The 2014 Festivus Airing of Grievances Project Day 20, the FINAL post: 1. Mall Aisle Vendors: These are the vagabonds that work in carts or pop-up structures that occupy the middle aisle of your local mall, selling God-knows-what. Often foreigners, they have innate ability to catch your eye from 10 clicks away and subliminally lure you into their lair. (“Shit, I think I just floated over here like Wimpy smelling a hamburger!”) They are always holding a neck pillow or petting some sort of potpourri snake…I don’t f’ing know what they’re holding because I’m always too afraid to look directly at their wares. “Ch-hello sir! Vood you like to feel…?” [cutting them off] “No! I’m good, thanks!” as I try desperately to break the hold of their gypsy tractor beam. I believe the really good mall aisle vendors graduate to be barkers in front of the strip clubs on Broadway who force you to enter, night after night, and make you spend lots and lots of money against your will. The strip club barkers are a menace and there really ought to be a law. 2. I’m not one who should be giving relationship advice but if “Every Kiss Begins with Kay (jewelers) then maybe she’s not that into you. 3. Shopping Malls: I don’t know what it is about shopping malls but it’s obvious they were designed to drain the energy out of men and energize women. You see it in every mall: Women zipping from store to store at ever-increasing speeds and their male counterparts start lagging behind, arms reaching out to their former partners, clutching nothing but air as they yell “Go on (cough)…go on without me…(cough, cough)” before they peel off to the electronics department of some store. I think malls ARE “The Matrix” where men are just oblivious batteries meandering around aimlessly, growing weaker with every step, as their energy is transferred in vast, invisible arcs to their wives/girlfriends. Some brave men enter The Mall Matrix with a purpose - Get in, Get what you need, Get out fast…like Morpheus - as The Agents (cologne sample peddlers, people taking dopey surveys and mall aisle vendors) desperately try to keep them from escaping. “When you see a mall aisle vendor, you do what we do. Run. You run your ass off.” Each day up to and including Festivus Eve, Dec 22, I’ve posted three things that bug the living shit out of me, no matter how silly or small. For past festivus lists and other nonsense visit: alonewithmythought/
Posted on: Mon, 22 Dec 2014 15:45:33 +0000
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