The first time I saw someone die, I was about four years old. I had seen the life force leave her as she took her last breath and her chest did not rise again. Another time I saw a frozen man and then I watched his baby being born. I began to have a deep fear of death so I asked my mom and dad to explain it to me. I was waking up in the middle of the night sweating – thinking the evil spirits had come to get me –They told me every living being has a napati (a soul, an essence, the core Inuk – I call it energy) “We are all going to die someday, so why fear death?. Death is only an experience through which you are meant to learn a great lesson: you cannot die. Mom and dad told me the soul lives on forever. Let me see if I can explain; a particle of matter or a wave of energy is indestructible. Science has proven this. The soul or spiritual essence of man is also indestructible. This is one of the reasons we name our children after the physically departed. However, death is a singular experience for each one of us. We feel the different phases of death differently and at different times. When Catty called me and told me her dad was gone, the words did not register. There was immediate disbelief, denial of my brother’s death and so I isolated myself. I guess it is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. I blocked out the words and hid from the facts. I do not want to feel those first waves of pain. Reality and pain emerge. I am so not ready for any of this thus deflecting this intense emotion from my core redirected and expressed instead as anger at my loved ones – my young relatives. I feel guilty for being angry, and this makes me angrier and then the depression -and my quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all I really need is a hug. I have finally accepted Roger’s departure to the spirit world, I am warmed by the fact his newest grandson is his namesake and therefore the essence of Roger is back with us. I am thankful for having gone through the mourning and going beyond it. How fortunate I am. I know some people never get to mourn or stay in perpetual mourning. I am thankful for my gift of living and not just existing and I am thankful for the spiritual knowledge of my parents and all this sober.
Posted on: Sun, 04 Jan 2015 13:40:49 +0000
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