There are a lot of people here and some know me, like really know me. Some do not. We all struggle with something. Today I feel like sharing one of my daily struggles. This is from a group I admin here for behaviorally challenged kiddos. If you are interested in joining or ever want to talk about your own behaviorally challenged kiddo just let me know. Well it has been an interesting week here with the teenager. An emotional rollercoaster for me at best. You know the kind that have the straight drop after the slow noisy climb up? Yup one of those weeks for sure. Sadly it’s not a ride I signed up for or can get off so now I am stuck trying to find those moments of enjoyment as I know in my heart my kiddo is in the seat next to me going through similar emotions. I have talked about my son James a few times on here, but we do have a lot of new members so I will just give a brief recap. My son, James, is now 16. He has been diagnosis with a handful of things which may or may not have true bearing on his behavior and general outlook on the world and reality. He is also a teenager so yeah, we have those moments of dramatic life ending drama and mood swings to contend with as well. And most scary of all he has epilepsy. We have been struggling with his behavior for 12-13 years now. Somewhere I always knew he was different, however things were not plainly obvious until I had my second child. Then things started to make sense. Well actually quite the opposite. I noticed he was for sure different. From the crying fits, to talking, to overly affectionate, to inappropriate behavior, impulsive behavior, extreme jealousy, manipulative behavior, violence, unreasonable fixation on fairness. I mean it goes on and on. We have tried medicine, we have tried hospitalization, we have tried residential placements, we have tried behavior geared private school, we have tried non medicine, therapy, exercise and sports, hugs, ignoring, encouraging, bribing, spanking, grounding, consequences, natural consequences, even a weekend in juvenile placement. Some things stuck, most did not. Even those that worked, only worked briefly. This is tiring. It is exhausting and thankless. Some days I wake up and I hear his attitude in his voice and I just want to leave. Walk out that front door and never look back. Some days I want to give up. I want to scream, a lot of days I DO scream, I am working on that though. I want to throw things, I want to not care. Some days I wish he could go live with his father. I get mad, sad and every emotion in that negative spectrum and usually on a daily basis. I joking told my mother the other day, sometimes I feel like I have to be bipolar just to be able to deal with my sons mood swings. Sigh. It is hard. But then it must be hard for him too. I know not all of his issues are medically (mentally whichever you prefer) to blame. Some of this is environmental, some is by choice, some by example. Whatever the final recipe is, I know its not just one thing and not just one thing is going to make it better. He is now 16 and I am trying to prepare him for the world out there. I have fully accepted he may not graduate high school in a main stream way. I have back up plans if this semester does not go well. We will try the online school option, and if that fails, there is always that boys ranch off in San Angelo. He started his first job Saturday. It was exciting and emotional for me. I am thrilled he can start interacting with other authority figures in his life not relates to school or home. He can finally see the actuality of a boss and how you have to follow rules and directives or else, well no job, which means no money. At the same time, I watched my 16 year old son walk in and I couldn’t help but think of the baby he was and the all the obstacles and triumphs and failures we have had together over the past 16 years. It has been the longest relationship I have ever had and by far the most trying. He is growing up. And I am sure every parent has to face this actuality at some point. But I have poured every ounce of effort into this child. Everything I have has gone into trying to help him, make him happy, healthy and somewhat normal. Yes I know. I said normal. It’s NOT important, yet is kind of is. (Another discussion is needed there) He is my everything. He has helped define who I am. My tolerance, my patience, my ability to love unconditionally, my ability to get angry, my ability to forgive, my ability to look past the flaws and see the beauty. I have my son to thank for 99% of that. And yet I feel I have failed him. This morning was rough. He was not in a good mood and he of course takes it out on mainly me. I have determined this is because I am his safety. He can push me because he knows I am always there. Anyhow I heard more F bombs this morning than normal, and his demanding attitude and insistence that I must comply to his demands was a bit too much for me to handle this morning. This lead to a huge explosion on my part. The last straw for me was when he literally yanked my wallet out of my hand and threw is across the room. Yup. I was done. I dropped a few F bombs myself and told him to have a great time walking to school without his lunch money. I mean how can he expect to get something by demanding it with disrespect and attitude, talking down to anyone, especially his mother, and then get upset when he is denied. I picked up my wallet innards and left the room. When we are both upset to this point, we cannot be in the same room. I heard some mumbled ‘F yous’ and then the door shut and he was gone. I stood there for a few minutes. Angry at myself. Angry at him. Just plain angry. Finally with a big sigh and a huff I grabbed my keys, informed the youngest son to be all the way ready by the time I returned and headed out the door. I don’t know if it was the right thing to do or not. But I know when he got into the car he was quiet and compliant. He agreed to discuss the happenings of the morning when he got home, actually said thank you after receiving lunch money and no more attitude the rest of the ride. Its hard to switch on back and forth and to not get angry. To stay on point during this emotional roller coaster of a ride that IS raising my behaviorally challenged son. And I wish I had things to start all over again. But I do not. I only have what I have in every day and every choice from this point on. I don’t want to be bitter or angry at my son. My child who grew inside of me after all the drs said it wouldn’t happen. The only thing I am grateful for out of a horrible abusive relationship. The child who opened my eyes to what love truly is. I won’t give up.
Posted on: Mon, 08 Sep 2014 17:44:52 +0000
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