The Grand Return of the Predicate Mormon-Jew and the Case of Monkey Love: As I traversed through the Cambodian jungle I was awestruck by the beauty of the countryside. No fiery Molotov cocktails flying through the air as security forces cracked the skulls of the local populace. Just the occasional bird call permeating through the air. And then, I spotted this adorable little monkey. It stared at me with eyes the size of giant blue oceans, silently pleading for my attention. And, as an American commissioned with instilling diplomacy throughout the universe, it seemed only fitting that I seize this particular opportunity to make friends with the creatures of the wild. Me: Hello monkey! Monkey: (patters over) Me: How are you today? Monkey: (stares me in the eyes and reaches its tiny paws up towards me, cooing sweetly) Me: We should hug it out. Monkey: (shakes her head in agreement) Me: (Holding a perfectly chilled Monster, I bend down within arm’s reach of my newest best friend) Monkey: (Rebuffs the embrace, and grabs hold of the Monster) Me: Oh, you like sugar free Monster too! Monkey: (starts drinking) SUDDENLY, Monkey, who lured me into a false sense of complacency, lets out an evil war cry, AND proceeds to attack like an uncivilized beast. Zero manners!!! As she rips parts of my face off, I immediately recoil, but not before dragging my Monster with me. The investigation remains ongoing, with deep suspicion of Jihadist monkey ties. And, after droves of medical teams poked and prodded me, I was put back together again – fortunately better than Humpty Dumpty. In the very end, hindsight being 20/20, all monkeys need is not love. #MonkeysareNOTourfriends
Posted on: Tue, 18 Mar 2014 11:40:59 +0000
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