Thank You each and every one.... Youve helped make my last year on here feel like home.. Living away from family and loved ones has its mixed emotions.. I knew it was time for me to reevaluate my life and decide on whether to continue living in the past...the youth with all its ups and downs...the failures, the successes, the missed opportunities and the blessings of opportunities that landed at my feet. Ive loved and Ive lost.. had beautiful children that sometimes had me pulling my hair out, or wanting to pull theirs out... Ive enjoyed grandchildren and spoiled them, watched them growing/grown..and now they barely know I exist; yet..love is unconditional isnt it! Friends have come and gone; and the true ones may not always be within a fast grasp; but they remain true nonetheless.. They say blood is thicker than water; and perhaps thats true; but sometimes water just tends to reach its level without needing to be too thick.. as long as its pure and fresh; and Ive been blessed to have friends whose blood is not thick but their love and support makes them close enough to be family.. Ive met new family and friends on FB and found relatives that I didnt know I had..while Ive renewed contact with relatives from long ago...and the results are so sweet! This Thanksgiving I forced myself to be true to me... to realize that Ive lived a full life; and I am thankful for all the blessings that have been gifted me along the years; Im thankful for my health and the fact that I refuse to be too sick..even when Im laying in fever with chills shaking me at the root.. Ive learned to be alone and know that as lonely as it can be; I have accomplished so much... Ive also learned that after a lifetime of trying to please, of searching for approval; of achieving beyond expectations; and reaching over and over for love from family and others...that we cannot make people love us.. We have to just love ourselves. I think I have been a good mother; a better wife; and a passable friend.. I have also failed many along this journey... sometimes Ive been too stubborn; wanted to live outside the box... felt that I could do everything on my own.. believed that I didnt need anyone or anything... if I couldnt earn it or do it myself; then I would never ask or take.. Sure, those traits can make you stronger; or they can leave you empty and foolish. Overall, I believe with all the ups and downs there has been balance.. I dance til I drop... and I dont shop til I drop anymore; I laugh til my sides split; and shove the tears and heartaches deeper inside...they almost dont come to surface anymore... people always ask me to go or do things with them; so Im not a wallflower; yet I prefer being a hermit most of the time... Its not that Ive given up; its just that Im finally comfortable with who I am... just me.. and its no longer so important to please or make everyone else happy or please them... You know...Ive had some encounter with suicide issues recently...and seen the pain and sorrow that evolves from such an act.. Ive heard many say...If I had only known...I would have, could have, should have... and I want to vomit!!! These words are so hollow and meaningless most of the time... because if people truly cared...they would have been better friends, family.... but people think that when someone is depressed or lonely or needing...that it could cost them...it could cost time, and Heaven forbid money... like they may have to miss one meal or not buy some outfit... and that speaks of their character doesnt it? I see so many with a bible in one hand and scripture spewing from their lips while they are hypocrites, judging, selfish, and uncaring... all with smiles on their angelic faces.. Ive read the suicide notes; the pain and lonliness; the emptiness that others feel..and Ive also been realistic enough to compare myself to them too.. I know and can even be honest enough to admit to feeling that way over the years; yet... I think many of us can relate... yet we would never take our life; because we are stronger; more determined; or maybe our faith just remains so embedded that we would not cross that line.. we love our family and friends too much to burden them with our selfish actions... and yet I smile.. it took guts for one friend to put the gun to his mouth and pull the trigger... it took guts for another to stab himself repeatedly til he ruined his insides and bled out; it took guts to remove herself from those she loved and knew they didnt care enough to check on her... it took guts.... but... it also takes guts to be stronger... to hang in and to try try try over and over... even if failure awaits...because one day... you will smile again...and be thankful that you turned the darkness into light... You are loved, and even when you dont feel loved... remember.. OUR HEAVENLY FATHER LOVES YOU UNCONDITIONALLY.... so.. wow.. thats the frosting on the cake! Happy Thanksgiving!
Posted on: Fri, 29 Nov 2013 22:33:05 +0000
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