our prayers for more days, months and years with Dad were answered, and we are thankful for those extra years! But this time, we had to say good-bye! I was there in the hospital room as I watched him fight to stay...He wanted to be here. He fought. He was here! The mere use of the words was here bring tears to my heart. The realization that what was is no more is heart wrenching. Everything changes. :( For three days I have cried since his death. I did not expect such hurt, confusion and sadness. Sometimes, externally, the tears are seen... Always, internally, they are soaking my heart and watering the memories of the past. I have heard the sentiments and have said them myself... He is in a better place... He wont suffer anymore... We will see him again in Heaven... God needed another angel... Those things will bring me grace and hope in days to come, I know. But tonight, I still need my Dad here with me. God could wait, couldnt he? (Excuse me while I wipe away these tears)... I still needed him. My wife and kids still needed him. My sister and her family needed him. My precious mother needed him. I am hurt and angry and broken. I can look at these pictures and reflect on his life and celebrate who Glenn Schroeder was to me and our family. I do find happiness in knowing how special he was, how much he loved his family and was a good, gentle and loving man. I am thankful for his life! I struggle deeply not so much for what was, but rather what will never be because of his passing. The list could go on and on, but I understand now the statement, You never really get over it! How could you? Everything around me reminds me of him. I see his shoes as I walk through his house tonight and realize that he will never fill those again. I open his closet and realize that his 64 frame will never wear those clothes again. I kiss my children and realize that he will not be able to do the same. I hug my mom and cry for her that she has lost the love of her life. Last year, Dana and I bought the house and 10 acres that Dad and Mom built their home on about 15 years ago. This place, this land, this pond -- all of it screams at me right now. We bought it because more than anything else we wanted Dad and Mom to still be able to enjoy the land, even though they had downsized. I wanted to sit on the porch with Dad and watch the sunset across the field. I wanted him to sit by the pond and fish with Caleb and I and just talk. I wanted it to be a place of joy and family and life. I wanted... But it doesnt really matter what I wanted, does it? I HATE death! Right now, I cannot find HOPE. But I know it, so I must declare it! Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God! Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” I feel the strong sting of death! But know that there is no victory in death eternally! We will see Dad again and for that I thank God and have hope! But, let me say it clearly - this really, really sucks and hurts very deeply. Thank you for your prayers and support as our family continues to walk this journey together.
Posted on: Fri, 19 Sep 2014 23:25:35 +0000
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