That initial rush fades and the need to deepen or move on becomes stronger. Whether you deepen into intímacy or move to the next rush has a lot to do with your comfort with íntimacy, séxual history, and your beliefs about relationships. Usually the initial attraction between any couple is séxual. The heat of discovery and newness can keep a couple’s séx life very active for some time. As time passes the séxual relationship changes and hopefully matures. That initial rush fades and the need to deepen or move on becomes stronger. Whether you deepen into íntimacy or move to the next rush has a lot to do with your comfort with íntimacy, séxual history, and your beliefs about relationships. Certainly, in the vast majority of relationships the frequency of séxual play decreases as the length of the relationship increases. It is a natural progression of aging, changing of priorities and having less time. But what happens in a relationship that the séx stops all together? Why does this happen? Are there others in séxless marriages? What can be done about it? In my experience, I have found séxless marriages to be all too common. The marital béd becomes a cold, passionless hiding place, signifying what is missing in the relationship rather than being the deepest expression of love and íntimacy. Regardless of the séxual orientation of the couple, béd death can and does happen. Intímacy is the big bad word here. Once the rush is gone, you have to discover who you are in béd with. Your partner is not a fantasy, but a person, with needs, wants, desires and their own opinions, and séx drive. Once the projection passes (projection is seeing someone as you want or need to see them rather than experiencing them as who they really are) you are in béd with a person, not just a body. Once a partner has ceased being a distraction they become a mirror for seeing ones self. Do you like your partner? Have you taken the time to find out who they really are? Many women and gay men complain that they feel like a “hole that his/her partner cums in”. Their needs and wants are irrelevant. In short they are objectified. Consequently, the partner begins to withhold séx. It is used both as a weapon and a punishment. There are usually reasons on both sides for a séxless marriage to evolve. What follows is a brief discussion of some of the issues that can lead to BED DEATH. Withholding séx, consciously or unconsciously is often a sign of a power imbalance in the relationship. The partner with less money, or with less control in whatever form who feels that their value is tied to séxual output, will use séx to assert themselves. It may be the only way that they can say no or get attention. If it is unconscious, then they may simply lose their desire for séx, or get sick. Men may not be able to get or sustain an erection. Babies are frequently a séx life killer. Too tired! Not enough time! You are starting to feel too much like your parents (and they certainly never had séx). These are all great reasons, however, remember each other. Babies need an incredible amount attention, certainly everything that you can give them, but you must make the effort to create time for just the two of you, even if it is just to hold each other or exchange massages. Staying connected through touch and remembering that you are a couple who still need séx and each other is important. Anger is another great way to kill séx in a relationship. If the hurts and misunderstandings are not being addressed in some manner, they will show up in your séx life. Séx, at its most basic, is a form of communication. However, it can not be the only one or the relationship and your séx life will not work and neither partner will be satisfied. If your partner has been séxually abused, this can create major problems in the relationship. After the initial rush of the relationship, suddenly, things may be too hot, to much intímacy. This may spell danger. Séx may bring up anxiety, terror, depression or dissociation. If your partner had mentioned a séx abuse history and you are noticing problems around séx, support them in seeing a therapist. Therapy is not a quick fix. However, it can help heal the wounds. Depending upon what abuse happened and when, the partner may never completely recover. I will cover séxual abuse in future articles in greater depth. This is a major problem and one that you can not fix for them no matter how much you love them or how safe you are. One of the most common reasons that I have seen lead to less or no séx is fear of rejection. The longer that you are with someone and the deeper you depend upon them the greater the ability to hurt and be hurt. For most people opening themselves in a very intimate way, while éxciting can also bring up anxiety, fear and be unable to deal with the venerability that emerges. It is common to want your partner to know what you need when you need it without you having to say what that is. Nice fantasy, that is not the way that it works. So expressing séxual interest in the other opens us to possible rejection of the most subtle and unconscious kind. Two people, both fearful of rejection, may never get to séx because the possible rejection is too painful to risk. Many people, both men and women, have never bothered to learn about séx. Good lasting séx with a long term partner requires patience, exploration and risk taking. If one or both partners are too shy, embarrassed or immature to talk about séx, this can lead to Béd Death. Like most things in life, communication is the key to a happy, long lasting séx life and relationship. Buy a book, perhaps the Joy of Séx, it is a good start. Read it together. It is a great conversation starter. Who knows where it will lead? The bottom line is that a séxless marriage may be a symptom of many things. The longer the relationship the more effort that a couple has to take to make sure they are staying séxually alive. It may be a cliche, but its true: If you don’t use it you lose it. If you keep the fire alive there can be great rewards of íntimacy available to you and your relationship. Let your séxual intímacy die and while the love may remain the passion will move on.
Posted on: Mon, 17 Jun 2013 04:51:09 +0000
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