The fear of losing Control & the freedom of Surrender. Following on from yesterdays post about the lessons learned in life and patterns repeating themselves, I thought today Id post about control and how it impacts on our ability to accept lifes lessons. The fear of losing control and the resulting holding on tight is something that comes up regularly in the therapy room and has also been a part of my own journey (indeed, it is still a part of my own journey) and our fear of letting go can cause us so much suffering and pain, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Below is a short story of one such incident in my own life. In my 20s my then boyfriend (Aaron) and I decided to go to Zambia to work as volunteers. As part of the fundraising to get us there we decided (on a night out, brave with beer!) that we would do a parachute jump. My best friend Bambi (similarly brave!) decided that she would do it with us. My control kicked in with immediate effect. If I was going to do a parachute jump I was going (we were going!) to do a solo jump. Why? Because of the freedom and the challenge? Oh mais non, mais non. The reason was because I wouldnt do a tandem in case something went wrong due to human error on behalf of my fellow jumper. If I was going to die doing a parachute jump then it was going to be because of my own error, because Id be really p***ed off if I died because of someone elses mistake! Theres logic in there somewhere!!! So we prepared and got our sponsorship forms and began collecting. There were some jokes about fear and death, all rather upbeat though, nothing that represented what was going on under the surface. Then, the day before the jump I was at my aunts house in Leixlip and we were all at the table having dinner when I noticed that my peas kept falling off my fork and wouldnt go in my mouth, they wouldnt fit! Still I didnt listen to my body. So I went back to my parents house, but it was now very apparent that something was wrong. My jaw was locking ever tighter until soon it was locked solid and I couldnt open my mouth at all. So I spent a large part of the pre jump night in Our Lady Of Lourdes hospital in Drogheda with suspected Tetanus! Not good, not good at all! At the time I had a phobic fear of needles (control again???) and so I was in such a terrible state when the nurses had to take blood that it took a number of them to hold me while the blood was taken. It was a terrible ordeal and I left there exhausted, afraid and medicated. The next morning though, off we all headed. As it was a solo jump we were doing we had to train first for half the day and then the jumps would take place in the afternoon. All though the day there were different in the event of my death forms to sign. And we watched videos of various jumps that had gone wrong and learned how long it would take us to fall to the ground if our parachute and reserve didnt work! By the time it got to the practical training where we had to dangle from the ceiling in harnesses and go through the motions, hysteria had taken over and Bambi and I could hardly look at each other or breathe too deeply for fear of losing the teeny tiny bit of control we still had. Then, finally it was time to get in the plane. There had been talk of it being too cloudy and that we may have to postpone and both Bambi and I knew that if there was a postponing that we would be remaining parachute virgins because there was no way we would make it back for round two! But our time came and up we went, and up, and up, and up, 3,000 feet up! Bambi went first and watching her disappear like she had been sucked down by something under the plane was very frightening. Then it was my turn, I was crying, I could barely move, fear had put my whole body on lock down. I remember Aaron saying in an attempt to comfort me, that if anything went wrong, hes jump straight out and come and rescue me. Was I comforted? Did I see it for the gesture it was? Oh no, I was livid, now I had to contend with the fact that if anything did go wrong that I was now now only in danger of falling to the ground, and my death, but now there was a chance of the process being speeded up, with a novice with knight in shining armour aspirations landing on me!! As I came to the door of the plane with huge reluctance, resistance and tears and I put one foot our of the door and felt the air grab my foot with a force I was not prepared for. Then I had to put my second foot out and again that sweeping wind, pulling and tugging. Then, oh yes theres more! Then; I had to reach forward and grab the bar that runs under the wing, with both hands and inch my way along it and dangle, yes, dangle, from the plane by my arms until I was told to go. My upper body strength isnt the best so there was minimal dangling before I was falling. We had been told about the things that can go wrong, one of them being twists which it transpired, all three of us had, so before I could test my brakes I had to twirl around and untwist myself. But by then the fear had gone. Once I had let go physically, I let go in every way. I was now in a situation beyond my control and it had come down to the basics. Either something would go wrong and I would die, and that would be that OR, everything would be fine and Id live. And I cannot tell you the power of the freedom of that. I loved the journey back down to the ground, the wonder of looking around, seeing the view, seeing Bambi on the ground and knowing Aaron would be following. It was amazing, stunningly, freeingly amazing and when we all got to the ground there werent words to express how we felt. I had put myself in physical pain and distress, emotional pain and distress all for the illusion of control. I held on so tight that I couldnt eat or talk. My body went into lock down at the very thought of losing control. Id like to say I had an epiphany following this, but I didnt, that was a lesson still to learn. If it took being pushed to the extremes before I would let go, then life would push me to the extremes. When I finally started realising that pattern I could learn to change it. Now I can recognise when I hold on too tight, I listen when my body tells me and I can work on my breathing and make a conscious choice to let go and trust. It is still very much a work in progress, but each time I do it I see how it impacts on my life, my health, my home life, and my work life. I am choosing to try and hear the whispers so that neither my body, nor the universe has to shout! Control comes from a place of fear where we try to lock down our minds, our bodies, our relationships, our environment in an attempt to keep us safe, but actually what often happens is we just create a self made prison. When we can acknowledge our fear, our sense of being unsafe, we can come to know it better, the fear of failure, rejection, death etc. and we can treat it with understanding and compassion rather than denial or judgement. When we trust, when we surrender, we stop fighting with ourselves, our bodies, our relationships, our environment, our lives, the universe. It takes risk, absolutely, but the freedom, the extra energy we have when we arent wholly invested in patrolling our boundaries and maintaining a vigilant watch for any real or suspected threat is astonishing. Notice for yourself the balance of surrender/trust and fear/control in your life and its impact on you physically, emotionally and spiritually. (Donijka)
Posted on: Wed, 23 Oct 2013 09:41:17 +0000