The big question: to join a synagogue? I really dont like the constrictions of belonging to a group like a synagogue. I only like to belong to groups I can be part of and be highly critical of too. Like; make-cartoons-of and write-satire critical. Youll be surprised how many groups that condition eliminates. Most groups ask for a lot of shmushy blind loyalty with its membership dues. In theory, I dont want to belong to a Jewish synagogue. I want to belong to my rebel identity and be my own type of Jew. But after Rosh Hashanah, Im suddenly tempted to belong. I can feel the taste of belonging; it is so respectable and comfortable. It beckons. During the High Holiday services I first started to fantasize of paying money to be a chusheve yeed at the Conservative synagogue. We went twice to the same place; the Montebello Jewish Center. The morning services were especially nice. Everyone was all dressed up and festive, yet, yet, everyone also arrived in cars, putting an end to our nonsense of sneaking around like thieves. There was this wonderful feeling of walking into the sanctuary without being considered guilty of a million crimes; the crime of - god forbid - wearing sleeveless clothes. The crime of - horrors! - answering a phone call. The crime of turning on the air condition or not wearing tights, and on and on and on. One guy was checking his cell phone in the hall and the ladies were wearing all sorts of things together; cleavage with a tallit and sleeveless with some doily folded in half and pushed down the hair and skirts and pants and dresses and more pants. I was so not badass; I felt deliciously dull. I hardly had anything to atone for. So I could leave early. Which was great. In the Orthodox synagogues my son got shy and didnt want to go into the mens section by himself. I cannot tell you how many kind men came over to me and offered to take my son inside the mens section. They would hold out one hand to my son, the other hand would bunch up their tallit around their shoulders, and they would tell him come, come and I would say go, go. and my son would crouch behind my skirt and stay. All I could do was take my skirt off and send it to the mens section with a kid attached; but the kid itself wouldnt let go. With the exception of Simchas Torah. Then he would relent and let some neighbors take him on their shoulders, and I would stand at the door and waive and feel kind of sad and kind of happy; but the whole thing lasted a few seconds before he asked to be let down so he could run back to my skirt. So in the Conservative Synagogue my son simply sat next to me and played with my hair and we talked quietly; because we are just the kind of people who need to be shushed. And after a while he felt comfortable enough to go over to a kid he knew and say hi and come back real fast, looking a head taller. And I thought; maybe we could be part of this Synagogue? Maybe could come like we belong, get to know the people, feel at home? Maybe we should? But then again -- maybe I will set myself up for disappointment - again? Maybe I will come long enough to see that here too I feel rejected, here too I need to pretend to believe in stuff I want to be ambivalent about, and then Ill be bitter and frustrated all over? And maybe I can use the membership dues to... I dont know, pay my water bill and electricity, because by God, the bill doesnt pay itself, no matter how hard I pray to the God Im ambivalent about? My son is almost nine; soon he will be bar mitzvah. I feel such a burden of responsibility at the thought of preparing his bar mitzvah alone. Maybe it is too soon to wonder; or maybe I should simply join a synagogue where he can have a community that will help us navigate the process of raising a Jewish young man? Maybe?
Posted on: Sun, 28 Sep 2014 11:14:58 +0000
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