The Depression Creature I have fought with depression for many years. It is like a dark creature waiting just ahead in the dimly lit hallway that is life. It sits there hiding in the darkness yet you can see its shadow. You have been there before and you know how absolutely devoid of hope that place is up ahead. So, you do what the medical professional say and you do not contribute to negative behaviors that will lead you towards that shadow of fear and hopelessness. The problem is that it is always right there, waiting. It waits for you to stumble or to misstep and when you do, as we all do, it pounces out and consumes you like a silent predator. The darkness that was in that shadow now is inside you. You can not breath nor actually do you wish to. Your world goes from large and lofty to the dark room and bed that is now your orbit. You push everyone away because your pain is so large that you are afraid you will hurt them. In essence, everything that you thought was colorful and full of hope is taken from you. In these times, it matters not what thoughts you muster to try to climb back up, because, the depression voice is louder and more interruptive then your, now diminishing voice of reason and survival. Your thoughts go to suicide because this is, you think, the place of relief. In a moment, you could be rid of that depression creature and be free of the pain and the fear and the self-hate. Your inner voice, now weak, goes to telling you what will it be like for the people you will leave behind? Sometimes, in that moment you see a light in the distance, for in that moment you are thinking of others feelings, and not your own that currently has a disease trying to destroy you. You will go back and forth between statements like, screw them if they cared they would provide relief from the dark place your in, to it will destroy them and that is not what you want to do. Such as depression is, you fight yet you have no more strength and either it wins or you win. I have fought many time and in many ways since I was a child. You want to create any sensation at all, because your dead inside for a time. I can never know what was going on in Robin Williams or Kurt Cobains darkness, but it won, it finally won! I think that for me, I feel the pain of people suffering in such a personal way. I can relate and identify with whatever is hurting in them. I not only hurt with them, I seek out and act out to stop their pain, and mine as well. I am a resourceful man and I think out of the box. This allows me to respond to the pain of others in remarkable ways. I believe that God does not give you the innate ability to feel the pain of others without also giving you the means and resources to help in their healing. My whole life has been a testament to trying to help others in a big way. Sometimes I have failed and sometimes I have had victory, so goes the game of living. When I have lost, the pain of others resides inside you with no apparent hope, because you failed in your attempt to heal them and you. In these moments, hours and weeks, your enemy the depression creature pounces and devours you. I believe that people who have big hearts and express their hearts by helping others are very prone to massive depression. Today, I am winning. Tomorrow I plan to win. As for the future, I can only pray that the depression creature takes a hike never to return again.
Posted on: Thu, 14 Aug 2014 19:47:44 +0000
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