The circle There is an old couple that comes here three times a year for retreat. They are in their late 80’s, very quiet, always together in silence. The wife has Parkinson’s and she is at the stage where it is noticeable. She does not have tremors, but there is a stiffness about her that is easily noticed. The husband is so gentle with her and he does it out of his deep love, not just from duty. I am deeply touched in ways that I don’t quite understand when around them and I am ok with that. I guess I love them, even if we don’t talk. When they checked in yesterday they asked for me and I saw them later when I was giving orientation. Many people have a quiet presence about them, they don’t talk much, certainly don’t make a fuss, but their presence is noticed by others and appreciated. This couple is a witness to enduring love and service to one another. Most couples that I know and those that I talk to here that have a good marriage, always tell me that it had a cost, a heavy one, but one well worth embracing. They talk about everything, listen to each other, and most importantly, learn from one another. One couple told me that it was a long process, one that they slowly learned over the many years of their marriage. I suppose you can say that they have a friendship as well as a marriage. There are things that I lack when it comes to relating to others. For instance, I never remember birthdays, don’t send cards, not overly fond of parties and miss others anniversaries, always. It is like a piece of my brain was taken out at birth and where most people have a place for such things….. for me there is only a hole. Not a dark one, or a cold one, there is just nothing there to connect to when it comes to birthdays, etc. Even Christmas, which is an important holiday for me, the sending of cards is something that I never really think of doing. For many however, such rituals are very important. If I was married, I wonder if that would have changed, if my wife found all the above important? In community, there is a circle where others enter to share a certain way of life, with people that normally they would not congregate with living elbow to elbow. Marriage is a community like that, because often there is a whole clan on both sides that get to know one another. It is in our extended relationships, with our spouses, their families, or if not married in whatever community ones attached to where we learn to accept others or not. It is in the daily interaction that growth happens, or isolation deepens. I suppose that my working with the infirm in my community for so many years was a way for me to break through my inner tendency to isolate myself. The caring, allowed for me to have a gate from which I could enter into others peoples lives and slowly over the years learn letting others in. I at times wonder if I do not have some kind of Autism, a label I know, yet even though I know through God’s grace I have grown, I still feel a protective bubble around me that simply won’t go away. I observe, think, but often I believe disassociate from others. I would guess that writing is one way of connecting with others by being able to simply allow my unconscious to express itself in ways that I could not if I did not write. In giving talks, I think it is the same as writing, for when sharing with a group; I am able to make connections with my life and to share them with others. In doing that I find that I am for the most part ‘normal’, whatever that means. I suppose it is about simply trying to break away from inner fears and anxious concerns, on how one looks, or sounds. Being fragmented inwardly has it advantages if the voices are allowed to speak and express themselves without being hated, feared or pushed under. The problem with me is that if I don’t send my writings, all my ‘stuff’, is useless. Perhaps that is why many writers publish. Others don’t need to; all they need do is to write and close their dairy when finished. Perhaps one day I will arrive at that place. Until then, I guess I will send. It brings my inner chaos into focus I guess…….for this is kind of chaotic is it not. Start off with a couple that I love who comes here, go into birthday cards, and end up talking about why I write……
Posted on: Tue, 22 Oct 2013 10:37:01 +0000