There are times like this, when I just stare into my computer screen, pondering. Not really even sure why, but I am deep in thought. It is not that I don’t comprehend a specific assignment for school, or something I was told to do at work today. No, it is just the simple fact that I cannot even begin to fathom what people are thinking (or not) when they decide to say or carry out whatever “things” they somehow think are acceptable. It truly blows my mind. People at times ask me why I am quiet, or not in a talkative mood. The answer is, is that I do not feel like wasting my time. If someone needs help with something, or has a legitimate question, I am more than happy to help. It seems however, those are a rarity now a day... Today was one of the worst days I have had in a long, long time. Whatever could possibly have even been a little off, or had the slightest chance to go wrong today, did so. It started right at 5 AM and has not slowed down whatsoever. Even through my nap, my brain somehow decided it would be a great idea to replay the same nightmare over and over 15 times. Its not even one thing that put me in a negative mood today; it is just the same thing every day over and over. I really had to think about this statement before writing it, I really did. I cannot wait for next semester to start. I really cannot. Yes I will have a million things changing, and it will be tough, but I cannot wait. It marks a new chapter for me. One that I am very, very excited to start. It is one that will change the rest of my life, and (hopefully) help me reach the goals that I have set in place. Not many know what they are (I don’t think anyone knows them all to be honest), but they are big and I truly hope I can accomplish them. At this point in time, I still have over 6 years left of school and programs before I can reach said goals, which is going to be very taxing and tiring, but I cannot wait to dive in head first. One of the most important things I have come to realize over the course of the last year or so, is that you have to do it yourself if you want it done right (the vast majority of the time.) If you need help doing a certain project or accomplishing a specific goal, you better oversee it yourself. I can guarantee someone is going to be trying to stick their hand down the disposal or licking the car battery the SECOND you turn your back, thinking they comprehend the task at hand. Not really sure why I felt the need to write this, as I mostly just browse Facebook a few times a day, liking random status of friends getting engaged, or people graduating from school etc. I think its great, and I am very very happy for them. Maybe it is because I am a bit jealous of them. I know it is not right to be jealous, but at times I cannot help it. I WANT to be in their position, but it is not an unhealthy want. I dont want their job, car, girlfriend, degree, friends, dog or hobbies specifically. I just want to get there. I want this journey of school and work to end. I enjoy my job, and I enjoy my degree program but if I could go back and make certain changes I definitely would. I would not waste the last two years of my life at a previous job I hoped would pan out into something bigger, when the writing was on the wall; when seldom few were even interested in helping me. I would have gone to school during said jobs entirety. I would not have taken two years off pursuing something that not many people had the slightest interest in helping me obtain, when I needed their help. I guess it goes to show what the vast majority of the world has become. People want to take and take and take, but when someone needs them, when someone is on their knees, just in need of help with a situation, no one is there to help. All you see is tumbleweeds. Maybe this is why people see me as not being super approachable. They see me as someone who does not seem to care on the outside. The truth is, is that I find it a bit hard to feel pity for certain people and certain situations, because it was brought upon themselves by themselves. I will still bend over backwards to help these people however, because that is how I was raised. That is what I was taught in church growing up, and still today. I do not expect anything back from them, as I know they are busy with problems and lives of their own. Now a day, I feel that even a legitimate “Thank you” is something that is becoming rarer and rarer. My father Rod Hayes has done the best job raising me any parent could, especially by himself. I owe him so much, that I cannot even comprehend it myself. He raised me to be the person that I am today. I know that I have my flaws and things I need to work on, but I think I have turned out alright. Thanks, Dad! Like I said, I am not really sure where this even came from or why I have spent the last hour of my night writing it. I think it is the culmination of the past few months feeling and emotions finally coming together. I know that this message has a wide “array” of topics and feelings, but it is how I truly feel. Gheez, I must be getting old. I feel like Brian Keene writing this long, deep post LOL! I suppose ill leave behind my favorite Heath Ledger quote. It seems relatively applicable heh.
Posted on: Tue, 19 Nov 2013 02:33:16 +0000
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