The Thanksgiving top 10....OK there is only eight. Give me a break Im kind of sleepy. The top ten relatives at every Thanksgiving dinner. 1. The Later Tater This person is late to everything. While 78 relatives wait patiently for the arrival of this inconsiderate genius, The Later Tater stops on the way for Starbucks coffee, a 3 hour tour through the local retail Supercenter hoping to avoid the rush of Black Friday, then arrives halfway into the 3rd quarter of the Cowboys game. 2. Leftover Larry Apparently Larry doesnt know where the grocery store is, because he takes home every crumb and dinner roll, packing every piece of his mothers Tupperware set, including gravy boat, to max capacity with any sign of edible fodder. He will never return the tupperware, in fact the gravy boat is now a converted soap dish for the spare toilet area. The rest was accidentally left on the city bus in a Walmart shopping bag, presently in the hands of the happiest crack addict in history. 3. Houdini belly. This guy must have a secret pocket sewn into his jeans because there is no way to consume so much food without interfering with the time space continuum or at a minimum, challenging Einsteins theory of mass and energy conversion. After his third plate he has the belly of a pregnant gazelle and goes to the belt for adjustment, creating a space for 3 pecan pies and a carton of 2 percent milk. Consciousness fades quickly turning him into an unconscious, unbuttoned pants wearing, beached whale. Explosion from the pressure build up is imminent. Sightseers are warned to keep a wide berth of the area. Until the spring snow melt. 4. Our fearless leader aka The Chef. Usually a woman, because no man could ever perform the kitchen acrobatics required to pull together a table of L-trytophan laden goodness chef puck would be proud of. Starting with only a can of spam and a pair of non matching oven mitts, this amazing maestro of meat can make miracles from mystery meat in the blink of an eye. Where did the goose come from? Did someone actually kill a goose, or is that snowball from the pond at the park down the street? Oh well, it was delicious. 5. Green Bean Cassa-what? Bless their heart this person blesses mankind with a recipe combining Campbells soups stepchild offering, otherwise known as cream of mushroom soup, French fried potato sticks from a can and some string beans. Some how, not unlike a witches brew, the most disgusting sustenance known to man magically combines to become an irresistibly yummy fare with a cheesy crusty top. Witchcraft is suspected but never investigated. 6. Movie Mogul Aunt Mary Sometime midway through dinner, aunt Mary mentions that new animated 4 hour feature film about a parrot. Its playing at the dollar theater and before desert is even served, carpool logistics are calculated and advanced tickets purchased using the new fangled internet console. Football is run over like it never existed, the players go on strike and the last ever thanksgiving game in history is witnessed by all 7 Billion human beings except aunt Marys descendants. The parrot movie has been on DVD since 96. 7. Mashed Potato Marionette Arms flailing as if guided by an unseen force, mashed potatoes come and go like the wind on this guys plate. Leaving nary a trace, the plate feels violated nonetheless. No tater in the tri-county area has any chance of surviving his inevitable devour. Emergency government potato stores are flown in from Ireland to cover the deficit. 8. Peter Politics. This mastermind thinks conspiracy theories are for pansies and insists he knows who killed Jesse Jackson. Even though Jesse sits across the table from Peter, hes clearly a chip injected man-drone sent here by the greys for the purpose of confusing the human slaves into shopping at Walmart til 4am. The plot includes the Rothschild family, who apparently own Walmart too, selling mass quantities of useless electronics contributing to the Obama-Nazi master plan of creating a new world of orderlies wearing gray overalls and steam punk goggles. Wake up people. Its up to you to complete the list with the last two relatives found at every Thanksgiving dinner in history. Dont let me down. Go!
Posted on: Fri, 28 Nov 2014 02:00:32 +0000
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