The motte-and-bailey doctrine is so dangerous precisely because the “motte” positions are really good reasons. It’s totally legit to want to minimize your STI risks, and communicating that to a partner is something we should all do! Some people can’t sleep alone! Some people have terrible bosses! There is no way to tell the difference between when someone has an honest issue and when someone is just trying to control their partner. THIS. Ive done it myself. I even knew, deep down, that I was doing it *at the time* I was doing it. But now Im triggered when I think people are doing it to me, and Im likely to double-down on my own position even if I didnt hold my position all that strongly to begin with, just because this pisses me off so much. For instance: I was once part of a tribe years ago. One member of that tribe was immuno-compromised. The rest of the tribe was very careful about introducing new partners in order, they said, to protect the immuno-compromised person. Well, you cant argue against that, because, what are you, a monster who wants to kill a disabled person? So, sure, taking STI safety precautions is a reasonable, responsible thing to do in poly relationships. But the level of safety including paper test results (which I happen to agree with, btw) *only* extended to STIs, not to any other health issue which, frankly, would have been far more damaging, perhaps even fatal, than many of the STIs. They thought nothing of sharing cups and eating elements, nothing of hugging and kissing friends, nothing of socializing in large parties without asking for flu vaccination papers or quizzing anyone to learn if they had been exposed to any airborne illnesses. And they thought nothing of all sharing sleeping space even when one or more of them was clearly and obviously in the middle of an infectious respiratory illness. Meanwhile, I have a chronic respiratory illness myself that is triggered by the common cold. If I get exposed to even mild respiratory infections, I end up coughing for 6 months or more, and each coughing spell triggers a round of vomiting. But having a partner who had a partner who had a partner who has a rare form of HSV with a *known* transmission risk level of very low was grounds for a very angry round of emails over who should be allowed to sleep with whom and under what circumstances. The truth is that this tribe was polyfidelitious before they asked me to be a part of them, and I come along with a frighteningly large network. Even those of us who have been in the network from the beginning and are naturally inclined towards large networks sometimes freak out about the size and lack of control. But freaking out over something like that might reveal one to be not poly or not secure or something. So they pulled out the old STI gambit instead of addressing their fears about the lack of control in a large network. And I got to argue about the ridiculousness and the hurt caused by treating metametamours as dirty while they gleefully reinfected me over and over again with respiratory infections on the grounds that they needed to protect their immuno-compromised member from diseases that either dont cause very much long-term harm or that are crazy-easy to avoid with testing and barriers.
Posted on: Tue, 30 Dec 2014 22:58:22 +0000
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