The other day, a lady said to me “You don’t really trust anyone, do you?”, the question caught me off guard and then it hit; she was entirely right. My heart had closed itself, wrapping itself in a security blanket of suspicions and delusions; defenses as strong and real as a shield made of paper mâché. I had shut my eyes and ran away blindly, deluding myself by thinking that my problems would not follow, but follow they did; they followed me through nights of stargazing and obscured the sky with rain clouds of dark thoughts; they followed me to the quiet park and its rundown playground, poisoning the nostalgia with the creeping doubt that I had been the only one to enjoy the time I had spent there, with those I had thought to be friends, but others did not feel the same; they followed me through bike rides and long walks, hazing the peaceful moments I once had with paranoia and distrust towards anyone whom I so much as passed by; they followed me through beautiful dreams and planted nightmares in the soil of my mind; they followed me everywhere until I realized I had to face the reality that they would not leave me, not until I dealt with them properly. I wondered to myself When did I become like this? but I knew the answer already. The string of broken promises; the lies and half-truths that were once whispered to me, now leaving me with nothing but silence; the lights that had been guiding me that went out while I wandered through the darkness; the answers that I had held within my hands all along that I had stubbornly refused to acknowledge. I feared trusting others because I knew the pain of having that trust broken and smashed into pieces that I could not glue together; like the trust I had once held for many people because of my naive, unguarded heart. When these thoughts had finished their laps around my mind, all I could do to respond was slowly nod my head because in the end, she was right.
Posted on: Sat, 25 Oct 2014 14:22:48 +0000
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