The Glasgow 2014 Commonwealth Games – A Timeline November 7th, 2007 – Glasgow is announced as the host city of the 2014 Commonwealth Games, beating Abuja in Nigeria by 47 votes to 24. Although the result was widely expected it came as a complete shock to the Scottish delegation, who had completely forgotten that theyd even applied and thus hadnt bothered turning up. In the confusion, Tony Blair somehow ends up on stage to accept the Games for Scotland, where he proceeds to reaffirm his belief that while the invasion of Iraq was a tough decision, it had to be made and hed do it again. November 10th, 2007 – In a hastily arranged meeting, Glasgow City Council agrees to form Glasgow 2014 Ltd, the official Organising Committee for the Games. After staring at a map in a blind panic for several hours, organisers are horrified to discover that the only conceivable site for such a large scale sporting event is the citys East End, which has remained isolated from the rest of Glasgow since the building of The Vast Wall in 1989. Plans are made to send reconnaissance and scouting groups to establish contact with The East once more, and water and power supplies are reconnected as a gesture of goodwill. February 13th, 2010 – A Thistle Man named Clyde is unveiled as the official mascot for The Games, and is sent to schools across Glasgow to encourage children to play sports and keep fit. After four days of having his costume torn from all sides, stones thrown at his head, nasty songs composed in his honour and having the word prick written on his back and down his legs, Clyde finally snaps, dishing out Chinese burns to unsuspecting school kids and putting his fist through a window. He is last seen sitting alone with his head in his hands in Vodka Wodka, mumbling, “Its not worth it, nothing is worth it.” May 30th, 2011 – Organisers confirm that Rugby 7s will be a featured competition at Glasgow 2014, the fifth Games in a row to host the sport. A spokesperson says, “We are absolutely thrilled to welcome some of the worlds top rugby players to the city, to descend upon Waxy OConnors and Walkabout to drink pints of their own piss and shove pool cues up each others arseholes.” August 22nd, 2012 – Following concerns that Glasgow lags behind Edinburgh in its range of tourist attractions, the Ghoulish Glasgow Bus Tour is launched. A press release says, “With its long and bloody history, filled with guts, gore, ghosts and ghouls, the city offers the perfect location for the new tour which is packed with terrible tales from its past.” However budget restrictions see the tour disappoint from the get go, and within three weeks the company resorts to simply driving the bus out to Maryhill and parking it outside Aldis for an hour, allowing local residents to surround the vehicle and shake it from side to side while spitting on the windows and howling at the moon. Tourists describe the experience as truly terrifying. November 18th, 2013 – Locals businesses receive a boost when The Scottish Government reveal that a significant cash figure is to be allocated towards improving the vicinities surrounding key Games venues. Bars and restaurants receive free outdoor seating and umbrellas, independent shops are given a fresh coat of paint and repairs are scheduled for nearby roads and pavements. Controversy reigns however when The Guardian publish a leaked Westminster memo, which reads, “As soon as the last spectator has left the Closing Ceremony, hordes of coalition activists will swoop upon the city, scorching buildings, pillaging shops, turning over vehicles and dynamiting roads. The Clyde will overflow with the tears of Glaswegians as we transform the city into a modern-day Pompeii, raining fire on their heathen heads and burying them in a cloud of black ash in the name of Lucifer himself.” David Cameron describes the memo as a misunderstanding, before mumbling Better Together and disappearing down a side-street. April 13th, 2014 – Games organisers decide to drop the demolition of the citys infamous Red Road flats from the Opening Ceremony, following widespread criticism that the move would be disrespectful to former residents. Plans to pillage the graves of former residents, dress their corpses up as the cast from Cats and stage a marionette musical for the Closing Ceremony are also quietly shelved. 23rd July, 2014 – The Opening Ceremony, and the city alive to celebrate the spirit of multiculturalism and friendship that the Games stand for. The Daily Record and The Herald lead with images celebrating what will surely be a benchmark moment for Scotland, while The Daily Mail and Scottish Daily Express report an alarming rise of foreigners on Glasgows streets, here to pillage valuable gold and silver while also taking our jobs and women.
Posted on: Wed, 23 Jul 2014 11:50:00 +0000
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