That was the beginning of a cycle of highs and lows, impossible hopes and dashed dreams. Over the next few years, we would find ourselves hoping against hope that this property or that was finally the one, only to be told NO. My best girlfriends mother decided to sell their family home. I had practically grown up there - it had to be the one! NO. A piece of property came for sale right down the road from my folks (where there is very little privately-held land - and it never goes up for sale) - that was the perfect piece! NO. Again and again and again, our dreams evaporated. I would like to say that I took all of this gracefully, with perfect peace and contentment, but the truth is that I raged inside. I cried and I questioned and I felt abandoned by God. I kept thinking that if I just did all of the right things, if I tried harder, that everything would fall into place. It seemed, however, that the harder I tried to make things happen, the more resounding the NO became. I felt trapped. My best efforts where for naught. Our circumstances were less than desirable, but we couldnt seem to change them. We couldnt sell, we couldnt move, we couldnt even change our current living arrangements without going into untenable debt. I have to admit it - I was angry with God. I had watched Him bless many of our friends abundantly, extravagantly - yet His constant answer to our family was NO. No, you cant sell. No, you cant move. No, you cant live in a house. No, you cant enjoy the ease and comfort of a normal life - even for a little while. No, Sir Knight cant get a job that is easier on his body. No, no, no! And the worst part? I hated my lack of faith. I hated the fact that I questioned God. In my head I knew of His faithfulness, His goodness. In my head I knew that His plan for our family was perfect. I just couldnt see the forest through the trees and I hated my lack of vision. I was broken. So, what did I do? I hit my knees and cried out to my Lord. I told Him of my anger. I poured out my soul. I asked for His forgiveness for my lack of faith. I begged Him to sustain me through the valley of unbelief. I prayed to desire His will alone and to live my life according to the will of my Father. I practiced contentment, reminding myself of His many blessings on a daily, even hourly basis. I sought to understand the very character of God. I am so thankful that God loved me enough to tell me NO. Through the years of disappointments and struggles, God has drawn me closer to Him. He has shown me the depths of His love and the reservoirs of His grace. He has taught me that we cant earn His favor, yet He delights in giving good gifts to His children, even when they dont deserve them. He has taught me that His best work is often done under the shadow of grief and that hope is renewed every morning. He has taught me that when I am at the end of my human strength, He will uphold me with His mighty right hand. He has given me eyes to see and ears to hear - and that alone is worth every disappointment and every hour of suffering.
Posted on: Thu, 27 Mar 2014 11:44:52 +0000
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