Thank you to each and everyone of you that is praying for my family right now. On Thursday, the world lost an amazing woman that had such a heart for loving people that I can only hope to emulate; a woman that I simply call mom. The pain that I am going through makes me understand Psalm 23 so much better than I ever could before. I understand the makes me part too, for I dont want to lie down in any green pastures right now. I want to travel in the millions of memories that I have of her, which also are the source of unspeakable pain. I certainly dont want to be comforted, for that pulls me from realness of the memories, the thing I only can see that remain of my mom. In time, I know things will heal. However, I fight God when He wants to lead me to still waters. I want to remain in the rawness of my emotions where I can feel Mom and the reality of her no longer with us here toggling back and forth in my mind. I dont like what happened and Im so very angry. I trust God, but the anger still comes. Life appears to be spinning in a thousand directions right now and only on paper can I freeze-frame them for a moment to even know them. This is my storm. I dont want to praise God right now, for I know He is in control and my reasoning lets me know that He was the one that allowed her be gone from our lives here on Earth. He took away so very much from us and Im not happy about it. It is only in those few moments when I choose to still praise Him that I can step back, out of the storm and see the reality that is outside of the this storm that is raging around me. In the storm, life is full of pain and outside of it, it is still. The problem is...stillness isnt where my memories are, the only thing that I still know I have of her. I have a great desire to feel again that rawness of the pain...as if a million jagged shards of glass are scraping past your skin. But I also want to have peace. Armor. I can enter back into the storm safely with it on, knowing that God loves us and would never do anything that go against that love. The armor keeps me from feeling things as deeply, yes. I for some reason feel safety in feeling those shards all around me, but I know staying trapped by them wont allow me to see outside of the storm. I find myself trying to ask myself which is best...the stillness or the pain? God says that stillness and quiet waters are where I should be. I want to go back to where I am familiar, even though there is a storm raging there. This is where my heart & mind currently stand. The words of encouragement and the prayers that you offer unto the Throne are so very needed. They can literally be the tool that is used to pick me up and place me outside of the storm at the most painful of moments. Ultimately, I know it is my Heavenly Father leading me through this time and there I find comfort, for I trust Him to walk me through this valley. I pray that He can use this most difficult time of my life to help another person going through a storm. Those that have walked in similar places, know exactly what I am feeling and can have the benefit of seeing their storm from a distance in their past, after some wounds have been healed. My now, my reality is this storm and I choose to walk through, with Jesus yoked right with me. When I have fallen, He has picked me up. So if you see strength from your vantage point, know it is Him helping me move forward, it is Him holding me up when I am standing. I have chosen to let Him help me. This is my story for now, my journey. So many have traveled this way before and so many will travel through a valley in their future. I choose to have help and some others may not. There are some that are in a storm like mine, other family that feel this pain just like I am. And others in a completely different kind of storm. Will you pray for them? They need those moments of healing just like I have received. Lastly (for now), the woman that my mom is in my heart & was here on Earth was so very instrumental in creating a foundation that allows me to love people so deeply. She was one that gave of herself so freely and thought very little of her own needs and wants. I pray that I do well with the legacy that she leaves me...and Joellyn. I pray that it can seen by others as a way to live life abundantly and still stop my wants and desires at moments to be an encouragement to others. I trust God will show me the way and use what I have in me to take His hand. It is not going to be easy to get through this storm; I know this. However, I will. Well, actually, we will. This is a song that is so very personal to me right now...and may help other through the storm. Thank you Sacred Dance Institute for sharing it with me. m.youtube/watch?v=-8mZpGj29qw
Posted on: Sat, 29 Mar 2014 14:37:05 +0000
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