The Paperlessly Wallpapered I.OU. Papers (Issue No. 6) Disclaimer: The following haiku pieces and background notes should be interpreted as parodies that try to meet the four-part test for parodies, as established in the 1994 U.S. Supreme Court ruling in the case of Campbell vs. Acuff-Rose Music Inc. regarding the fair use of copyrighted material. Addition to the Disclaimer: The above disclaimer is not intended for the general readership, but rather, any rich, slimy, greedy, sleazy, sneakily twitching entertainment lawyers who might read the piece below and see some opportunity to sue and become richer, slimier, greedier, sleazier, more sneakily twitching entertainment lawyers. Apology for the Addition to the Disclaimer: JFSG Publications apologizes to anyone of the general readership who mistakenly read the above addendum, thinking it was intended for the general readership. Because of the obvious redundancy of the phrase “rich, slimy, greedy, sleazy, sneakily twitching entertainment lawyers,” JFSG Publications also apologizes to any English teachers and/or writing teachers who’ve vainly tried to get their students to avoid such redundancies. Apology for the Addition to the Disclaimer: JFSG Publications apologizes to anyone who read the above apology who was expecting only one apology, only to realize there were two. Beavis, Homer and Bugs: A Haiku Trilogy By Ivan O’Uris I “Butt-knocker” Beavis Kicks Butthead in the gonads. Butthead groans and falls. II Homer J. Simpson Runs toward a pool filled with beer. It’s a mirage. “D’oh!” III “Wascawwy wabbit” Ties Elmer’s gun in a bow. Kisses Fudd, darts off. Bio and Background Notes: Ivan O’Uris is from Luscia, a small North Atlantic island country of 12,000 known for its religious shrine to Yosemite Sam. Each year, millions visit the shrine and recite the sacred chant that is the cornerstone to worshipping Yosemite Sam: “Rassin’, frackin’, rickin’, riffin’.”* Since immigrating to the United States, Ivan has worked as a foreign correspondent for his country’s newspaper, The Luscian O’Buenklava, which is known for its (Yosemite Sam-inspired) motto: “Read this, ya igit galloot! Or else I’m a gonna blow ya to smithereenes!” Within the past 11 years, he has published poetry in U.S. publications, courtesy of Ivan O’Uris scholars Mr. Blank, Mr. Mystery and Mr. Anonymous Jr. II. Because of the importance of Yosemite Sam in Luscia, Ivan had planned to honor him with an epic poem about him after joining a cult dedicated to writing poetry about cartoon characters. That changed, however, when he saw the “Beavis and Butthead” episode “For Better or Verse,” which features haiku composed by the twosome. “Their pieces showed me the beauty of haiku,” he wrote in his journal. “After hearing the soothing lyricism of Butthead’s haiku about killing a frog, I decided I had to work in the medium. And what better way to begin than by honoring the gentle spirits of those dumbasses?” He then wrote the first haiku of the above trilogy. Ivan showed his haiku to cult leader Popeye LePew, who took his name not from the hybrid of the characters Popeye and Peep LePew – as has been reported in newspaper and magazine articles – but rather, his friend Popeye LePew, a sailor with a profuse body odor. LePew wept upon reading it. “Granted, an anvil had just fallen on his foot,” Ivan recalled. “Still, his response was encouraging.” Prompted by LePew to make the piece a part of a trilogy, Ivan started another Beavis and Butthead-related haiku, but developed writer’s block. Ivan was inspired to write again while driving to pick up LePew at LePew’s secluded meditation treat in the Mojave Desert. (Note: He didn’t actually try to write while driving, as that would’ve been difficult, not to mention dangerous and idiotic.) En route, Ivan’s vintage Yugo broke down and he had to walk across the desert. During his trek, he encountered a cactus shaped like Homer Simpson. As he was about to cut open the cactus with a knife to get water, the cactus spoke. “First, the cactus said, ‘HEY, PUT THAT AWAY!’ ” Ivan wrote. “Then, it said, ‘I WANT YOU TO WRITE ONE OF THOSE STUPID … CHINESE OR JAPANESE … POETRY THINGIES!’ I replied, ‘You mean a haiku?’ ‘YEAH, WHATEVER,’ it replied. ‘ANYWAY, I WANT IT TO BE ABOUT THE GREAT HOMER J. SIMPSON AND BEER! MMMM, BEER.’ Then it belched.” Inspired by the Homer Simpson-sounding/belching cactus, an estranged cousin to the burning bush encountered by Moses, Ivan wrote the second haiku. The third was inspired by what happened when Ivan found LePew at the retreat. As part of an allergic reaction to some recently consumed carrot cake, the cult leader believed he was Bugs Bunny. When he saw Ivan, LePew ran up to Ivan, tied the end of Ivan’s walking stick into a bow, kissed Ivan, dashed away, spun around and dove into what he thought was his rabbit hole, but was actually an empty well. “When he hit the bottom, it squashed his body, rather like Yosemite Sam after having a drawbridge landing on him,” wrote Ivan. Now 18 inches tall and 34 inches wide, LePew has become a champion professional crab imitator. The above haiku trilogy was originally published online (in altered form) in 2005 by OPIUM Magazine. It then mysteriously disappeared from the Internet. A nameless group of Midwestern literary scholars-turned-conspiracy theorists have argued that it disappeared because the Ploddingly Pleasingly Pleated Pladsborough Plagiarists, an extremist literary terrorist group and Bingo hustling ring, stole it by sucking it through a black hole on the Internet. The scholars/conspiracy theorists also have argued that the plagiarist group did so by using the Wile E. Coyote Acme Internet Content Sucker, which the plagiarist group also stole. As proof, the scholars/conspiracy theorists point to an alleged note sent to Ivan in 2006 that read: “We have your precious haiku trilogy. Please send us $20 million in unmarked bills, along with a new thesaurus, dictionary and a dead walnut tree limb AND a guarantee that the haiku trilogy will be published (under our group name) in The New Yorker and it will be returned unharmed.” No one has ever found a copy of the note. Ivan has repeatedly refused to comment on the matter, claiming that he needs to focus his energies on his latest work, an epic poem about Yosemite Sam. *Translated from Yosemite Samspeak into English, this means “rassin’, frackin’, rickin’, riffin’.” ©2005-2008, 2013 JFSG Publications. All rights reserved.
Posted on: Thu, 21 Nov 2013 16:54:10 +0000