That day is haunting me, so much to take in so little time to process it all. Still to this day Im trying to put that day back together. Trying to figure out how so much went so wrong in a mere hour... How i had seen both of my babies moving in that ultra sound, to one being gone, and the other in so much danger. In my mind my life stopped but physically I had to force myself to be ok for the surviving baby. Then getting to Vanderbilt and them finding both heartbeats, watching everything as i was swarmed with what seemed like 20 doctors with a million questions. After that all i remember is waiting... watching Austins face as surgery went on, then seeing a nurse come to his side with what i thought was a living twin, then i heard the nurse im sorry we tried all we could those words replay in my head over and over. I remember Austin saying he looks like a Brayden, We held that sweet baby for a long time, not knowing anything about Jett besides he was critical. The extent of Jetts condition was almost unbearable. His chances of making it through the birth..50%.. chances of making it through the night 50%... his odds werent good, Hydrops, a stroke causing a Grade 4 IVH, going septic, on top of the prematurity, they told me they really didnt expect him to make it at first. I didnt get to see the sweet baby till the next day... didnt get to hold him for a month after he was born, not getting to feed him till he was 2 months old, going home a hour away without him, and watching all the tubes and i.v.s being in this tiny little 3lb 4oz baby... was one of the worst feelings ever. Then the news about his IVH devastated us, doctors not being able to tell us exactly what will happen but giving us all the possible outcomes, not walking, cerebral plasy, just not developing into a child. All the parts of his brain that got affected.. i was very heartbreaking and left us so afraid with no answers just ideas. Then the funeral ,planning it, Thank god for my dad or i wouldnt have been able to do it. The actual service was depressing and relieving all at the same time. Thinking about how that precious little baby will never know what it feels like to be outside, never get to play in the snow or swim all the things that make life worth living. The worst part was looking around at all the support from family and friends. It hurts that Brayden will never know his mommy,daddy,sister, gaga Vhonda Crouch Jernigan, papa Steve Jernigan, papa Jerry Bell, Rosa Ingram Brewer, Bill Brewer, Unlce Cory Brewer, Aunt Candace Davis, papa Ken Kehrer, nanny Elizabeth Kehrer, Mema, and aunt Debbie Crouch Vaughn and all the rest of his loving beautiful family. In a way i believe that i had it easier, that i had his indentical twin brother to watch grow up, but then again ill never know how Brayden would have been...I never got a for sure answer as to what happened, what caused it all, just possiblites.. TTTS, Braydens fluid drying up, Stroke from placenta taring, the list goes on. I just feel like i needed to share this experince, people need to hold their babies tight and love them. Life is to short to be angry or negative. R.I.P. My sweet Brayden....
Posted on: Thu, 17 Jul 2014 17:11:25 +0000
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