The RIGHT to DECIDE ?? Brooke’s ‘final letter’ Dear family, friends, and caregivers, First, I want to tell you how grateful I am for the love and support you have given me over the past almost four years since my accident in November of 2008. Without that, I would never have survived as long as I have. I’m immensely grateful for this and I hope that I have repaid it in some measure by my own willingness to go on despite considerable odds. I wish I had the words to tell you how much you have meant to me, but I simply don’t. But now I want to tell you that I’ve decided that I can no longer go on living in a situation that I have been in over the past five months since my pneumonia. A great deal of this has to do with the relentless pain that I have suffered over those months. I have struggled with this, needless to say. On the one hand, I want to keep on fighting and above all to keep on teaching. On the other, I find that I’ve reached the limit of my capacity to go on. It is simply just too hard. Pain eats away at your soul. For many years since the accident, I have been motivated by a deep will to live and to contribute to the benefit of others in my small way. I think I have done that. And I am proud of it. But, as I have told [my wife] Peggy over the past few months, I knew that I would reach a limit to what I could do. And I have arrived at the limit over the past couple of weeks. I knew that there would come a time when I would reach that limit. I didn’t know when it would be. But I knew that it would come, and it is here, now. You may think that I’m depressed. I am. And I have every reason to be, I think. But that doesn’t take away from the fact of what I am currently feeling. Despair. And hopelessness. I don’t mean to come across as self-pitying. I am not. I am simply at the end of the line and what I can tolerate. As I’ve said, relentless pain corrodes the soul. Mine has been corroded to the point at which I simply no longer desire to live in this condition. I do not know how I will go about departing. It’s very complex. I do not have a terminal condition. In fact, because of my diaphragmatic pacer, I could go on living for a very long time (unless of course I come down with another bout of pneumonia, which is probably inevitable anyway). But I do know now that I do not wish to continue to live. Is this selfish on my part? Maybe. If it is, I am deeply sorry. I am especially sorry for what it will do to Peggy, who has done so much to keep me going. To keep me motivated. (Believe me, I am crying as I write this.) I have pulled in many different and contradictory directions. On the one hand, part of me wants to keep on fighting. On the other, I simply wish to give up at this point. As I say, I have no idea how I will arrange for my own departure from the beautiful life I have lived. Peggy and I have had an amazing 35 or so years together. There have been some rough moments as there are in any deep relationship as long as ours. But our life together has been an incredible adventure. Oh, my God, what an adventure. Even after the accident. But the time has come. I think she understands this. I do not wish to bring her any more grief and sadness about my condition. And my state of mind as it has evolved over the past few months. But the time has come. Forgive me. You have all been so loving and generous. Thank you. All my love, Brooke (Dated July 28, 2012, about a year before his death) U. of Utah English professor’s final odyssey to the great beyond End of life » Paralyzed U. prof Brooke Hopkins takes his final odyssey to the great beyond as his family makes a painful decision to let him go. By Peggy Fletcher Stack | The Salt Lake Tribune First Published Aug 18 2013 12:16 am • Updated 1 hour ago
Posted on: Mon, 19 Aug 2013 18:39:27 +0000