The Incredulously Insipid Misadventures of the Stupidest Stuperfly #3: ‘the curious case number one: the Garden of Earthly Delights!’ It was a strange experience to say the least and, as I already said, I had to become accustomed to the peculiar bodily limitations of my new host. I learned very quickly that my new body was not something that garnered respect and, if anything, people seemed to be revolted by it and, more often than not, tried to kill me. I just could not understand their logic but I had to adjust. My eyes were well-suited to detect motion, I could smell rotting meat up to seven kilometres away and I could also detect vibrations in my surroundings. The compound eyes were just great for forewarning me about possible dangers and...well, that’s about all it was good for and it was certainly not High-Definition by any measure of means. But the smell of expensive whiskey and aftershave mixed with cheap perfume and bodily emissions was just too overpowering...even for my own unrefined tastes. The interior of the vehicle was cavernous and I could barely make out the shapes of two human beings engrossed in each other’s earthly delights. There man was sleight, somewhat old, certainly short and spoke with a squeaky voice while the woman looked extremely young by anyone’s standards. ‘How much did you have to pay them this time?’ squeaked the man. ‘Two hundred!’ grunted the driver. The woman shrieked louder that the man, ‘two hundred!!! Two hundred...and you are complaining about paying me one hundred!’ ‘It’s about supply and demand!’ the man (who for the purposes of this story...remember, it is just a story...shall be known as Squealer...lol) said. ‘Well!’ said the woman with her best African-American flounce, twang and wave of the index finger, ‘you are right...I don’t have to do much to satisfy your demands...’ Squealer blushed. The driver let out a small laugh as if to signal that he knew that this was an episode that he will write about in his memoirs if only he could just learn to write. ‘How dare you!’ squealed Squealer. ‘This little piggy went to the market...oh...no more little, squiggly piggies left...only one little piggy!!!’ ‘You are incorreag...incrore...incorru...incorrag...incorr...’ he squealed. ‘You mean incorruptible?’ she suggested. ‘No!’ he squealed, ‘I mean you are just making me angry!!!’ ‘Ah look...the little piggy is getting angry!’ ‘Stop the car!’ Squealer said. ‘We are stopped!’ driver replied. Squealer turned to his lady friend and said, ‘get out of the car!’ ‘No ways!’ she said, ‘You will drop me off where you picked me up and pay me the five hundred rand that you owe me!’ ‘Five hundred!’ Squealer squealed. ‘Yes...’ she said as she took out her mobile phone and photographed the illustrious Squealer with his little piggy still trying to go to the market. ‘Give me that phone!’ Squealer demanded. She pressed a few buttons and then gave the phone to Squealer. ‘That’s better!!! Now get out!’ ‘I can’t’, she said, ‘I have emailed the photograph to my friend and...who knows...she might leak it to the newspapers...perhaps...we should make this five thousand rand and a monthly fee of...I don’t know...maybe five thousand rand...cash!’ ‘You are blackmailing me!’ he stuttered. ‘No!’ she laughed, ‘ha ha ha...it’s all about supply and demand...now I demand that you take me back to Sandton...on the double...’ ‘Okay driver!” said Squealer, ‘Step on it!’ ‘Shall I use the blue lights?’ the driver asked. ‘Yes...use the goddam blue lights...that’s why we have those goddam blue lights...step on it!’ Squealer shivered. ‘But it’s the morning traffic!’ ‘I don’t care about the morning traffic...just get going!’ And so it was that I came to learn the secret of the blue lights. The trip to Sandton was not was smooth as I thought it would be because ordinary citizens did not care a hoot about the blue lights and were frankly sick and tired of tardy politicians getting up late for their appointments and then putting the live of their employers in danger as they try to make up for lost time. The woman, or rather, the girl, was certainly smarter that the education system had brought her up to be and she knew that she could milk the Squealer even if you couldn’t get water from a stone. Tune in for the next Incredulously Insipid Misadventures of the Stupidest Stuperfly #4: ‘the curious case number one: we arrive in the land of milk and honey!’
Posted on: Tue, 08 Oct 2013 12:24:08 +0000