The funeral home called yesterday to let me know they received Francies death certificate and they are forwarding it on to us. First, of all, I still dont feel big enough to need to be doing business with a funeral home and second of all, its all so surreal. Those two words seem so final, so permanent -- death certificate. A couple weeks ago, at the mailbox I was greeted with Francies health insurance card (an awful oversight by the insurance company). That day my mind started racing with all the what ifs. What if Francie had lived and was here to use her insurance card? What if I had four bigs and a new baby today, how would my day have been different? What would Francie look like, what would her temperament be? It took a while to dry my eyes yesterday from crying that depths of the soul crying, which makes you feel exhausted. I cried because I miss her tender sweet soul, and I cried because all the what ifs will never be. I cried because Randi still bangs on my belly and asks about the baby and two months later, I still have to remind her she’s in Heaven and help her blow her kisses there. I cry because Randi is always running pictures of Francie over to me and saying “baby, baby” with so much joy and such big smiles. I think of what a great big sister she would have been to Frances has she been given the chance. In these times of deep sorrow, I give it over to God. I ask the great physician to heal my heart. To help me put one foot in front of the other. I ask my little St. Frances to pray for her momma, because the good Lord knows I can’t do this without His help. I also ask St. Raphael my patron saint, and the patron saint of healing to pray for me. In some point after all these prayers and usually a chat with my awesome hubby, I feel at peace again with the gift of our sweet Francie to eternity, the kind of peace that comes from trusting in God’s providence, grace and the gift of my FAITH. God is good, so good, even when I don’t fully understand His plan. Matthew 6 26 Look at the birds in the sky. They do not sow or reap or gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they are? 30 Now if that is how God clothes the wild flowers growing in the field which are there today and thrown into the furnace tomorrow, will he not much more look after you, you who have so little faith? Set your hearts on his kingdom first, and on Gods saving justice, and all these other things will be given you as well. 34 So do not worry about tomorrow: tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Posted on: Fri, 29 Aug 2014 12:56:28 +0000
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