The rules of rural Pennsylvania are as follows: 1. Lets get this straight: its called a dirt road. No matter how slow you drive, youre going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 2. They are cattle. Theyre live steaks or walking milk bottles. Thats why they smell funny to you, get over it. Dont like it? I-80 goes east and west, I-81 goes north and south. Pick one. 3. Pull your droopy pants up, you look like an idiot. 4. Turn your cap right, your head isnt crooked. 5. So you have a $60,000 car, were impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. Every person in rural Pennsylvania waves. We think of it as being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and three does are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you dont have it up to your ear at the time. 8. Yeah, we eat scrapple, pot pie, funnel cakes, haluskie, pierogies, shoo-fly pie, apple butter, chow-chow, and schnitz un knepp. Dont like the sound of them or the names freak you out because you never saw a Bon Appetit article on them? Great, more for us! 9. The opener refers to the first day of deer season. Its a religious holiday held on the Monday after Thanksgiving. 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age. 11. No, theres no vegetarian special on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the chefs salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce, and Heinz ketchup. Oh, yeah...we dont care what you folks in Jersey call that stuff you eat. Its not real chili. 13. You bring coke into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. 14. You bring Mary Jane into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, and have long hair. 15. College and high school football are as important here as the Steelers and Eagles and a lot more fun to watch. 16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But dont hit the water hazards---it spooks the fish. 17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state universities, community colleges, and vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and Country. They still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays. 18. We have a whole ton of folks who have been in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard - PA has one of the highest percentages of veterans in the entire country. So dont mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best. 19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump-thump stuff is not music anyway. We dont want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to # 3. 20. Four inches isnt a blizzard--its a flurry. Drive like you got some sense, and dont take all our bread, milk, and toilet paper from the grocery stores. Youre not in Alaska. Worst case you may have to live a whole day without your croissants. The pickups with snow plows will have you out the next day. A true Pennsylvanian will send this on to others. Everyone else can leave town.
Posted on: Thu, 28 Aug 2014 13:59:40 +0000
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