The Mountain I was away….and it seemed like I was lost again in oblivion. I had placed myself in another difficulty. I was in a facility in upstate NY and was down by the Hudson River in my pajamas painting rocks for fifty cents a day. As I looked out at Indian Point my life revealed itself again and I became sadden because I was becoming comfortable wasting away. I was broken and each time I started to mend I found another reason to shatter myself into pieces. My disappointed with life was evident. I sat in the hallways on the floor or just stared into infinity. A grown man…making frames out of Popsicle sticks…or making ash trays out of clay. What was wrong was I couldnt past yesterday. Something so terrible took place that it had its clutches deeply into me. As I constantly was forced to look back and unravel the moment….I was too afraid because I was wounded and I refused to allow myself to heal. I picked the scab of my existence each and every day. I wished for an ending to my saga. I was released and made my way to a cardboard box or riding the path train all night or finding refuge in the night hours…as darkness was my friend because I lived in darkness. A creature of loathe unbecoming and I knew I was killing myself…and I continued to stumble through life. I then was in the mountains of Pa. in another place to house the pain and murkiness which held me nailed in trauma. It was a place that I will never forget. It was a place that I walked the gang plank and stepped into my troubles. One day a guy showed up….a strange looking guy…and it seemed as though he wasnt being noticed but he was real. All he did was kept quiet. As soon as this guy showed up different personnel started to have this look in their eyes which was scary like I was being prepared to be cooked. I went to see a priest and even he was looking at me strange. He said something that startled me…he said you will live! You’re going to live. It blew me away and for the first time in my life hope was holding my hands. This place had a huge mountain….and I looked at it in the night sky and the stars were smiling at me. I thought I really am crazy. I walked over to a counselor and said may I speak to you. I went in and fell to my knees and I told him of my pain….I had never told anyone this. You see we all have these secret tapes that we have decided to take to our graves. I cried and he lifted me up and said you want to get better you have to tell what you told me out there in front of everyone. I said are you nuts. You see I was a relapse guy constantly going backwards regression was my way of life. Well the next day I had decided I was not going to say a thing. Now this guy who had showed up….looked at me and said too…you will live ….and now I am going bananas. I had never believed in miracles I only believed in darkness and despair. Well the group was going on and all of sudden this feeling like I had never experienced before took control of me….and the counselor saw me wanting him to pull it out of me….and he wouldn’t and then and there…I stopped the session and confessed and when I regurgitated the demon…or whatever was in me….I screamed like a little boy…..I hollered like I wanted to as a child…my eyes rolled in my head I was told and I was knocked out. When I awakened my color had changed…and a calmness came over me….and this was the beginning of forgiving myself….You see I carried that pain…of being pulled apart and traumatized all my life and I just couldnt get pass it until that moment. I then began to write…..and the strange guy who showed up…asked me what I was writing and I couldnt stop writing about God….and he smiled….and the next day he was gone….I have never seen him again….and I left everything which had ever happened to me on that mountain. I began my journey to live and become who I am today... a cup in the hand of God
Posted on: Thu, 13 Nov 2014 01:36:57 +0000
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