The Twenty-Nine Worst Things The Liberals Did Yesterday (175) by Bob Ellis Campbell Newman accused the ALP of paying Alan Jones, no less, to ‘smear and innuendo me’. And, when the Police Union’s Ian Leavers said, ‘Campbell Newman looked me in the eye and he lied to me’, Nooman called this ‘a misunderstanding’. Jones called him a liar each morning on Brisbane radio and Leavers when questioned did this too, repeatedly. ‘I’m a serving police officer,’ he said. ‘If you’re going to lie to a police officer, you’ll lie to anyone.’ David Speers, worried, said Nooman was ‘certain to win the election, but with a reduced majority, perhaps.’ A statewide Skynews search for someone who liked him had, he said, been, ‘sadly, thus far unavailing’. Sensing crisis, Michael Kroger, aka ‘Dangerman’, sought the Presidency of the Liberal Party in Victoria and was awarded this crown of thorns unopposed. It was thought the LNP, a branch office of that party, would be obliterated on January 31st, and a ‘Southern Risorgimento’ was needed if the party was to win again government anywhere before 2050. ‘By 2050,’ Kroger promised, ‘I will be ninety-three, and ready for office, and raring to go.’ Two men hanged themselves in Nauru after Dutton cyberbullied them, but were cut down alive. Film of their attempt survived, and seemed to suggest Morrison’s policy of ‘life imprisonment for getting on the wrong boat, though your wife and child is in Sydney’ was unpopular with internees. Central to this disgruntlement, it was thought, was the re-employment of Reza Barati’s murderers to ‘settle them down’, and with clubs, pipes, machetes and hypodermics ‘restore order’. Efforts were made to stop the Lindt Cafe survivors talking about what happened that day and that night on TV. The coroner, Abernathy, a Liberal voter, said ‘they might embellish their accounts, and feel compelled to say what they said on television to the coronial inquiry’; things like, say, how impatient wallopers shot five of them, one fatally. Or they might curse Abbott for not agreeing to talk to the monster, and so save eight of them, eleven of them having elsewhere escaped. Or they might curse Baird for preventing, if he did, the wallopers from going in for nine minutes after the first shot was fired, and thus ‘facilitating two murders’. Glenn Lazarus, referring to Pyne, denounced the government’s efforts to ‘polish a turd’. Lamenting backbenchers told Fairfax that Abbott had ‘months, not years’ to redeem his many, many mistakes, and the ‘evil stepmother, Credlin’ had to go. Jennifer Hewett said a leadership change was ‘unlikely’, but the very fact of its recent bewhispering was ‘an extraordinary indictment of the government’s unravelling, and the urgency of the need for massive improvement.’ Abbott was asked by Neil Mitchell if he was ‘toxic’ by now and if, given that, he would be leader next year. Abbott said recent events in Victoria and federally showed you must stand behind your leader, however daft, or obliteration follows. A talkback person claiming to be a ‘lifelong Liberal voter’ but sounding a good bit like Troy Bramston called him a ‘useless cunt’ and ‘the worst salesman ever’ after his backdown on the twenty dollar doctor visit fine and urged him to ‘crawl away and die’. Abbott thanked him for his lifelong support, and beseeched him to use his ‘considerable rhetorical skills, evident from your phone call’, to, as Lazarus put it, ‘polish this turd, if you will, for a little longer.’ The caller told him to go bite his bum, and rang off. It was revealed that Pyne’s advertisements for his quarter million dollar degrees would cost, now, fifteen million dollars. This was enough to keep three small theatres going for a thousand years on the interest alone, and was thought ‘a bit much’ by Lazarus & Xenophon, the current government undertakers, and ‘really bloody greedy, sunshine’, by Jacqui ‘Tornado’ Lambie, who thinks all uni should be free. They would vote it down, they said, and seemed pretty decided about that. It was then pointed out that Pyne’s degree cost nothing, and his house eighty thousand, but his kids would pay at least three million, including interest, for these advantages. ‘That’s why we need to spend up big on advertising,’ Pyne chirped, ‘convincing people we are sane. This is a job for Don Draper,’ he beamed, illustrating his sophistication, ‘and Don-baby doesn’t come cheap.’ Reporters covered their eyes and groaned. They wished, they truly wished, he’d go away. Lying, ReachTEL said Labor would get 48 percent, and the LNP 52 percent, two party preferred, in Queensland. They did this by redistributing Palmer’s votes as they were in 2012, when they favoured the LNP. Redistributing them as they are now, favouring ‘exhaust’ or Labor, would put Labor on 51.25. It also rang on landlines on Tuesday night people willing to talk to a machine. It was likely they were older, duller, more thwarted people, i.e. Newman supporters. This method when used in 2013 predicted Rudd, Swan, Clare, Burke, Dreyfus and Bowen would lose their seats, incorrectly. So the likely Labor score was, probably, 52.3. And this was taken before the police called Newman a liar, and Abbott was gravely insulted by a bad actor on talkback, and it seemed he might have to resign. To determine how crooked it was, one had only to look for a ‘preferred Premier’ poll involving Palaszczuk. It wasn’t there. The only potential Premiers mentioned were Newman, Seeney, Nicholls, Langbroek, Springborg, Emerson and Simpson. Palaszczuk, somehow, didn’t come into it. …Then Morgan, the accurate poll, came out (sigh), with its assessments, at last, of what would happen in the states, from 4489 Australians contacted by SMS. Labor was way ahead in Victoria and Tasmania (59; 55.5), narrowly ahead in WA and SA (50.5; 52), well behind in NSW (46), and…line ball in Queensland (49.5), though Palaszczuk was preferred Premier (51.5). In the latter state, Palmer had 4 percent, Katter 3.5 and ‘others’ 6 percent. If one seat went to each group (Peter Wellington sure to survive), there might be a 43-43-3 split (Labor getting Ashgrove, Pumicestone and Mundingburra), and…some negotiation to do. Word came through that Andrew Chan would be shot, and WorkChoices was coming back. And it was still only 6 pm. And…so it went. ellistabletalk/2015/01/22/the-three-worst-things-the-liberals-did-yesterday-175/
Posted on: Thu, 22 Jan 2015 12:45:39 +0000
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