The Aamir Liaquat Paradox by Shehzad Ghias Shaikh More reclusive than the South American Chupacabra and only slightly better looking, there is a man called Aamir Liaquat. He miraculously appears in our mass consciousness in the month of Ramazan as if he hides in a lair for 11 months devising up new gimmicks to keep us entertained in the holy month of Ramazan. In a land of no hope, providing entertainment is no less than a Jehad and our most potent warrior is Aamir Liaquat. In the month of Ramazan, Aamir Liaquat has more power than both Zardari, Nawaz Sharif and Chuck Norris combined. Gallup Pakistan reckons if elections were conducted right now, Aamir Liaquat would win 77% of the majority vote. I hope he contests under Geo’s name so that for once the channel can be truthful about affecting election results. Due to his mass popularity, there has been a smear campaign against him. I would have blamed Geo for the ensuing mess after a video was “accidentally leaked” but since he has rejoined Geo, I am sure Mubashir Luqman and ARY had something to do with it. The video was obviously doctored; engineered in the same labs that the Americans use to add brain altering substances to polio vaccinations. The kind that makes young girls want to go to school. I find it odd that people arguing for their right to education are mostly old folk. As a youngster, I remember I never wanted to go to school so obviously there must be something wrong with these children. I admit, the video does look “real” but then again if they could fake the moon landing, making it seem like Aamir Liaquat has forgotten the lead actor’s name in an obscure Bollywood movie based on a little known South Asian Poet must have been a piece of cake. Even the idea that that would happen is ridiculous; Aamir Liaquat never forgets. Let’s just blame the video on RAW and get it over it. Looking at all his philanthropic work, I would not be surprised if Aamir Liaquat is actually Oprah in disguise (or J.K. Rowling, isn’t everybody actually J.K. Rowling these days? I have heard rumours that J.K. Rowling actually wrote Malala’s diary too). The man is on a modest salary of a miserly 8 crores a month, barely above the national average wage but he goes out of his way in Ramazan to give away free gifts on his show. The man is like Santa Clause, he knows who has been naughty and who has been nice, he gives away free gifts and you would not be surprised if he breaks into your house. For the participants, it is like Christmas for 30 days a week. Obviously, there are no stockings involved. In fact, he is much better than Santa Clause since he is able to magically infiltrate into all our households through the power of television. A desi Santa Clause would never be allowed to enter the house of a na-mehram woman to give her gifts. Also, Santa Clause would never give somebody the gift of childbirth (not the natural away). Adoption agencies take ages to find perfect homes for babies because they do not possess the magical powers of Aamir Liaquat to pick two random people from his show, who just happen to be the perfect parents in need of a baby the most. Aamir Liaquat knows your deepest desires. Even if the parents are less than perfect, it cannot be worse than being left in a dumpster to die? It cannot be right? I have not known a fate worse than death in Pakistan. There are rumours that the babies beggars use to cajole money are drugged to ensure they are always asleep but in the words of Zaid Hamid, that is probably a Jewish Conspiracy to make it seem like every baby in Pakistan is drugged, (even though that would make for an amazing Pakistan and an immediate reinstatement of the hippie trail). I have just been told that Aamir Liaquat actually does not buy the gifts from his own salary but in fact receives money from corporations “sponsoring” the free iftar for the right to be placed on the Geo Iftar dastarkhawan. I always feel like cooking my own iftar in Meezan everytime I see Aamir Liaquat endorsing it so the tactic obviously works. Next time, I want to do good for the society, I will make sure I pay Geo millions of dollars first to cover it rather than using that money to do more good. I might even send a few million making a set with live animals on them. Oh, look, a peacock..oh wait that’s just Aamir Liaquat’s new Kurta. The Aamir Liaquat haters, or as I like to call them ‘disbelievers’, I am not saying that everybody who hates Aamir Liaquat deserves to be killed but they do deserve to die. There is a difference albeit a slight one. The PTI Voting-Burger eating-Bridge kay us par living-Star World watching-Pakistan hating brigade was out in huge numbers on social media yesterday with their hashtags and hash. John W. Henry, owner of Liverpool Football club, actually tweeted asking “What are they smoking in Pakistan?” Their bone of contention was Aamir Liaquat ridiculing Tahir Shah on his Ramazan transmission. If PTI can have concerts at their rallies, why can’t Aamir Liaquat have a live concert on his Islamic Ramazan special? He has already mastered the art of the Islamic musical after breaking into a song and dance at every given opportunity, wonderfully aided by a backing vocalist and an ensemble cast. There have been very few magical moments in the recent history of Pakistani television but I am sure years from today, people will be asking themselves, where were we when Aamir Liaquat stroked Abida Parveen Tahir Shah’s hair live on TV? I cannot think of a better bromance than one between Aamir LIaquat and Tahir Shah to the tune of Eye to Eye (this is not just good, this is Xart worthy). The only awkward part was the little child, whose face was first forcefully pushed into Tahir Shah’s eyeline by Aamir Liaquat initially then forgotten about as she made her way towards a live snake while Aamir Liaquat focused on hugging Tahir Shah. The little girl was in no danger ofcourse as Nagini (the snake) was sedated by parseltongue the song EyetoEye according to Aamir Liaquat. Aamir Liaquat even graciously asked Tahir Shah if he wanted to stroke his snake before the transmission ended and millions of people killed themselves to save themselves from years of having to live with that mental image. What is the point of having your own TV show, if you cannot even call somebody and make fun of that person in front of millions of people? That is precisely how Waqar Zaka makes his living, I have been told Waqar Zaka plans to hold the next Living on the edge at the next Special Olympics with Aamir Liaquat asking paraplegic runners, what made them think they could run and racing them while sitting on his snake screaming “Kaisa Diya?” Aamir Liaquat is not a man, Aamir Liaquat is an enigma and he cannot get away with all of this because he does it in the name of religion. As we know, in order to get away with the worst crimes in Pakistan, you just have to claim you are doing them for the greater good of our country and our religion. Since Aamir Liaquat has invoked religion ergo your argument about ridiculing a seemingly respectable man live on TV for millions to watch and laugh at being wrong is void. Death to the Facebook users infidels. Taher Shah Taher Shah Aamir Liaquat Umer Farooqi Roznama Jawani The Rants of a Pakistani Citizen Usama Aslam
Posted on: Fri, 26 Jul 2013 16:11:22 +0000