The Art of Acting a Maiden Predator By the tickler, Son of the unquenched In my village where I come from, wonders come in different magnitudes. However, these wonders are usual happenings among my villagers but unusual among foreigners like you thus becoming wonders for you. I happen to be an original brand of my village because my father the unquenched and my mother mama produced and grew me in the village. Although I am an original and not a foreigner, I must say that I find most of these ‘usual things’ as wonders. This could probably be the fact that I schooled to the highest level of education known to the same villager being standard eight in primary education. That in itself is a wonder. Being a standard eight graduate makes you different from the rest since most villagers are standard five graduates. However, being different in that sense, never makes you equally different when it comes to preying on village maidens and paying bride price to their fathers as a return on their investment. A man, who owns a maiden in my village, happens to possess the greatest asset known to him. This is because upon this maiden graduating in standard five at most, her father is bound to receive a high price when he decides to sell her to a man he deems fit and wealthy. The wealth of a would-be buyer is translated by the number of domesticated animals he or his father has, number of structures standing in his compound or the weight of his wallet. Domesticated animals are meant to be cattle, goats, and sheep including pigs but excluding rats, mice, cats and dogs. Structures on the other hand are supposed to be the number of huts and granaries in his compound. I must say that the preferred granaries should contain something edible in them and in huge quantities for that matter. It is obvious therefore that, fitness of a would-be buyer is determined by what is at your disposal in a materiality sense. The owner of the merchandise does not care whether the man in question happens to be a tank of beer or whether he possesses a diverse collection of women in different sizes and shapes. The important thing is for the seller to receive his due in form of dowry and for the buyer to package his merchandise and add to his diverse collection. Considering what is at stake, maidens in my village happen to be heavily guarded and messing with someone’s asset could land you in trouble to never forget. It is also a taboo to be seen talking to any of these maidens in broad daylight if you happen to be a man who is in no coalition. By no coalition I mean, a man who is a bachelor having not been able to capture the heart of any maiden and eventually converting her into a wife upon payment of the monster called dowry thus a coalition being formed. Being seen by any of the owners of a maiden could convert you into a cripple or a European instantly. The father of a maiden is likely to make you a cripple by breaking your legs using his walking stick if you are lucky to escape a blunt machete. The mother of the so called precious maiden is likely to convert you into a European or a blond by pouring boiling water on your entire body if by any chance you miss the acid. The fear of a maiden’s mother is the possibility of her husband’s asset being infested by a dangerous worm that causes stomach protrusion after suffering consecutive morning sicknesses and eventually producing an unknown product that may lead to the asset depreciating in value. In a simpler language, I mean a maiden becoming pregnant and delivering an illegitimate child. Upon occurrence of this event, the maiden’s mother risks being severely dented and losing members of her dental formula if not the entire consignment. She also risks being returned to her father’s home for failure to teach her daughter manners. To mitigate upon these risks, she is bound to be the angriest porcupine of a bodyguard around the maiden known by potential worm carriers in the village. Possessing the status of a bachelor longer than the perceived period happens to be a bad image for the community. This is why there is the need of being man enough to face the risk of becoming a cripple or turning onto a European and eventually succeed in forming a grand coalition sooner rather than later. This is what led to the adoption of the art of preying on potential wives to be, by the village men. I am not an exception. Being over eighteen and more than old to form a coalition, adoption of this art became necessary. In order to capture the heart of this potential wife, I decided to adopt the art, acting a maiden predator stalking my desired prey. Let me shed some light on what it means by adopting this art. First of all, this art is supposed to be initiated in deep darkness. The only time darkness is available at your favor is definitely at night. Deep in the night means not before midnight. At midnight, not only is there deep darkness but also the time when the owners of the maiden happen to be in deep sleep creating rhythmic snoring pattern. A preview of your prey’s compound and intensive investigation of the events that happen after midnight is important. Before initiating a successful hunt, it has to be noted where the owners of the maiden sleep and where the maiden sleeps including marking of their respective rooms lest you knock on the wrong one during the hunt. Acting a maiden predator also means risking being eaten by other predators along the way with a motive of depriving you of your wallet. It also means colliding with other predators on the hunt and a fight ensuing amongst yourselves leaving you wounded severely. If you thought it is a simple act, think again. It’s a daunting task. After conducting intensive undercover investigations on my potential prey’s compound, I decided it was time to strike. To camouflage myself, I donned in black from head to toe and covered my body with the darkest jacket unknown by other potential predators. I applied an aspect of intelligence by avoiding the main route and taking a more unpopular route across the bushes. Withstanding the midnight breeze, several cries of dangerous wolves and several head butts against trees, I walked stealthily into the would-be wife’s compound. Tip toeing around the targeted structure I took cover beside her window ready to knock and seek permission of admission into her room through the same window. The preferred prey must be cooperative and not to scream landing you into the jaws of a lion. I went ahead and knocked on the window. After several soft knocks, the maiden responded in a cooperative manner and opened the window ready to admit me. I was so relieved and ready to drop my rhymes and hopefully some action. As it has always been said never get your hopes too high by counting your chicks before they hatch, the unprecedented happened. With my body halfway through the window, the maiden’s mother happened to have been prompted to wake up by a short call of nature and it was by the sound of a slammed door that equally prompted me to jump back and take cover on the nearby arrowroot plantation. The maiden was also snappy to lock the window and act asleep. I don’t know about your village, but in mine, short calls are relived in the nearby bushes. They could be bushes of anything but worse of, bushes made of arrowroots harboring a predator. This is where my intelligence failed me. I was hiding in an arrowroots plantation nearby that was supposed to be the suitable site for the maiden’s mother to relieve herself due to their convenience. It was at this point that I realized I was in trouble and about to be rained on by salty semi-acidic water. Any slight movement made would amount to me becoming a blond cum European or even crippled if the woman in question woke her husband from his sleep. The liquid must have been overqualified to be semi-acidic but rather acidic. That is what prompted me to scratch my whole body as result of irritation from the acid. It was on the process of scratching my skin that I scratched on skin that did not belong to me. I scratched her leg!! This meant that she had to jump and sound an alarm by screaming at the top of her voice requiring the whole neighborhood to come to her aid to capture the manner less intruder. I had to beat the bush literally and rescue myself from an angry mother backed by the entire neighborhood. At this time the direction to where my home was did not matter. What mattered was how fast I could run, far away from the surging mob. I thank mama for feeding me with enough carrots to enable me become a nocturnal and see into darkness as if it were semi-daylight. This gave me an advantage over the mob and outran it. I joined from behind by circumnavigating around them with a common goal of catching a now; nonexistent fugitive. Obviously the chase yielded no fruits because I was among the mob! After sometime, to my disappointment, I learnt that I was not the only predator preying on this particular maiden. It was clear that the maiden was infested by the deadly worm that causes stomach protrusion after several morning sicknesses. Rumors circulated and spread like wild fire that I was among the potential worm carriers that could have infested her. This made me keep house away from suspecting non predators. The maiden had to rise and clear the air by naming one particular predator responsible for the infestation. She named one familiar predator that I was convinced was responsible. However, the maiden’s parents were not convinced until the product was delivered. It bore the stamp of the named predator unlikely to be mistaken. The air was cleared eventually. At the moment, I have quit the game of; predator stalking prey at midnight and adopted a more civilized style of; predator co-existing with prey. I have not been able to form a grand coalition yet but I already know who is to be my prime minister-ess. I am also thinking of suing the maiden owners for defaming me alleging that I was a senior suspect for the maiden’s pregnancy. I am bound to win and receive compensation if you are not to be a prime witness. I told you that wonders never seize!! (Dedicated to all African village communities out there struggling to raise responsible children amidst a barrage of challenges) Compiled by the tickler Son of ‘the unquenched’ Kevin Murungi murungikevin@yahoo ©Rights Reserved
Posted on: Sun, 01 Dec 2013 09:33:10 +0000
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