The new Scottish Premiership (!) season kicked off last night as Partick Thistle and Dundee United saw out a scintillating 0-0 draw. Gungawins takes a look at a few teams expected to make waves this season; MOTHERWELL After witnessing Doncaster Rovers increase their profile and revenue stream by signing that guy from that band One Direction, Motherwell boss Stuart McCall moved swiftly to snap up former East 17 hearthrob Brian Harvey. Speaking shortly after his signing, the bad boy of 90s pop said, “I’m just glad to get out of the house to be honest. God knows I need the money.” However Harvey’s pre-season debut was cut short when after an aimless twenty minutes, in which he was roundly ignored by teammates and opponents alike, he walked off the pitch and left the stadium, never to be seen again. DUNDEE UNITED It has been a torrid summer for The Tangerines, after they lost a ‘Loser Leaves Town’ friendly match against their bitter rivals Dundee. Since that fateful afternoon, Jackie McNamara and his squad have stalked the moors on the outskirts of town, camping by streams and living off the land. Some say that on a quiet evening their howls can be heard as far as Dundee city centre. HIBERNIAN Manager Pat Fenlon has concerns about star midfielder Kevin Thomson heading into the new season. Thomson spent much of the summer reading Dostoevsky novels, and the Hibees fear that it may have turned his head; “Kevin’s normally a great guy to have down the training ground, a real pro,” Fenlon says, “but he’s just not been himself lately. When I gave him some friendly grief about an awful shot he’d taken he turned around and said ‘The awful thing is that beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and the devil are fighting there and the battlefield is the heart of man.’ None of us knew what he meant, but wee Tom Taiwo heard him and burst into tears. We haven’t seen the lad since.” HEARTS Financial troubles at Tynecastle have led to cutbacks across the board, much to the dismay of star signing Danny Wilson; “The players realise that sacrifices have to be made and we’re all fine with that, and although I wasn’t overly happy when we were told we would only be supplied with one full playing kit all season, I went with it regardless. But last week when we were training in the park Ryan Stevenson threw a bag of dog shit off me that he’d found in a bin, and it exploded all over my top. The team won’t pay for it to be dry-cleaned and my washing machine is on the blink, so I’m basically stuck wearing stale turds on my back until it eventually rains. It’s bloody ridiculous if you ask me.” PARTICK THISTLE A clerical error at Firhill has meant that a dozen veterans from yesteryear who had planned to partake in some ‘legends’ exhibition matches for charity have been accidently inked to three-year, full-time playing contracts, meaning that stars from the past such as Alan Rough (61) and Chic Charnley (50) are now being relied upon to help the club survive in the Premiership. “It just beggars belief,” Charnley says, “I was expecting a few kick-arounds on the odd Sunday afternoon, and now they’re telling me I’ve got to lace up my boots for forty odd games this season. I haven’t played professionally for fifteen years, during which time I’ve done precious little other than drink all day and start fights in chip shops. I can’t even see my feet when I stand up anymore. It’s an absolute bloody joke.” KILMARNOCK Killie chairman Michael Johnston is so sure that Hearts will be unable to overcome their 15 point penalty to start the season that he has systematically gutted the club of their playing staff, and they enter the 2013/14 season with no players on the books. While Johnston agrees this will make it difficult to stay competitive, he points to the substantial savings in wages. Killie’s only pre-season match, against Norway’s Rosenberg, saw them lose 76-0. The scoreline could have been much higher, had the Norwegians not become utterly bored with the whole thing after an hour, when they just sat about on the grass and waited for time to expire.
Posted on: Sat, 03 Aug 2013 12:13:47 +0000
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