The irony, of course, is that, even in that respect—ESPECIALLY in that respect—they are, once again, so very much like me. Friendship with me is a one way street. NO ONE gets to care about me. I refuse to allow it. The girl across the pond made that mistake a long time ago, New York made that mistake almost as long ago, a few others made similar mistakes, to a lesser extent. Needless to say, at the time they all received lockouts of varying durations and intensity, though not all of them explicitly made note of, depending on severity and whether it was worth it to try and correct the behavior by telling them why they were on the receiving end of reduced communication frequency. That said, it isnt always the case that a reduction in frequency is due to a lockout. If my demeanor isnt cold on the few occasions I do speak to someone Im not talking to as often, its entirely possible I just have no idea what to say, and thus dont bother saying anything unless something comes up. Nobody is allowed to care. Only I am allowed to care. And it isnt just because of some sense of self worth. Its also because I have NO desire for any kind of trauma to befall anyone if any sort of unfortunate fate should befall ME. Im not here to cause people GRIEF. I do not want people to experience GRIEF due to my existence. Eventually, as with all living things, I will die. I am more accident prone than most people I know, so the odds are good that Ill die FIRST. Furthermore, even if I DONT die, I disappear from contact ALL THE TIME. People apparently get pissed off by that, which is annoying, but also troubling, because if my disappearance causes them any sort of upset, clearly my existence is not one that they are sufficiently ambivalent about. No. Thats too much hassle. Thats too much responsibility. I CANNOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSES HAPPINESS LIKE THAT NO MATTER HOW SMALL THE RESPONSIBILITY. The idea that something happening to me could cause suffering in others is NOT one I am willing to accept. With singular exception. I AM willing to accept it for a partner that I get close to and mutually attach to. THEY are allowed to care about me. Nobody else is. I can be that kind of selfish for one person, because Im not a good enough person to not want or need human connection. Yes, its a different kind of selfish to not want to be responsible for someone elses pain. But that kind of selfish I can be, easily, because that kind of selfishness actually benefits others.
Posted on: Mon, 12 Jan 2015 09:00:37 +0000
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