The World is a Two Way Street! For many children on the spectrum they have difficulty seeing the perspective of others and understanding that others may view the world differently than them. They literally have difficulty reading the needs of others, so they often are not considering what others need or how their behavior affects others. The children often see the world only through their own eyes, and expect the world to revolve around them. They want what they want, when they want it. This is also driven by the anxiety that is created by their sensory vulnerabilities, cognitive overload and social confusion. The world can be very chaotic and overwhelming for children on the spectrum. They are often operating on high alert, anticipating what dangers lay ahead in the uncertainty around them. To reduce anxiety, many children have to control all activity and interaction to feel safe. They see the world only from their eyes and demand that their needs be met, regardless of the effects on others. To lessen anxiety and to minimize meltdowns, we often cater to their needs to help them feel safe. We follow their lead and “do for them” to help them feel calm. Since trusting the uncertainty of others is scary for them, they have difficulty letting down their guard and trust following the lead of others. Because we are so used to following their lead, and doing for them, the children have difficulty getting past the “world according to me” phase. All children start off in this egocentric mode, but gradually develop “reciprocity”; understanding that what I do affects others, and that I do for others as they do for me. That when doing things with others, I need to meet their needs as well as they help meet my needs; that the world is a “two way street.” “Reciprocity” (recognizing and mutually meeting the needs of both self and others) is the foundation of relating and co-regulating with others. This begins very early in life when the parent and child engage in back and forth, emotional interactions (cooing, animated facial expressions, patty cake, peek-a-boo, etc.). Most daily activities consist of the parent and child engaged in give and take, back and forth, reciprocal interactions. The child learns that “You respond to me, and I respond to you”; that interacting is a “two way street.” That there is value in meeting your needs, as well as you meeting mine. This reciprocity can be learned; however, it does not come as naturally for children on the spectrum. It has to be spotlighted and taught. We get so use to “doing for them” and “meeting their needs” that we do not highlight the need to return the favor! When the child doesn’t naturally reciprocate, the parents become used to not expecting it. It is not something that parents usually have to teach. However, I find that when “reciprocity” becomes an objective to spotlight, parents find it fun and rewarding. Every parent craves the emotional reciprocity from their child that feeds their desire to “relate.” The main strategy for teaching reciprocity is to “expect” it, highlight it, and then help it happen! In all your interactions throughout the day, make them a “two way street!” Ensure the child has an “active” part to play in all interaction and activity. Anytime you respond to the child, pause and wait for a response back. In all activity that you do with the child, give him a small role to play and require him to do his part in turn. If you rub his back, have him rub your back! Don’t do for the child, do with the child! Give him a small role that he has to coordinate with you to complete the action. If you roll him the ball, he has to roll it back. If I tap the drum, he has to tap the drum also! If I feed him a chip, I have him feed me a chip! We share!! Do for and do with each other! Helping each other; sharing the experience. This should become engrained in all your daily interactions. Even when praising I use “reciprocal reward.” The child reinforcing me, as I reinforce him! I give “five” a lot. I invite it by putting out my hand, and the child completes it by giving me five! I open the interaction, and the child finishes it. The child is an active participant in reinforcing me as well as me with them. When I give thumbs up, I pause for him to return the gesture! If I provide soothing sensory stimulation, I encourage him to give it back! We do it together, giving each other soothing sensory stimulation. We build this “reciprocal interaction” around many daily activities. We may be unloading the dishwasher together, raking leaves, or reading a story (child turns the pages, or I am one character and he is the other, etc.). I respond, pause and wait for his response. The children learn that the activity does not keep going unless they do their part to maintain it. If they forget, I pause and look at them. When they look back at me to see why I have stopped, I give them a facial expression or simple gesture that I am waiting for their response. If the children forget, then I will cue them in and “stop the action” until they are back on track. Of course, to teach this I start with simple activities that the children “love” to do, so they will be motivated to keep it going. That way when I pause, they are motivated to do their part to keep the interaction going! Parents can have fun playing little games with this. If your child loves ice cream, sit down with him with one bowl of ice cream and one spoon. Give the child a bit of the ice cream, then give them the spoon and have them feed you a bite of ice cream. Animate your “enjoyment” of tasting the ice cream, then give him a bit and show animated anticipation of his enjoyment. Again, give him the spoon and point to your mouth with excited anticipation! For children that get “sensory brushing” I might play a game where I brush their arm, then they brush mine, and we go back and forth around the body. Everything we do during the day incorporates elements of this back and forth, give and take, taking turns and responding to each other. In addition, it also helps to talk about what you are experiencing. Label your feelings, describe what you are thinking, provide your perspective, and describe your joy! Give the child a running dialogue of what you are experiencing. This helps the child understand your inner experiences and to reinforce that the interaction is a “two way street.” You will find over time that the child learns to enjoy sharing this experience; meeting your needs, as well as you meeting theirs. That it becomes more fun doing it together and sharing the experience, rather than doing it alone and just focusing on themselves. The process of “reciprocity” goes through many layers of complexity as the child develops. This is a long developmental process that requires ongoing daily practice. It is important that we start highlighting this objective as soon as possible, and make it a routine way of interacting. This training is not age dependent, so it can start at any age! This series on social challenges can be found in the blue book, Autism Discussion Page on the Core Challenges in Autism.
Posted on: Mon, 29 Dec 2014 20:53:04 +0000
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