The Survivors of Suicide First of all, I want to go ahead & thank the ones who are taking the time to read this. I have a feeling that it may be a bit long. So, Thank You! Most of you know that both of my parents died by suicide. Ive always wanted to write something about it, but never knew what to really say. So, I will try my best to get through this without sounding as if Im rambling. The statement I am trying to make & hope that it reaches others is The Survivors of Suicide are the Only Ones to Suffer. June 6, 1993, 2 days before my 14th birthday, my Daddy took his own life. I was devastated! My almost 14 year old mind could not begin to comprehend why my Daddy was dead & why he chose my birthday to end his own life. I had so many thoughts & images going through my mind & the questions I had could only be answered by the one person that I would NEVER be able to talk to again. I had so many different emotions taking over me at once that I didnt know if I wanted to scream, cry, laugh or just be silent. I remember sitting in the middle of my bed that night & screaming at God & screaming at Daddy at the top of my lungs & just wanting someone... anyone to answer me. I was so hurt & so mad & I remember yelling & telling Daddy that he was a coward! He would never see me graduate, never walk me down the aisle, never meet his grandkids... point was that he would just NEVER do anything ever again. He was 38 years old & had completely given up on life... He had even given up on me. Fast forward to Fathers Day 2006, 10 days after my birthday, I get the call to go to Athens hospital. Mama was in an ambulance & they had a faint pulse... On the 30 minute drive down hwy 19, I just prayed & told Him let His will be done. I knew she was gone & all I remember thinking is I lost her just like I lost Daddy. Even though Mama had a DNR (do not resuscitate) they still had her on life support. I had power of attorney when it came to medical decisions & after getting all of the test results I had decided that it was time to take her off the machine & let God take care of the rest. They ruled Mamas death as a suicide due to accidental overdose. The same feelings came rushing back & not only had I been abandon by Daddy, but now Mama too. This time I had to go home & tell my kids that their Granny wasnt coming home & that she was in Heaven. Do not get wrong, I have attempted suicide & the only thing that stopped me was the thought of my kids having to grow up with the same thoughts & feelings as I did. I cant imagine my kids & grandkids having the same thoughts, feelings & unanswered questions that I had & still have to this day. Ive never wanted sympathy or pity from anyone & all suicide survivors deal with their loss differently. For the longest time I blamed myself & even questioned if I had done everything I could to prevent it. I felt guilty, lost & abandoned. My abandonment issues with men all started by my Daddys death. I assumed I was never good enough & that no man would ever want me. My faith wavered & I found myself being angry at God. It wasnt fair. What did I do to deserve this? Was I being punished? Luckily God finally answered my questions. Everything that happens to you, is not about/for you. Every struggle you endure makes you a stronger & better person, not only for you but for others you may come in contact with later in life. So please remember that if you have lost someone due to suicide, YOU are the real SURVIVORS! & just a S/N: If you are considering suicide, please ask for help first. You may not see it now, but even though your pain may end with your death, the pain you leave with your loved ones lasts a lifetime. (Some of this may have you confused or leave you with more questions, if so, please do not hesitate to ask. My method of healing is teaching, talking & educating others. I love you all & again, thank you for reading. ~AlmostAnAngel~ )
Posted on: Fri, 23 Jan 2015 05:55:30 +0000
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