The Thing Ugly Yes, its ugly...I know. Some people may even consider it fugly. If you dont know what that means well,...I aint tellin! But, thing was a part of Idora Park! YES! It was! Honest injun! (Can I still say that?) Anyway...I want to tell you about this Idora thing and how we got it. I didnt think that this was the case, (that it came from Idora Park) but after looking through hundreds (maybe thousands) of Idora Park photos for proof...well,...I found the confirmation that I needed. Okay, so maybe it was really Buck who actually found the proof... The seller said he was sure that it was from Idora Park because he bought it from a person who got it from a person who bought it from a friend whos cousins ex-husband bought it at the 1984 Idora Park auction...or something like that... Im not so sure about the chain of custody on the thing, but yes...the photo proves its Idoras. This is the photographic proof that I,...er Buck finally found...(youre supposed to look at the first photo now. Go ahead, Ill wait right here...). The photo is from the 1970s or maybe 80s(?)... ...a grainy, distant photo with the thing in the background, way in the background...parked near my old game...Skee-Ball. So it definitely WAS at Idora Park!!! Told ya! By the way... Did I mention that I worked Idora Parks Skee-Ball game in the summer of 1976? Yep, Football Throw game too! Who cares, right? Get on with the story! So,...how did I find this thing and why did I buy it??? Easy answer first...I bought it because its something big from Idora Park and I have photographic proof that it really was at Idora Park. You see, I have an affliction. Its called IdoraParkitis. Actually, I should probably call it something else because itis in medical terminology means inflammation of. Inflammation of Idora Park would be the name of the affliction and thats just not a funny thing to say...I mean, on account of what happened to Idora in 1984...you know, the fire...inflammation...flames...etc...get it? Sorry, Im rambling again... It had to be saved! This thing is a piece of our history...Idora Park history. This thing was found outside, rusting away in the weather...I cant allow that. Hunh? Whats that...? What did you just say...? How did I find it? Yes, I didnt tell you that yet did I? Well, let me tell you the story... Like most stories it starts out... Once upon a midnight dreary... Just a few weeks ago, actually...I was home...it was late...I slithered off to bed... Zzzzzzs came quickly... The hours ticked by... Then, it happened... ...the clock struck midnight, and through my sleeping I heard a tapping at my door. I looked, but nothing lay in the darkness... ...and so I turned inside once more. To my amazement, there stood a... NINJA! (Thought I was gonna say Raven didintcha?) whose shadow hung upon my floor... ...and through the darkness I heard the one word that I shall hear for ever more... Boss! Boss! ...scared the heck out of me! Luckily, he was one of ours. Luckily...? Me: (standing at my door and scolding the ninja) dont surprise me like that! Its after midnight! You wake me up with that knocking, I look outside, no-one was there, I turn around and youre standing inside the house! Stop being so sneaky you Buckethead! Nuck: boss, it me - Nuck, not Buck! (Then, he points over my shoulder) Buck - there, behind you! I had not been aware that a second ninja had arrived and was quietly standing behind me... Me: (practically jumping out of my skin - figuratively, not literally...and turning around to face Buck) Stop sneaking up on me! What do you two want? Nuck: Idora artifact boss! We find it...big one! Buck: big one boss! Me: (still looking at Buck) yes Buck, thank you for the echo. What exactly is this artifact that youve located and where is it? Nuck spoke again so I turned 180 degrees...again to look at him, putting my back to Buck... Nuck: boss, it big artifact! Buck: (from behind me) big artifact boss, it big! Me: (glancing over my shoulder at Buck, who was still standing behind me) yes Buck, I heard Nuck when he said that. But, thank you for repeating it...AGAIN! Now, Buck come stand in front of me so I can stop spinning around like a top trying to talk to the two of you! Me: Ill ask again...What is this big artifact, and where is it? Nuck: dont know what it is boss...it look like...truck, maybe? Buck started to open his mouth to speak, but I cut him off... Me: (wagging my finger and shaking my head at Buck) unh unh,...no...do not repeat that...stand there, say nothing...and just look cute. Me: Nuck, you found a truck? A truck? Really? What makes you think its from Idora? Nuck: man say so! He say it from Idora Park. Me: a truck...from Idora... Nuck: not truck, but look like truck. Me: from an amusement park ride at Idora? Nuck: no, not ride...real truck, but not truck. Me: real wha...? So, its a car? Nuck: not car, look like...truck, boss! Me: youre killing me here...so it looks like a truck, but it isnt a truck and it isnt a car? Nuck: (smiling and nodding his head) that right boss! Me: this is too difficult...how am I supposed to know what youre talking about? You say its like a truck, but not a truck, and not a car, but you cant tell me what it is except that its from Idora Park because some guy says so...! Oh, and it isnt part of a ride. Nuck: We show you photos boss! Me: you have photos of it??? Photos? You knucklehead! All this time wasted...and you have photos of it? Why, I ought to...why didnt you just show me the photos instead of making me chase my tail? Nuck: (peering around behind me) you have tail, boss? Me: (ignoring the dumb question) show me the photos! Nuck pulled out some photos and spread them on a nearby table. Me: thats not a truck! Nuck: that what I say, boss...not truck! I say that! Buck: he say that boss! Me: (rolling my eyes, scowling at Buck, but addressing Nuck) Nuck, thats a...well, its a...sort of...kind of...like a meter maid-type thing. Or, an English milk float. Nuck: (a quizzical look on his face) meter maid? Milk float? Me: never mind...Its some kind of utility vehicle...its ugly too...looks like a three wheeler. Nuck: yes, three wheel boss. Buck: yes, three...(but he abruptly and wisely stopped before finishing what Id already heard from Nuck) Me: (ignoring them both) wheres your proof that its from Idora Park? Nuck: boss, man say so! Me: nope, not good enough. I cant throw money at everything and anything because someone says it came from Idora Park. I need proof! Proof, man! Proof! Get me proof! Buck: proof! Me: (looking at Buck) so, now youre repeating after me? (I gave Buck the universal symbol for zip it) Me: okay, heres what we do...tomorrow, er...I mean later today, since its after midnight...well head to this guys place and take a look. In the meantime, Buck...you start going through the archives...lots of photos, and look for some proof that this ugly thing was really at Idora Park! Proof! Preferably a photo taken with this thing at Idora Park. Uh, where is this thing anyway? Is it close...I hope??? Nuck: boss,...thing in Ontario. Me: well, thats not so bad. Ontario, Ohio is just west of us...2 hours away. Nuck: boss...uh, not Ontario, Ohio. Thing in Canada. Me: tell me you didnt just say Ontario, Canada! If so, please tell me it isnt too far away. Ontario Canada is huge! Its like, the size of 10 of our largest states! Besides, I was just in Niagara Falls last weekend! You couldnt have told me about this then? Nuck: uh, sorry... it 400 miles boss. Me: (groaning) oh geez, of course it is. If we can find an old Idora photo with the thing in it, then yes, I guess Ill have to go. Fast Forward...after about 4 hours of sleep... I hear a tapping at my door... Uh, not again! Its Nuck. Nuck: boss, Buck find photo of thing at Idora! I looked and sure enough...there it was. I telephoned the owner in Canada, set up our route, loaded our supplies and we set off for Canada and our 800 mile round trip. The mission was on! Nuck sat in the front passenger seat of my truck. Me: wheres Buck? Nuck: style points boss, he on roof. Me: (skidding the truck to a stop and shaking my head) get him off the roof of the truck and tell him to get inside, NOW! Its starting to snow like crazy and I dont want him up there while Im driving on slick roads! Buck reluctantly climbed inside and sat right next to me...on the console! Me: seriously? You want to sit there? Get in the back seat! I dont want you crowding me. We had been on the road for about 4 1/2 hours not talking much, just taking in the scenery, watching the snow falling,...mostly just listening to Roger Hodgson music...hes the genius who wrote and sings most of Supertramps hit songs. I could sense fidgeting in the back seat...Buck was about to speak. Buck: boss, need style points! Union meeting last night, they tell me I short on style points this month! I ride on roof? Me: no roof riding! Youre not getting style points by riding on the roof of my truck. A union meeting, eh? What else did that union of yours tell you? Whats it called again? Buck: Amalgamated Union of Ninjas and Bakery Workers. My jaw dropped. Im shaking my head in disbelief. Me: did you say ninjas and bakers...in a union together? Are you serious? Buck: yes, boss...serious! Me: yes, and once again the nonsense makes perfect sense. Buck: union give us new mission. Monday we picket non-union bakery. We wear full ninja battle dress! Me: let me get this right, youre going to wear full ninja battle dress to picket a bakery? This must be a huge bakery! Are you expecting some resistance from them??? Maybe a donut fight??? Sheesh! Which company are you talking about...Sunbeam Bread? Schmidt Baking? Hostess Brands? Little Debbie Cakes? Dunkin Donuts? Which one? Buck: no, no - local place boss! Me: really? Schwebels? I thought they were already union! Buck: not Schwebels boss, it called Debbie Fays Cupcakes! Me: never heard of em, but the name somehow sounds familiar...where are they headquartered...Chicago, New York, L.A.??? Buck: you funny boss! She in Hubbard! Me: excuse me, did you say She...and she is in Hubbard, as in Hubbard Ohio...population of like, maybe 18 people??? Buck: that the one boss! We picket non-union next week! Me: just how big is this bakery thats such a threat to your union of ninjas and bakers? Buck: one lady boss, but she sell many cupcakes...dozens! My jaw dropped (even further!) I was utterly dumbfounded and shocked. All that I could do was stare at him in disbelief. I wasnt even able to shake my head...amazing! I stared too long I guess... ...big mistake... I wasnt paying attention to what was unfolding on the road ahead of me... The big Ford van ahead of us must have hit ice on the bridge. It was towing a long, dual-axle enclosed trailer that began to go into a sideways slide to the left. I saw the brake lights of the Ford van light up...big mistake by the driver. Bam! The trailer whacked the left guardrail. Striking the guardrail like that appeared to accelerate the trailers swing, causing it to bounce back to the right into a wide right arc...the trailer smacked the right guard rail...hard! I backed off the accelerator because I knew this was likely to get uglier. Then strangely, I heard the back door of my truck open and close...and Buck was gone! What the...? Where did he go? I had to trust that he knew what he was doing because I needed to get back to the emergency unfolding in front of me. After all, Buck is a ninja and highly trained...I prayed. The Ford van and trailer fish-tailed again, to the left, then right, he was losing all control...over compensating in his steering corrections...then it happened...the van flipped onto its driver side and began to slide...fast...down into the small embankment and into the ditch off to our right...I had to gently brake and try to avoid hitting him or losing control on the icy road. I saw something move quickly outside...from my right side, but slightly above my truck...I didnt recognize the object, then..I saw it clearly...it looked like a giant flying squirrel! (Hey, thats what my mind saw...it was happening so quick!) Then, it was as if time stopped and movement slowed...like slow motion all around me...like in a movie. I glanced over and saw that the flying squirrel wasnt a giant squirrel after all, but a person in some kind of flying suit...well, a very little person in one of those glider suits like you see on YouTube...arms and legs fully extended in a big X pattern as if it was flying, or parachuting. Suddenly the human flying squirrel turned its head to the left, looked over at me and winked! It, I mean he winked! I recognized the eyes and the smile behind the ninja mask...Buck! He went into a tuck position like a cannonball dive, then a forward somersault toward the ground, came out of the tuck, extended his legs toward the ground, and ever so gently and gracefully touched down into the icy, snow covered road next to me...assumed a surfers stance as he glided along and finally slid to a stop. How the heck do they do that??? Slow motion went back into real time as Buck turned and raced toward the wreck. I felt a sense of pride fill my chest as I watched him through the passenger door mirror. Now THAT was style points! My truck was finally slowing after we passed the now wrecked Ford van and trailer. I noticed that the trailer was teetering, balanced on two wheels. Again, I looked in my passenger door mirror and I saw Buck running fast toward the wreck. Nuck was out of the truck before we could stop completely. I didnt see where Nuck disappeared to, but I wouldnt have been surprised to see another flying squirrel headed toward the wreck. My truck stopped and I knew I needed to get to the overturned van to help. I stepped out of the truck and BAM - I was reminded that Im no ninja...slippery icy road...I hit the wet ground butt first. So much for gracefulness and style points. I managed to get up and limp toward the wreck. I saw Nuck standing on top of the vans passenger side and Buck was... To be continued...(leaving Canada now to return to Ohio)
Posted on: Sun, 16 Nov 2014 17:52:40 +0000
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