There are 29 types of coffee drinkers. You are definitely one of them. By Dan Gentile Coffees a very personal thing. Some people will only drink at certain chains (whose caffeine counts are listed here!), others demand a bubble baths worth of cappuccino foam, and then there are the aficionados who swear by sophisticated gadgetry like the Aeropress or the drip coffee machine in the break room. Heres a comprehensive list of 29 of the most common coffee-drinker stereotypes, ranging from people you wish would die to people who will probably face an early death thanks to their choice of sweetener. The gas station coffee evangelist He just loves being one of the common people. And watching them buy their Skoal Bandits. The unapologetic Starbucks patron Theres gotta be a reason theres 21,000 locations, right? Right? Impatient businessman at Starbucks Obviously on his way to an important meeting and has no time to tip. Cool Jawbone, bro. Cool suburban dad at Starbucks He also gets all of his Leonard Cohen CDs there. The almond/rice milk guy Congrats on finding a new and exciting way to ruin the taste of coffee. Sugar In The Raw snob The Ol Dirty Bastard of coffee-drinkers. The late-night sipper Who cares if its 10 at night? Caffeine doesnt affect him like it does everyone else. RightseedoesntaffecthmeatallImgonnajustwatchninehoursofTurnerClassicMoviesandmakeaquiltnow. The guy who only drinks coffee because he has a crush on the barista She doesnt care how your day was, and neither do the 10 people in line behind you. And now youve got acid reflux from all these dates. The guy who insists that Dunkin Donuts is the best coffee ever He takes it with milk and 400 eclairs worth of sugar. The McDonalds guy He thinks the lawsuit over the coffee being too hot was ridiculous, because thats the main reason he goes here. The Stevia addict This person deserves your sympathy because theyll soon have cancer. Thought we were gonna do the Breaking Bad spoiler? Were not gonna do the Breaking Bad spoiler! Wait, did we just do a Breaking Bad spoiler? The Chemex snob Yes, the glass Chemex brewer makes a great cup of coffee, but no, it does not belong in a contemporary art museum. French press hard-on guy Just choke down those grounds and tell people about how you stayed in a hostel in Nice that one time. Reusable coffee cup that looks disposable but really isnt... girl Its dishwasher-safe and the lid only tastes a little bit like rubber. The novelty mug girl It sure is hilarious that youre drinking coffee out of a cup shaped like a toilet. The person who pronounces espresso with an X He takes the espress train to work every day. The decaf drinker ... The foamy cappuccino fan This is the same type of person who takes unironic bubble baths. They usually smell terrific. Lip-smacking espresso lover How much do you love that coffee brewed by forcing a small amount of nearly boiling water under pressure through finely ground coffee beans, huh?!?! A lot? Oh, cool, we had no idea. The guy who stopped drinking coffee and wants to tell you all about it His serotonin levels have never been higher! He feels better in the morning! His crippling withdrawal headache will eventually cause him to chug old coffee rinds around the back by the Tim Hortons dumpster! Also, why is he in Canada?!? The K-Cupper WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LOOKING FOR THE EASY WAY OUT?!?! The pumpkin spice Coffee-Mate lady She wants every morning to smell like the cheap aunt who brought a frozen Sara Lee Oven Fresh Pumpkin Pie to Thanksgiving. The coffee gadget guy Sir, is that an AeroPress or a penis pump? The clueless drip coffee guy Its the best part of waking up, right? Right? Wait, it isnt 1989?!? The coffee break office worker Cigarettes last longer and you get to go outside! The coffee shop chick who nurses one cup for five hours The baristas are roasting you alive with their eyes. The sustainability snob He only buys organic, shade-grown, Rainforest Alliance-certified, Fair Trade beans harvested by indigenous people whose monthly wages are around what the cup of coffee cost him. The proud dude who takes his coffee black Turning down cream doesnt make you less of a man. Wait, does it? Should we be drinking our coffee black? The barista whos pissed that you ordered a caramel macchiato Where do you think you are, Starbucks? This is an independent coffee shop! Dont you see the local art on the walls? (Actually, were all kind of pissed you ordered that caramel macchiato. Where do you think you are, Starbucks?!?)
Posted on: Wed, 06 Nov 2013 12:49:07 +0000
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