The Real McCoy Subject: We Was Robbed By Brent E. McCoy A few weeks ago, there was a news story stating that 27 NFL players had been arrested since the last Super Bowl. In 2006, the Washington Post listed over forty NFL players who had been arrested that year. Violent crime, and indeed, any crime is not something to made fun of, but I think the NFL is missing a big opportunity here. We know that professional sports teams play by different rules than almost any other business. It shouldn’t be too much of a stretch to rearrange the rules to have all NFL players incarcerated together. I’m sure we all believe that criminals should be punished to the full extent of the law; unless they can run, catch, or throw. If the penal system could hold enough active NFL players at one institution they undoubtedly could field a top notch prison team that could go undefeated for years; at least on the field, if not in court. It’s said that a great defense wins big games. In this case, it’s a poor defense that builds a great team. Finally, nonsensical sports metaphors, terminology, and idioms would take on new meaning. There would be economic advantages too. To wit: No one would have to pay for the official’s uniforms. They could just stop by the prison laundry on the way to the field and grab a striped shirt. Player’s uniforms would be cheaper, the numbers are already assigned and put on every jersey. It might sound a little strange at first when the announcer refers to, “Good ol’ number 1033567789.” We will probably have to adjust to some other things as well. Players in the “shotgun offense” will have to be carefully searched before the play begins. When the losing team cries “We was robbed,” they just might be right and a report will have to be taken. When a quarterback throws “a bomb down the field”; duck! When a player makes “a sack,” he should get credit in his handicrafts class. The same should go for the quarterback “threading the needle.” Officials will have a little more leeway when calling penalties. Holding penalties will be changed from being ten yards for the offense and only five yards for the defense to all holding penalties will be five to ten with no chance for parole. When a player is ejected from the game he most definitely may not take a shower and go home. Face masks will no longer be allowed and helmets will be replaced by padded skull caps. Major infractions will be ruled on by the side judge, without a jury, and additional time may be added; either to the game or, for serious violations, to the offender’s sentence. It will be okay to run away from the pack as long as it is not a pack of prison guards. It will not be okay to leap into the stands or run down the tunnel. Knifing one’s way though the defense will lead to severe discipline. If the side judge determines that additional punishment is warranted, the player may be forced serve out the rest of his time in Cleveland playing for the Browns. Some of the changes might lead to a little confusion, for example, A “quarterback sneak” might be used to describe the play or the quarterback. Finally, if there is any justice, the home stadium will be named Burt Reynolds Field. And, in keeping with that theme, if this team ever faced a team composed of incarcerated renegade truckers, do you think there is a chance that they would play at Sally Field?
Posted on: Wed, 31 Jul 2013 22:38:20 +0000
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