The Shit Theory of Anger July 27, 2010 by YAC Your Anger Coach Leave a Comment Shit is a Funny Thing Literally, sometimes, depending on what movies you’re watching (or comedians you are listening to). Anger and shit have a lot in common, especially in how we deal with it. I’ll watch myself from here on out, saying s__t too many times would begin to turn people off. Don’t want to do that! However it is true. Think of the similarities. The S word is something we all deal with, and we will deal with it for our whole lives. I can’t say it’s not going anywhere, because it goes all the time; or we go all the time – take your pick. The reality is that we never get rid of either one of them. We will always have shit and we will always have anger. Both are facts of life. Both are unpleasant facts of life. An Old Saying There was a saying the old crooks in my neighborhood would say — “You don’t shit in your own back yard.” That fits pretty well here. There aren’t a whole lot you can do with life’s crap. Sometimes it seems like it’s easiest to pretend it’s not there. Unfortunately, it eventually starts stinking, so something has to change. And there aren’t that many things to do with shit. As mentioned earlier, it can definitely be compared with anger. Think about it. We all have both of them. They both tend to come back from time to time. Both sometimes show up at the worst possible time. Holding either of them in doesn’t seem to work for long. Blasting either of them all over the place can make one hell of a mess. Both sometimes seem out of control. Need I go on? What do people do with them then? Here is the Shit Theory of Anger 1 1. Sometimes People Eat Shit When we do this, we internalize anger. In other words, we turn it inward. This may be where the stories started about “stuffing” anger. Unfortunately, stuffing comes with the mythical outcome that doing this eventually eventually “overfills” and we somehow blow up like a big pimple or water balloon. There are consequences to internalizing, but exploding isn’t one of them. What does happen is that our internal lie detector starts going off and we begin to feel like we aren’t competent in our lives. It’s often the outcome of misguided anger management strategies. Emotions and feelings do go somewhere; there’s no doubt about that. What often happens is that people begin to feel depressed, anxious, even shameful. Carrying this stuff around is also hard on our hearts. Think about the word “anger.” Anger has the same root as the word “angina.” Angina is heart pain. Anger is also related to the word “constriction.” Constriction means to tighten up and make small. Internalized anger becomes like a suit of armor where the wearer feel safe. The suit is also very heavy and may hinder any kind of personal development. 2. Sometimes People Throw Shit You may have already guessed that if eating is internalizing, throwing is externalizing. The story the shit-thrower buys is that if he or she is angry, well, damn it, people are going to know about it. Think about what it means if we start to throw this stuff around. This is acting out on anger big time. The goal is the same as those who internalize anger. Get rid of it. Don’t feel it. And if you do, attack it with a vengeance. Or attack whatever is causing it. What do you think happens when someone is angry and they decide to start steamrolling everything that gets in the way. Of course. Everyone gets out of the way. More than that, people stay away. Until the steamroller runs into another steamroller. Then it’s the gunfight at the OK corral. The result – road rage accidents, fights, violence, yelling matches, you name it. The crap thrower is also prone to depression, maybe even acting out of depression. Think about the constriction here. The heart can only take so much of these rises in blood pressure. 3. The Red-Headed Step Child of the Bunch There is also a hybrid of these first two. Sometimes folks internalize anger in places where they feel powerless. For example, if someone learns they have no power at work, they may also learn to just keep their mouths shut. But, what happens when they show up someplace where they feel like they’ve got some power, like at home? This is where the shit thrower comes out. Unbridled and ready to rumble. 4. Everything That’s Beautiful Grows From Shit As I am writing this, I can look out the window and in front of me is a sea of green leaves, grass and bushes, along with flowers of all kinds of colors. The food we eat, the natural fibers in our clothes, our leather shoes, even the wooden table where I sit typing this article – everything that is beautiful in the world grows from shit. But this is from planting it. With anger, it takes a decision to plant anger. It means to level with people, to learn to be assertive and practice it. Planting anger is what anger flexibility is all about. In my more lucid moments, I have to admit that I’ve fit all four of these characteristics. I’m not always comfortable with that, but real is real. Perhaps you are the same. The challenge is learning what to do with anger, not in trying to get rid of it. If you find this useful, don’t forget to share it with someone you care about. This is something I learned from a friend and mentor, Dr. Jim Ayers. It’s something he taught 15 years ago and it stuck. I hope it is as helpful to you as it has been to me. ↩ Spread the Word... Google +1 Twitter10 Facebook10 More
Posted on: Tue, 16 Jul 2013 18:30:26 +0000
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